Clueless and Codependent Part 2: How to Let Go of Codependence

Are you in a codependent relationship?

Even though you’ve asked your partner over and over to wipe up their crumbs after making a sandwich, do you—with pursed lips and a tense jaw—wipe up those crumbs? Do you cover for your partner who drinks too much and says something insensitive to a friend by saying, “They’ve had such a bad week at work. I’m so sorry.”

With a lot of my private coaching clients, we talk about cluelessness and codependence, so I decided to create a short series.

• Last week we looked at cluelessness.
• In this blog and the corresponding podcast episode, we talk about codependence. You’ll get a habit to practice as well as a script to help you communicate more effectively with your partner.
• Next week, we’ll talk about the negative dynamic that results when you have a combination of cluelessness and codependence in your relationship.

Symptoms of codependence

You might want to examine your codependent tendencies if:

1. Your partner regularly complains “stop trying to control me.”
2. You have trouble knowing what you want or what you feel. It might be easy for you to say what other people want or feel, but when it comes to yourself, that’s much more difficult to identify.
3. You have trouble setting boundaries. This stems from your fear of being abandoned, so you accommodate the ones you love so they won’t leave you.

 

Degrees of codependency

Codependence is a matter of degree, right?

Codependence is steeped in a fear of abandonment and low self-worth. Because of that fear, the codependent person seeks to control their environment and their partner.

It’s counter-intuitive but the codependent person imagines their partner wouldn’t survive without them. The codependent person doesn’t know how to value their own feelings and needs. Instead, they find their value in the ability to help their partner thrive, or maybe just plain survive.

This is convenient for the codependent because they are so busy being useful in their partner’s life that they don’t have to take responsibility for their own life, feelings, or desires. They can just live through their partner.

Codependence steals your self-worth

A codependent person will stay with their addicted partner who comes and goes as they please, without a care in the world how their behavior impacts others. A codependent person hides their partner’s irresponsibility by making excuses or making up for their foibles. A codependent person ends up a shell of themself because their life has become all about repairing the damage your partner sews in the world.

To what degree might you behave in a codependent way? How about your partner?

 

Sources of codependence

If you are codependent, it can be tricky to spot because you feel so helpful!

I remember when my husband, who was a carpenter at the time, decided to go to medical school. I was in my late 20’s and completely adrift with no particular direction in life. His decision gave me an organizing principle for my life.

We had two little kids as he started his studies in earnest and I made it my job to take care of all life’s details so he could focus on his studies. When we moved, I packed and unpacked the whole house. I found a job that allowed me to continue to be the primary parent.

The effect of my codependent tendencies

I never asked myself what he could offer me. I found my worth in supporting his goals, and I made a point of never inconveniencing him.

Unconsciously, I made myself more and more invisible because his needs felt more directional and important. Can you see my self-worth diminishing over time because of my neglect?

Because I found my worth in his successes, I began to control his behaviors to the degree I could. “Have you studied for that test?” I knew that working out gave his mind clarity so I’d ask, “Have you been to the gym?”

Everything in my life was oriented to serve his dream and as a result, I felt more and more dependent on his dream succeeding.

A codependent relationship hurts you and your partner

Then one day, years into this experiment that was our life, my husband, frustrated with my micromanagement said, “Get a life of your own!”

Ouch, right? But so true. I’d been relying on him for my identity and I’d neglected who I was on planet earth.

No one who saw me from the outside would ever have thought I suffered from low self-worth. I was a strong personality and a confident person. But my husband had named that core struggle I was facing: I didn’t have a life of my own. I was living vicariously through him.

Start with self-compassion

As with all things, self-compassion was the place to start. I began with bewilderment, “How did this happen?” I asked myself. When you can gently understand yourself in light of your life circumstances, you give yourself a ladder to escape the behavior that’s holding you back.

I saw how my upbringing in the church contributed. I was raised with a message to ignore my own needs and to serve others. Additionally, I was raised in a society where, as a woman, I was trained to negate my own needs in favor of the needs of my family. And, because I wanted a family soooo much, I swallowed this myth completely. Finally, in my family or origin, I received messages that my needs should bend to meet the needs of another family member.

Triple jeopardy, right? I had a vast education that set me up to behave in this codependent way in my marriage.

It helps to examine why you have these codependent behaviors

If you were to reflect on the influences that have told you how to behave in a love-relationship, where might you find invitations to behave in a codependent fashion?

As I question each of these three influences, I found reason after reason that I would be happier and my family would be happier if I valued myself. I fell in love with photography. Photography was a gateway for me to notice the world around me and, additionally, notice what I deemed beautiful.

I began to write in earnest. Similarly, writing allowed me another avenue to notice what I valued. With each personal passion I developed I felt energized, and my need to control my husband’s life slipped away.

