148: What does forgiveness have to do with setting boundaries? With Dr. Lee Baucom

What are you hesitant to forgive? Are there “unforgivable” things in your past? Are you feeling STUCK because you can’t bring yourself to forgive?

Today I have a conversation with the author of The Forgive Process, by Dr. Lee Baucom. I love the way Dr. Baucom writes about forgiveness. Do you know why? Because he gives YOU all the agency.

1. He explains why forgiveness is for YOU, not the person who wronged you. He doesn’t say you “have to” forgive. He says you “get to” forgive.
2. We’ll talk through his 6-step process to help you practice forgiveness because you’ll feel more free.
3. Over and over you’ll see how you can take back your life, get unstuck, and have more agency when you employ these tools of forgiveness.

Dr. Baucom’s Forgive Process has six steps

• Step 1: Decide to Forgive
• Step 2: Enemy to Empathy: See the humanity
• Step 3: Breathe and Release: let the memory pass
• Step 4: Learn the Lessons
• Step 5: Accept your role or choose your role
• Step 6 Re-Decide and Re-Enforce

This process gives you the tools to forgive, because forgiving is where your freedom—and your agency—reside.

The magic that happens in this forgiveness process

What I love about the examples that Dr. Baucom offers us is the various kinds of agency we can claim.

Debbie, whose husband had an affair, couldn’t find any agency for herself because she was stuck in that loop of wanting to change the past.

Bob inherited a family business, but then had his friend embezzle from him. How can he allow forgiveness to inspire him to change his work habits?

And then there’s Anne. Anne had no culpability in her childhood situation. But she was there. That is the part of her past she cannot change no matter how many people she defends as an attorney now. She didn’t have agency as a child. Her father—monster that he was—ruled that household. Did she take on too much agency as an adult—wanting to save the world (and right the wrongs of her own childhood)? I love how the forgiveness process helps us to claim the appropriate amount of agency.

Which step of the Forgive Process resonates most with you?

Where are you surrendering your present-day-agency by staying chained to the injustice of your past? Which step will be most difficult for you? How might your life change if you forgave that “unforgiveable” person who haunts your heart?

Connect with Dr. Lee Baucom

Dr. Lee Baucom is a marriage coach who believes something most therapists won’t tell you… that you don’t need your spouse on board to start saving your marriage. For over two decades, he’s helped thousands of people in hurting marriages discover that real change begins when one person decides to stop waiting and start acting. Lee doesn’t do endless processing or dwelling on what’s broken. Instead, he teaches people how to shift from “me versus you” thinking to seeing their marriage as a system they can influence. This is true, even when they feel completely alone in the effort. His approach is hope-infused and action-oriented, because he knows that the people who find him are tired of feeling stuck and ready for a new direction.

For more, you can visit Dr. Baucom’s website, listen to his podcast, read one of his many books, or download his app for couples in crisis.

More ways to listen: