You’ve been invited to dinner with some friends. You ask your partner if they want to go. “OK. But I really wanted to stay home and watch a movie,” is the reply.
“Why don’t you want to go?” you ask.
“I said I would go,” your partner says in that tone that tells you to back off.
You feel confused, hurt and rejected.
Your partner said, “Yes.” But it feels like “no.” What happened?
You’ve been yes-butted. The word “yes” when followed by the word “but” is a contrarian’s delight. Tina Fey says this “yes-but” answer will destroy the energy in a comedy scene. It will also kill the connection in your marriage.
Why saying yes-but kills connection
“But” sets up a contradiction, and because we are neurologically programed to focus on negative information, the negative message is what your partner will hear. When you say, “I’d love to go to the beach, but I’m afraid of sharks.” Your partner will hear, I don’t want to go to the beach.
When you say, “I love movies, but I hate the smell of theaters.” Your partner will hear, We’re not having date night this week.
When you say, “I’d love to have sex, but I’m really tired.” Your partner will hear, I think you’re ugly.
“But” cancels out anything before the word “yes.” Then it feels like we just lost whatever was offered with the “yes.”
If you’re given something and it’s taken away, it’s much more painful to lose than if you were never given it in the first place. Don’t believe me? Which upsets you more: holding airline tickets and having them ripped out of your hand, or never having plans to visit the beach?
We hate losing things or missing out. When you say “yes,” you’ve given your partner tickets to the beach. Then your “but” grabs those tickets away.
“But” pours water on the fire of your relationship. If you keep butting, soon your warm, glowing fire is cold and dark. You’ll lose trust and alienate the person you love most.
Try this:
This week notice each time you use the word “but” in a sentence after the word “yes.”
Just listening for that three letter word is going to change how often you use it. In this case, awareness is enough to make a big shift.
You’re saying yes-but more often than you think
You want to do things, so you say, “Yes.” But then your Inner Lizard wakes up and is terrified of all the ways you’ll get hurt because of saying “yes.” Imagine your Lizard deep inside your brain as it quickly attaches a warning flag to the “yes” you just said. Suddenly the word “but” is pouring out of your mouth.
“But there might be sharks!”
“But I’m worried about getting sick.”
“But I don’t have any energy.”
It’s your Lizard’s job to keep you out of trouble, and “but” is a great restraint to keep danger at bay.
The intention is good. You want to keep yourself and your partner safe, but it’s not working. See what I just did there? I mentioned your good intention: you want to keep you and your partner safe. Then I used the word “but” to warn you that your intentions are not enough.
Let’s look at an example: My stepfather was a “yes-but” person. He was conservative in every sense of the word except with his love. He loved people by keeping them safe and provided for, and he was great at it. But I had trouble feeling his love because it was delivered with so many “buts”.
As a result, I didn’t feel loved. I felt restricted. Stopped. Demoralized. Interestingly, it was the “buts” he offered my mother that caused these feelings. She’d say, “Let’s play a game.”
“But dinner is almost ready,” he’d reply. My mom knew dinner was only a few minutes away, but she wanted to seize the moment.
Ever the idea person, my mom would suggest, “Let’s take a vacation! I want to see the Pacific Ocean.”
“That would be nice, but I’m not sure we can afford it,” was his quick reply. He was a provider. That’s how he showed love to his family. He worried about the roof over our head and money for food so we didn’t have to.
His intentions were always good. In the days before bill paying was automatic, he made the most of every penny by waiting until the last minute to pay a bill. He had a stack of envelopes with a date each should go into the mail. This way he was never late with a payment, but the money stayed in the bank account, earning interest, until the last possible second.
His nurturance was a FORCE in my childhood that I only see in retrospect when I’m paying my own bills and making my own dinners.
At the time, his “but” energy sucked the joy out of the room.
In addition to good intentions, you need to employ skill. Fear—and the “but” that signals fear is nearby—will sneak its way into a multitude of moments in your relationship. Fear attracts your partner about as well as a skunk inspires snuggling.
Try this:
As you continue to notice the word “but” after you say “yes,” ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?” “What am I trying to protect?”
You and your partner want to build a life together and that certainly includes all the basic stuff like a roof and food. You’ll probably worry at times about how you’re gonna make ends meet. So be aware of your language.
