Why did it seem so easy to make friends in kindergarten? And how do you make a new friend now that you’re an adult?
In kindergarten it was easy. Certainly easier. First of all, children that age haven’t yet faced rejection, so they aren’t scared to simply speak their mind, “Want to be my friend?” Secondly, there were a whole bunch of kids and there was recess. There was a designated time to play with a friend and a host of friends to choose from.
Now that you’re an adult, it feels like there’s never time. And where—WHERE—do I find that pool of people waiting to play? Today, we discuss the role of friendship in your life.
- You’ll get a practical habit to help you make a new friend
- And a discussion prompt so that you and your partner can understand the role of friends in your life outside your relationship
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Why does making friends as an adult feel so hard?
I have clients that come into my office who feel … it’s not quite lonely…more like mystified. So I voice the question they don’t know how to ask, “It’s hard to know how to make friends when you’re a grown up, isn’t it?”
“Yes!” they say with a look of relief on their face because I’ve spoken their insecurity aloud.
Almost everyone is looking for a new friend. New friends add spice to our lives, and they help us feel like we belong.
But something happened to you, if not in kindergarten, maybe later: when you asked that vulnerable question, “Want to be my friend?” you got rejected. You’d never had that happen before and suddenly you realized asking such a straightforward question could be scary!
So, your Inner Lizard jumps in and tries to keep you safe…by never opening your mouth again! Or never risking that pain.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is two-fold:
- Put yourself into a situation where it’s easier to make a new friend.
- Find a way that’s comfortable for you to take advantage of that situation.
An essential mindset shift for making new friends
In elementary school I used to ask teachers if I could help them with anything during recess because I was so lonely and afraid of the pain of rejection from my classmates. Then, one day, my sweet mother—the woman who baked bread and rang doorbells—challenged my thinking. “Sweetie, have you ever wondered if any of your classmates also feel scared to go to recess? That maybe they feel lonely and scared too?”
It was a genius move on my mother’s part. That was the day I decided I could help. I could help eradicate loneliness in my classmates, and I’ve been doing it ever since.
Rather than worry about how I’m feeling, I wonder about how others are feeling. This little mind shift could help you to feel less lonely. Because, instead of worrying about your own loneliness, your concern is for the people around you.
Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to talk with your partner about friendship.
Ask your partner who they consider to be good friends? Why does your partner enjoy that person’s or those people’s company? Volunteer the same information, telling your partner about your friends and what they bring to your life.
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