90: How to Ask for What You Want Without Drama

Today we discuss the power of giving good, clean communication and why that is transformational to the intimacy in your marriage:

1. You’ll hear how fear and confusion are polluting your marriage communication, and how you can overcome that fear, and get clear about what you want.
2. We’ll talk about the power of mirror neurons and how vulnerability can magnetize your partner to you.
3. And I’ll give you two examples of “dirty asks” that we will clean up together so you can learn to ask cleanly in your relationship.

If you’d prefer to read a transcript of this episode, click here.

The first step in healthy communication is to overcome fear

Why is that the first step? Because fear pollutes your communication.

You want to say, “I wanna to kiss you right now.” But then this voice of fear races in and whispers in your ear, Eek! You can’t say that! What if he doesn’t want to kiss you?!

This fear confuses you. You want the kiss, but you don’t want to get hurt.

So, instead you say, “You never kiss me anymore.” That feels safer. You’re not so vulnerable, right?

Your inner lizard thinks it better to keep you safe from all of these sorts of dangers.

Your lizard will always be in the car as you travel the road that is your life. To overcome fear is simply to SEE your fear clearly, and to ask your fear—politely, and with lots of courage—to sit in the backseat.

Overcoming fear is really about feeling the fear and going after what you want anyway. Ask for the kiss.

Step two is to get clear about what you want

What kind of kiss do you want? Do you want the kiss that welcomes you home and assures you that you’re safe? Or do you want the kiss that drags you down the hall, peeling off clothes as you make your way to the bedroom.

This is where you might get lost in the black hole of confusion. Confusion and fear are twins. They both make it hard to know what you really, truly want.

And, even when you do know what you want, you realize asking for that wonderful thing makes you entirely TOO vulnerable…so completely different words pop out of your mouth.

I don’t want your relationship communication to be flavored with the black cloud of confusion, and I don’t want it flavored with fears that you’re not enough.

I want you to taste healthy, clean communication that fosters true intimacy with your partner.

Ask cleanly is third step to better marriage communication

A clean ask is made up of the first two steps—overcoming fear, and getting clear—and then it’s framed up respectfully so that your partner can say yes or no.

Why is it important that you frame your ask such that your partner can answer yes or no? for several reasons:

1. This framework helps you to stay aware. When you frame your desire as a request that can be accepted or refused, you stay away from blame, shame, and confusion.
2. Secondly, when you give your partner a choice in what you want, you validate the individuality inside your togetherness.
3. Reason number three is that when you frame your request such that your partner can say yes or no, you invite your partner into this lovely dance of agency in your relationship. You invite your partner to choose you.

It’s reason three that scares your inner lizard. But if my partner has agency…they could choose to leave me! This is the perpetual fear of your inner lizard, so your inner lizard is constantly trying to sidestep this vulnerability.

The clean ask that invites your partner to say yes or no has 3 parts:

1. You state your feeling
2. Next, you state your desire
3. Finally, you ask for what you want with a yes or no implied answer

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