When you use the word “yes,” you open the window for joy. When you use the word “but,” you put bars on that window. Let the love you share be full of fresh, unrestricted air.
Why does this work? Because now you’re going to hear yourself saying “but” and you’ll hear your words differently. This gentle way of changing: simply offering your attention to your intention is enough. In fact, it is the most important thing you can do.
How to shift to saying yes-and
The next step, after reducing the number of times you say “yes-but,” is to substitute the word “and” for “but.”
“I’d love to go to the beach, and I’m afraid of sharks.” Now your partner hears, Can you help me be watchful for fins?
“I’d love to have sex, and I’m really tired.” Now your partner hears, I think you’re so hot, I’ll never get enough sleep again.
See how “and” embraces your desire to say “yes” rather than contradicts it? With the word “and” your Lizard fears are welcomed gently. Instead of pushing your lover away with the word “but,” you’re using the word “and” to connect you.
It’s as if “and” is the word that glues your human frailty to your hope for deeper connection with your partner. “I long for the beach and I’m afraid; will you help me?”
“I think you’re so sexy and I need sleep; would you be willing to wake me up with your kisses?”
You reveal you’re afraid of sharks: Revelation draws you and your partner closer. You’re both confident and vulnerable when you say you’re tired: vulnerability, mixed with confidence, is the magic elixir when it comes to sex.
Try this:
Pause after “but.” Switch to “and” and notice the change you feel.
- When you hear the word “but” coming out of your mouth, pause.
- Switch instead to the word “and.”
- Notice how just the character of the word “and” inspires a different feeling in your body. Instead of fear or contradiction, notice how your feelings change: to revelation or invitation.
But what if you actually want to say no?
Remember how the “but” after you say “yes” cancels out the agreeable nature of your “yes”? Well, “but” can do the same with the word “no,” canceling out the negative nature of the word.
Sometimes you want to say “no,” like when your partner invites you to sit through a 45-minute video detailing how to use a chisel. But you like the bowls your partner carves.
When your partner invites you to sit down to watch the 16th YouTube video of a guy spinning a bowl, holding a chisel, say, “No thank you. I’m not patient enough to watch a chisel at work, but I adore getting to use the bowl that is the result.”
The magic of “but” when paired with “no” is that you are able to tell the truth about what you enjoy doing, but you don’t risk alienating your partner.
This is the opposite of conditional love. You’re naming, clearly, the thing you don’t want, while simultaneously emphasizing a reason you love the person.
We can smell the truth. Your partner knows when you don’t want to do something. Most communication is nonverbal anyhow. When you try to hide your negative energy with the word “yes,” your negative feelings come flooding in to backfill, and they override any positive energy “yes” tried to inspire.
It’s better to speak your truth. When that is “no,” then say, “No” to the request.
Then offer “but” as a reach of connection.
“No-but”—as opposed to “yes-but”—leaves room for you to connect and affirm your partner even when you don’t want to do the same thing.
Listen to these:
“No, I don’t want to go to the beach because I’m afraid of sharks, but I’d love to set up a beach umbrella in the backyard and drink umbrella drinks with you there.” Now your partner hears, I may not like the beach, but I like you.
“No, I’m too tired for sex now, but I’m going to rest up because you deserve to be loved when I’m wide awake.” Now your partner hears, I’m willing to adjust my life and I want to give you the best I’ve got.
Use “but” to your advantage when you start with “no” and watch your love deepen quickly.
Try this:
- Notice when you want to say “No.” Sometimes this is a practice all its own.
- Name, specifically, what is in the request that you don’t want to do.
- Ask yourself what you do want do to. Be specific.
- Use a “but” to link the “no” you found with this “yes.”
Here’s an example:
- Notice the “No.” No. I don’t want to go out to eat.
- Notice the specific reason. I don’t like the noise.
- Ask yourself what you do want. I want to encourage my partner’s invitation because I love date night, and it thrills me that my partner asked.
- “No” but “Yes.” “No, I don’t want to go out to eat, but I’d love to have a special date night. How about we order sushi and eat it in front of the fire?”
Can a single word really make that big of a difference in your relationship? Yes! But only if you follow the spirit of “yes-and” energy.
