Do you have a place where you rehearse how dreadful your partner is?
For me it was the kitchen sink. I stood at that sink and this was my litany while I washed dishes. “Here I am. Alone again. Cinderella. I’m the only one who cleans this kitchen.”
We all do it, right? Poor me. My life sucks. Everyone else has it better.
And we want to blame someone for our sucky life.
If you are like me and everyone else I know, the easiest person to blame is your partner.
Today we’ll focus on those moments you’re likely to be critical of your partner.
- We’ll discuss how your Kitchen Sink Voice turns an ordinary complaint into a courtroom where your partner is always the defendant.
- We’ll address how curiosity can interrupt the blame-shame cycle you might have when criticism shows up and how curiosity can allow you to discover what you’re actually feeling in your body which wakes up your compassion—for yourself and your partner.
- These three C’s—criticism > curiosity > and compassion can become a practice for you to transform the way you think, and thus the way you connect to your partner.
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Do you complain about your partner?
- I’m the only one who always ____ (empties the trash, pays the bills, deals with backpacks)
- He never notices.
- She doesn’t care.
- If I don’t do it, nobody will.
If you rehearse the story long enough, something happens…
Your complaint becomes a criticism.
I’m tired of doing all the dishes becomes My husband is a selfish slob.
And suddenly you’re not just frustrated. You’re RIGHT.
The problem with being right
I know all about being right because I lived it.
I used to stand at my kitchen sink, washing dishes and building my case against my husband. I felt righteous. Virtuous, even.
But underneath all that righteousness was something much more vulnerable:
- I was lonely.
- I was overwhelmed.
- I was tired.
And my righteous silence wasn’t bringing me any closer to the man I loved.
It was pushing us apart.
How can you get curious instead?
The turning point for me was when I learned to interrupt my Kitchen Sink Voice with one simple question:
Is that really true?
- Is he really a selfish slob?
- Am I really the only one who cares about our connection?
- Is it true he doesn’t want to talk to me?
Sometimes the answer might be yes, and there is a real problem that needs to be addressed.
But curiosity gives you a moment to investigate.
Once I stopped being so certain about my criticism, I could finally become curious about me.
- What am I feeling?
- What do I need?
- What is this Kitchen Sink Resentment trying to tell me?
That curiosity led me somewhere that criticism never could:
Compassion.
- Compassion for myself.
- Compassion for my husband.
- And eventually, compassion made room for connection.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to identify where your Kitchen Sink Voice lives. We all have one. When you can find your Kitchen Sink Voice, you’re able to begin to practice with the 3 C’s: criticism > curiosity > compassion.
- Notice how complaints turn to criticisms
- Employ curiosity
- Enjoy the transformative power of compassion
Date Night Discussion
I invite you to have a date night discussion with your partner this week.
- Tell your partner about your Kitchen Sink Voice.
- Ask your partner if they have a Kitchen Sink Voice.
- If you were able to find your equivalent for my Brown Grass Voice, how would the story change?
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