It’s not easy to let go of control and understand your own desire

It wasn’t a path of bliss, believe me! Control is HARD to surrender. And figuring out what I wanted—just me, without consideration for anyone else?—that was doubly difficult. But each day, I’d gently invite myself to notice my desire.

I began with, “Am I thirsty?” This was a practice to tune into my body. What did I want? For a codependent person, this is a difficult question. We are so used to noticing everyone else and denying our own needs.

“Am I thirsty?” was a little mantra to tune into my own body. Several times each day, I’d ask this question. More than help me know if I should reach for a glass of water, this question invited me to tune into myself. To value my needs and desires. It was an invitation to simply notice I am worthy of noticing.

Worthiness is the path out of codependence

As I’ve mentioned, the seeds for codependence are planted in childhood: your home environment as well as your social environment.

What were you taught when it comes to your personal boundaries? If you were taught that love is earned when you are a “good girl/boy” then you learned to ignore your own needs. You learned to value your image of perfection more than you value your true feelings and desires.

It’s difficult to tease these apart. Because you desire to appear like you have it all together. This was the basis for the love you earned. You want love…hence you want to have it all together. See the stickiness?

Why is it so difficult to emerge from codependence?

The journey to see your own needs and desires is messy. It’s imperfect. You’ll stumble; probably even publicly, and that is dangerous to the codependent who is trained that love is dependent on making everyone and every situation look good. Image reigns supreme.

Healing, for the codependent, relies on being willing to fail publicly. You’ll look like you don’t have your shit together. Because you don’t. You’re figuring it out.

This is scary.

It’s also human.

If you were to ask yourself, “What do I want?” or “What direction do I want my life to go?” what do you notice?

When you can learn to love yourself, and even find your worthiness, in the midst of all this imperfection, the desire to find your value in *completing* someone else slips away.

 

The cost vs. “benefit” dynamic of a codependent relationship

Let’s look at how codependence contributes to a relationship dynamic.

In my life, the more I made my needs invisible in favor of my husband’s needs, the more I disappeared and the more he was invited to focus on his own life without concern for me.

Can you see how that’s a recipe for resentment?

Yeah. I got resentful. But I was so busy keeping it together, and so busy making myself unquestionably useful, the resentment went WAY underground.

Do you know what happens to toxic resentment when it’s pushed underground? Think of a chemical that pollutes the water table, right? It bubbles down, below the surface, and it permeates EVERYTHING.

What you drink, obviously, but also the fauna and flora that grow on that land, right? And the sneaky thing is, because you can’t see the toxicity, it’s hard to name.

My resentment was covert. I was just a little icy. Or I would suggest things for how David could *better organize his time*. But remember, I was concerned with IMAGE, so I looked nicey nice. Polly perfection.

We all know, though, that that vast majority of communication is non-verbal. I could make it sound sweet and serene, but it was delivered with that invisible, yet pervasive, toxicity.

Until David felt the weight of me.

As I constantly used his life to make mine meaningful.

Not granting him true agency over his own life. Not owning any agency for my own life. It just was so toxic.

This is what my codependence was costing me. But let’s look for a minute at the payoff I got for this codependent lifestyle.

Ask yourself about the “payoff” of your codependent relationship

I like to ask my clients, “What’s the payoff you’re getting?” And they look at me like I’m CRAZY! Didn’t they just tell me how much pain they’re in? There’s no payoff here.

Except there is. Because we always behave in a way that is aiming at what we crave. It’s just often so circuitous that we can’t see the payoff. I’ve found this question—what’s the payoff?—incredibly enlightening, both for myself and for my clients.

When I asked myself, “What’s my payoff?” I really noticed how being so invested in my husband’s life allowed me to dodge the responsibility for my own life. If this whole experiment of life didn’t work…I got to BLAME Dave. And, believe me, I did!

If you were to ask yourself, “What’s my payoff for my codependent tendencies?” what would your answer be? This isn’t about blame. This is about investigation. We can’t go somewhere new until we understand precisely where we are.

This question is aimed at helping you clearly identify what you get out of being codependent, so you can see…Aha! That’s why I perpetuate this behavior. I am getting a little something out of this. Ultimately, my clients realize the payoff isn’t worth the cost, but it’s the exercise of identifying the payoff that makes that clear.

 

How do you LET GO of codependence and control?

I always believe in starting with compassion. Always. Do you know why? Because love heals everything. Especially self-love.

If you have codependence tendencies, you were likely brought up with the value that it is your JOB to make everyone happy. Every time you made others’ lives easier or happier, you were rewarded with a huge dose of love. So, it’s no wonder you want to repeat that cycle, right?

And, believe me, I’m all for brightening a room, bringing the happiness, and helping others. Totally!

But that feels soooo different when you do it from the fullness of your own desire, rather than the carping, yearning feeling of trying to fill your tank of love.