The reason this exercise works so well in your marriage is because communication style matters. Am I affirming my partner? Or am I trying to warn my partner?
I challenged my stepfather to stop saying “but.” I told him he was always shooting down my mom (I was clearly a relationship coach even at 15), but I was sure he loved her.
“But” disappeared from his vocabulary. He was the living embodiment of “yes-and.” Years later, when the two of them would go to the rec center together, people stopped them almost every day. “You’re always holding hands,” strangers would say. “You really look like you love each other.”
My mom was always the one to answer, “I’ve never been loved so well in my life.”
You can learn to use “and” instead of “but” when you say “yes” and banish alienation from your marriage.
You can also learn to use “but” after “no” to affirm your partner, and even those places where you disagree can become opportunities for your marriage to grow more tender every year.
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Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to talk about the role of the word, “No,” in your relationship. Are there occasions where your partner regularly says no to you?
Hearing no on a regular basis can be demoralizing. These “no’s” make it tough to collaborate and they kill sexual chemistry.
So I invite you to talk about the word no. Do you feel free to say “no” to your partner? Where are the places in your relationship you want to feel free to say “no?”
Tell your partner specifically what it is about that something that you DON’T want to do. Is it something sexual? A chore you hate? Hosting friends you don’t really enjoy?
Specificity is crucial here if you want to feel united with your partner. We are often reluctant to be specific because we don’t want to hurt our partner, but the opposite is much more true. Your partner can feel your “no.” They feel that no emanating from your animal body.
When you don’t offer a specific reason for your no, your partner’s imagination fills in the blanks.
- When you don’t say, “I don’t like to be touched that way,” your partner imagines that you don’t like to be touched by them.
- When you don’t say, “I hate sorting the mail,” your partner feels alone in a task that has your name on the envelope.
- When you don’t say, “I don’t enjoy those people,” your partner imagines you don’t like hosting anyone.
Your partner’s imagination will fill in the blank when you say “no” and what they imagine will be far worse than what you really feel. Consequently, it’s kinder to be specific about what you don’t like and don’t want.
However, this no you’re introducing into your very specific conversation is actually a potent opportunity for connection if you follow it up with the power of the word, “but!”
Just as yes, but… phrases can cause alienation, no, but… phrases can offer glue to your relationship. Here’s how:
Now that you’ve been really specific about what you don’t want, get equally curious about what you DO want.
- You DO want to be touched like this.
- You DO want to be in charge of keeping the kitchen clean.
- You DO want to have these other friends over for dinner.
Then learn to link your no with the but I’d love to…
So you say, I don’t like to be touched like that, but I love it when you touch me this way. If you try this be prepared for your sex life to get exciting.
You say, I don’t like to sort the mail, but I’m happy to keep the kitchen clean. If you try this, be prepared for a new level of trustworthy partnership to develop in your relationship.
You say, I don’t enjoy the company of those friends, but I do want to ask these friends over for dinner. If you try this one watch your relationship open up to all kinds of new possibilities. In addition to hosting those favored friends, you and your partner can sometimes go separate ways. Then watch the magic of coming back together. You’ll both be filled up with the joy of indulging your own taste and find your partner a refreshing place to come home to.
Let me repeat this formula for No, because I’ve watched it deepen relationships over and over.
- Notice the “no” you feel. No, I don’t like to be touched like that.
- Notice the specific reason. I feel self-conscious.
- Then ask yourself what DO you want. I want my partner to touch me here, like this.
- Finally, add the alluring magic of that no…but to invite your partner into a big YES. No, I don’t like to be touched like that. But I really like it when you touch me here, like this.
Can you feel the fire of connection this little magic will ignite in your life?
I want to hear about the negativity in your relationship and how identifying the but’s and the specific fears and desires changes your vocabulary. Text me at 970-210-4480 and let me know how this habit impacts your relationship.
Want more?
- Listen to this blog as a podcast episode.
- Here’s an episode that will help you stop fear from polluting your relationship communication.
- While eliminating but from your relationship vocabulary will reduce lots of your conflict, you’ll still probably disagree. And some of those disagreements will require a tender apology to repair your relationship. Here’s an episode where I lay out a formula for a really good apology.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
