Are you often tempted to enter your spouse’s experience?
This can look like judgement: “He should brush his teeth.” “She should find a new job.”
Or blending: “He doesn’t tell me he loves me.” “She never appreciates me.”
When you have these thoughts–or speak them aloud–you are in your partner’s business. And that doesn’t bring you closer, it pushes your partner away.
Today, we talk about the single most important habit that will ensure your happily ever after: stay in your own business.
The health of your marriage = staying in your own business
This is the tool I use with every couple I work with. Even after years of working with me, I’ll ask clients if they’re using it and they give that look of, “How could I forget again?!”
But every time. Every. Single. Time. When we return to this tool, my clients see change. More clarity. Better relationship.
The single most important habit for a healthy marriage is to stay in your own business. The problem is most of us don’t do this. Instead, you’re habitually in your spouse’s business, wondering what they could do better. Or you’re wondering why your spouse is ruining your happiness.
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3 kinds of business
Let’s identify the three kinds of business and figure out how to stay in your own business instead of meddling in your spouse’s business.
The three types of business in your marriage are:
- Your business: thinking about what you can control.
- Your spouse’s business: thinking about what your spouse can control.
- God’s business: thinking about circumstances that happen in the natural world like tornadoes or the wave patterns at the shoreline.
When you master the single most important habit for a healthy marriage—staying in your OWN business—your happiness will grow exponentially.
Blending and judging
How do you know when you’re blending? How do you know when you’re judging?
The signal that you’re blending with your partner is that you know your partner’s thoughts, feelings, or motivations.
The signal that your judging your partner is that you want your partner to change. Often the word “should” is part of your vocabulary.
Try this:
1. Notice when you begin to blend.
- He doesn’t tell me he loves me.
- She never appreciates me.
2. Notice when you begin to judge.
- He should brush his teeth.”
- “She should find a new job.”
3. Notice your god-complex.
- “It snows too much.”
- “I’m gonna die this year.”
Each time you find yourself in someone else’s business, practice the habit of consciously returning to yourself.
If you get confused, refer to this outline by Byron Katie, or watch a short tutorial here.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
