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What if protecting your marriage is actually causing deeper relationship problems?

Your marriage is important to you. You want to ensure that what you’ve built with your partner will last. But fear for your marriage will do more harm than good to your relationship.

In this episode, we’ll talk about why protecting your relationship is killing your chemistry:

  • We’ll examine why you (or maybe your partner) shoots down the idea for a fancy date night: hint the answer is romantic.
  • You’ll learn the difference between wanting energy that fuels your desire for a more exciting future vs protective energy that keeps you safely housed in the life you have today.
  • You’ll get a simple strategy to change your self-talk so you can wake up your desire without frightening that Inner Lizard that’s always trying to keep you safe.


If you’d prefer to read a transcript of this episode, click here.


First, the good news: Protection is linked to desire.

Does this scene sound familiar?: Sex has slipped into last place because you’re both so tired at the end of the day, and you decide it’s time to wake up your sex life.

So you say to your partner, “I made reservations at that cute Airbnb down the street. I thought we could leave work early Friday and meet there.”

“Are you crazy?” your partner says, “We can’t afford that.”

You feel rejected.

It might be true that money is tight and an Airbnb isn’t a wise expenditure at this time in your marriage, but you wanted your partner to at least agree with the idea.

When your partner rejects your offer in favor of protecting your future, it means your marriage matters to them. Protection and balancing budgets are just lousy forms of communication when it comes to desire.

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Don’t let fear take over your marriage

When you were dating, risks were a natural part of the equation because what you wanted was still out of reach. Once you got married, however, you assimilated that relationship and you went into protection mode.

Now you’ve got that married-house and you’re days are taken up with mowing the lawn and paying bills.

It’s not that you don’t want to be married. It’s that wanting energy has been replaced by fear.  Your protective Inner Lizard has shown up to guard against any threat to your relationship.

Wanting energy is fueled by new experiences and the excitement of discovering the unknown.

The more comfortable your marriage gets, the more vigilant your lizard gets about protecting that relationship.

How can you keep your fear from ruining your marriage?

It’s all about the way you talk to yourself first. And then the way you talk to your partner.

Try this: 

Notice what you want to create vs. what you’re trying to protect.

One way to do this is to revive your want. Talk to yourself about things you have already.

How can you WANT the thing you already HAVE?

Talk to yourself about savoring some of your favorite things in your relationship.

Notice the reason for your partner’s fear

Allow yourself to notice the patterns of times when your partner is a killjoy. When your partner seems to shoot down your ideas.

Then allow yourself to wonder about what your partner is trying to keep safe. What is your partner valuing by going into protection mode?

Does your partner feel the bulk of responsibility for paying the bills? If so, your partner will get scared any time that is threatened.

If your partner does the bulk of the cleaning, your partner will get ruffled anytime things get out of order. There are tons of issues where your partner might get edgy because they’re doing all that adulting and they forget the power of play.

It happens to all of us.

Take charge of your fear and the voice you’re listening to

Really listen to what your Inner Lizard is saying because it’s likely blowing the whole scene out of proportion.

Be kind to your own inner lizard. Its intentions are good: trying to keep you safe. And be kind to your partner’s inner lizard. That lizard is trying to keep your partner safe.

Then notice what you’re both trying to protect. Notice all that you have.

Date Night Discussion

This week, talk to your partner about an Inner Lizard moment.

Instead of attacking, or blaming your sweetheart’s Inner Lizard, show them some love.

How about you?

Does your partner sacrifice passion to protect your relationship? Do you?

I want to know. Text me at 970-210-4480 and tell me about how you’ll change your thinking about fear and create chemistry in your relationship.

Click here to read the full text of this podcast episode.

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