If you feel that you have the tendencies of codependence, I invite you to listen to my podcast episode about the love well to further understand these patterns in your relationship.

You can’t control your way out of codependency

Letting go of codependency is about releasing control (and agency) back to all the people you’re trying to control.

Ugh!

That sounds awful, right?

It’s a practice. So find that tiny spot where you CAN manage to let go of control.

Be kind to yourself and start small

For me it was trusting my husband to determine how much to study himself. Especially after his big outburst: Get a life of your own! I saw how invasive my constant reminders to study must feel from his perspective.

But that’s not what helped me stop asking him about how much he was studying. What helped me let go was imagining the worst-case scenario. What?! That sounds awful for a person who doesn’t want to lose control.

Here’s the thing: when you let yourself go to that worst-case scenario, you FACE your fears. Codependency is just a fancy way to hide from what scares you.

Facing your fears allows you to imagine how resilient you are. This will bring you courage and the belief in yourself that you crave.

So I imagined what would happen if David didn’t study enough: He’d fail a test. OK. Then what? That would probably wake him up to study harder the next time.

When I noticed this was my real, honest answer to this question, I realized I actually trusted David more than I realized. That was helpful.

But I pressed further: what if he didn’t study harder the next time? Well, eventually, he may not be awarded the title of MD.

OK. Then what? I felt the weight of all that debt from medical school. How would we survive?

And then an interesting thing happened. I noticed myself building a plan around bankruptcy and starting over. Suddenly, I realized becoming a physician was my husband’s dream, not mine. Wow! That was really impactful.

Suddenly, I didn’t feel invested in his career at all.

And once I let go of being invested in his career, I noticed a curiosity stirring inside of me: What do I want to do?

You’ll find your self-worth when you let go of codependence

Codependence has so much to do with abdicating your identity to someone else. When you see yourself as worthy, you reclaim your identity and that fuels your agency, which fills your self-worth tank.

What is the worst-case scenario if you let go of controlling your partner?
Imagine yourself in that situation, and notice your resilience. Notice how you would find a way.

The biggest freedom this question offers is when you notice I wouldn’t die. When you see that you won’t die, your fear-response subsides.

Your fear response comes from the most ancient part of your brain: your amygdala. This is the part of your brain that controls fight, flight, freeze.

Your amygdala was helpful when your ancestors were on the open savannah running from a saber-toothed tiger. But it’s not helpful to have the same sized response to a fear that your husband isn’t studying enough.

When you can show that well-intentioned, but overly-alarmist part of your brain, I won’t die! Your fear will settle down.

Here’s a script to help you LET GO of codependence in your relationship:

Use this script if you want to apologize because you can see how your codependence has created some toxicity in your relationship:

Partner, I want to apologize for something. I’ve been learning about codependence and I’m realizing that all the ways I’ve tried to “help” you over the years, may not feel very much like “help” to you.

In fact, I bet it’s felt really controlling. That totally sucks, and it’s not the way I want to love you.

I imagine that when I offer this sort of controlling help, that to you it feels like I’m saying, “I wish you were different.” That’s not the feeling I want to inspire in you.

I’m understanding where this desire to control you comes from and it’s complicated. But at the very core of this ungraceful control is that I need to work on my own self-worth. I’ve been trying to be worthy by making your life better. But that’s none of my business. And that’s what’s caused the mess.

Here’s what I’d like to promise: I promise to stay in my own business and not get tangled up in finding my purpose by controlling your life.

I want to tell you this will be hard for me, because right now I don’t even know how to find my own worthiness. So I’d like to ask for your support.

The next time I try to control you (which I probably will, because I’m learning here), could you pause our conversation and say to me, “Hey, I love you. I really love you. And, as much as I love you, I don’t need your help on this. I love you because you’re my person.”

If you were able to say that to me, and show me that you love me without me “making your life better” (even though we both know I often make it worse too!), I would learn about a new kind of love.

That’s my dream for our relationship.

Here’s a couple suggestions:

I recommend starting with “Am I thirsty?” This is a very tangible question with a clear answer and an easy action implied.

But it is so much more than just an exercise about thirst. This is an exercise that helps you to notice yourself.

Don’t be surprised if, when you ask yourself if you’re thirsty, you also notice that your feet hurt a little. Or that you are feeling rather peppy today.

Noticing yourself is contagious. When you start noticing one thing, you can’t help but notice more and more.

When you notice what you want—what YOU want—you instantly wake up your agency which begins to ask, “How can I give that to myself?”

This is the power of the habit, “Am I thirsty?” You will set yourself on a lifetime adventure of noticing yourself. Noticing what you want. And noticing how you can take steps to give that to yourself.

Powerfully, this is the way to cultivate your self-worth. Want to know how this practice will change your relationship? Because you’ll be tending to your own needs, you won’t be putting all that toxic resentment into your relationship. Your relationship will feel more and more pure with each passing day.