You have needs. Your partner has needs. Your relationship has needs. How do you balance it all?? Today, we discuss how to identify the “big rocks” in your life and the power of a habit so tiny it becomes invisible.
- We’ll talk about why you don’t need to put “brush your teeth” onto your daily to-do list
- Then we’ll contrast that with the multiple priorities you juggle causing you to feel overwhelmed
- Finally, I’ll help you identify a relationship habit as tiny as brushing your teeth so you can harness the power of invisible habits to strengthen your intimacy
Find a non-negotiable relationship habit to stop taking your partner for granted
One of the most common conundrums to face my clients is that they take for granted what they already have. We all do this as humans.
- You feel safe in your relationship. So, you think you’ll always feel safe. You stop wanting safety.
- You feel attracted to your partner. So, you think you’ll always feel attracted. You stop pursuing your partner, because you already have them.
- You feel supported by your partner. So, you think you’ll always be supported. You stop asking for what you need.
What we HAVE we take for granted. But it can slip away. The reason you have something you value in your relationship is that you cultivated it. You created that. When you stop cultivating or recreating, you can lose that thing that now feels like part of the fabric of your lives.
Maybe you’ve already experienced this loss. You and your partner are missing the spark of electricity. Or, worse, you’re actively agitated by your partner.
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What happens when you stop actively cultivating your relationship?
Let’s compare this phenomenon in your relationship to something very mundane: tooth brushing.
What if you stopped brushing your teeth? I mean, seriously, you’ve brushed your teeth for what? 25 years? 40 years? If you’ve been alive for 25 years, you’ve brushed your teeth 9,125 days! If you brush twice a day, that’s more than 18,000 brushings! Surely that’s enough!
Surely, now, you can stop brushing, right?
When I make this argument, you think I’m ridiculous.
Of course you’re going to continue brushing your teeth! Every day!
But I notice a similar phenomenon in relationship communication. In the beginning years, you can’t wait to say hello to your partner when you come home. You’ve been apart 9 whole hours, and you’re dying to have your partner in your arms again. There are kisses, and how-was-your-day’s exchanged.
And then…years later when you’ve been holding your baby all day long who screams when you put her down, instead of a welcome home kiss at the door when your partner comes home, you shove the baby at your partner, turn around and run upstairs, craving a moment—just a moment—when you can go to the bathroom all. By. Yourself.
Build a relationship habit that’s as instinctual as brushing your teeth
You brush your teeth because you care about your hygiene. You don’t want to be the toothless smiler and you hate pain. You don’t want to need a root canal or walk around like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man.
How is it we know—know beyond a shadow of a doubt—that brushing our teeth is worth it? But we don’t remember the tiny habits that maintain our relationship?
Today I’m gonna make it easier for you to find a non-negotiable habit for your relationship—like brushing your teeth.
Once that relationship habit becomes as non-negotiable as tooth brushing, you won’t ever let yourself neglect it again.
Date Night Discussion
Today I want to invite you and your partner to ask the question, what habit is like toothbrushing in our relationship?
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to practice your 2-minute-toothbrushing-type habit so that fostering a connection to your partner becomes as routine as brushing your teeth. What will help you make this habit so ingrained that you’d feel weird leaving the house without practicing your habit?
Your relationship will improve when you’re aware of your “big rocks”
To help you find your non-negotiable habit, I tell you 2 stories about rocks.
The first story comes from author and habit guru, Stephen Covey. Dr. Covey was standing in front of a large audience and he had next to him a fishbowl and a pile of big rocks with words written on them—words like health, family, personal goals.
These big rocks represent the most important things in your life. Listen to the episode to hear the whole story about how to prioritize these rocks and find more time to connect with your partner.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
