Why is either/or thinking toxic for your relationship? Because it boxes out possibilities. Why is either/or thinking so tempting? Because it simplifies our complicated lives.
Today we’re noticing how toxic the unconscious but super seductive question “Either/Or” can be.
- I’ll take you through 3 reasons your brain loves to default to either/or thinking and how to use 2 words to free your mind from the limitations that either/or thinking can impart.
- Then I’ll offer you the magic words that will open your mind.
- And not only will I share with you the far-reaching consequences of this paradigm shift, we’ll practice together so you can hear how shifting the question shifts your mindset.
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Here are a couple examples of either/or thinking:
- Either we take our vacation to the beach and we’re finally able to relax, or we take an exciting mountain trek we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.
- I can either care for my family, or I can have a satisfying career.
- Either we figure out how to share money fairly, or our marriage is over.
Do these either/or conundrums resonate with you? There are lots of reasons that either/or thinking is compelling and so seductive we almost can’t resist it.
Reason #1 why your brain loves to default to either/or thinking
Your brain hates complication or uncertainty, so it’s tempting to be reductionist and simplify things into black and white. All or nothing. Either/or.
That’s why, when considering a vacation, it’s tempting to reduce the choices to two things:
The (calming) beach or The (exciting) adventure.
Either/or = no flexibility
You want a vacation. But what do you really want? Maybe your identity is shaped around adventuring, but you long for restful relaxation. That confusion can lead to indecision.
This is the problem with either/or thinking: you get stuck. Stuck in answers that have no flexibility and stuck in an imagination that has simplified things so much you lose the goal.
You can have both
When you get stuck in either/or thinking I recommend you pull out a magic wand. This magic wand is made up of two words: Both. And.
Let your magic wand be the words, “How can we change either/or to both/and?”
You want both: relaxation and adventure. You can have both. You just need to look for the AND instead of forcing yourself to choose: either/or.
How can we have the most relaxing vacation and the best adventures?
Try this:
Practice changing sentence structures from either/or to both/and.
Give yourself several either/or situations. What does it sound like to turn them into both/and statements or questions?
For some people this is super easy. If that’s you, you’re probably not held captive by either/or thinking. But if you struggle to rework a sentence to include the same choices with the alternate frame of both/and, practice will help.
Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to employ the word because to change either/or thinking into an invitation for you and your sweetheart to cultivate your happily ever after.
I invite you to practice asking, why is it a good idea for us to chase the bothness? How will both/and serve us instead of either/or?
Go exploring for your favorite either/or’s. Do they have to do with chores? Money? Sex?
Once you find a juicy either/or, try reframing it as both/and as well as the word “because.”
Want more?
- In this episode, I talk about how resistance is where suffering lives.
- I talk a lot about how changing the words you use when you talk to your partner can change your relationship. Discover the power of hello and how “yes-but” kills connection.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
