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Improve your marriage communication and more sex will follow

Heather & Sean have lost their confidence, and with it, their sex drive

Heather and Sean appear to be talking to each other, but, in truth, they’re talking past each other.

Each of them says something, and the other hears something completely different.

This is a perfect place for fear to take root.

Fear kills their confidence.

Without confidence, neither imagines they’re attractive to the other.


Partner. Lover. Friend.

Confidence is a key ingredient for lovers in a long-term marriage.

What’s stealing Heather’s confidence?

  • Heather begins to compare herself to a college friend.
  • She feels embarrassed by the comparison.
  • Embarrassment leads to fear, and Heather masks fear with enthusiasm.
  • What Heather really wants is a partner who’ll help her as she faces her fears.

What’s stealing Sean’s confidence?

  • Because Sean doesn’t sense Heather’s fear, he projects his own insecurities into the situation.
  • He imagines he disgusts Heather.
  • So the only reason he can imagine she’d want him to join her is that she’s trying to change him.
  • What Sean really wants is a lover who’ll want him to go swimming.


Friendship is the bridge between lover and partner in your marriage communication


The lover and the partner want opposing things. Until they remember how to be companions, they will tug and tug on each other, causing more and more conflict.

By offering companionship to both the lover and the partner, the friend brings them closer together. This reminds the partner and lover that they ultimately want the same thing: intimacy.

Why this works to improve your marriage communication:

When your spouse is your partner, you feel like you’ve got a teammate to help you face the scary stuff in life: being a grown up, or facing a new fear like finding a new swimming pool.

When your spouse is your lover, you feel like you’re wanted. When you feel wanted, your confidence grows. When you don’t feel wanted, your confidence sags.

Imagine the role of partner and lover on opposite sides of a tug-of-war rope in your marriage, each side pulling on the other. The roles of partner and lover can cause tension in your marriage, making communication difficult.

But then the role of friend comes along and picks up that rope in the middle and lifts it up. Magically, the partner and the lover come closer together.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

Practice the “Clean Ask” formula.

Use this formula to guide your marriage communication

When you approach your relationships requests with this formula in mind, you remember that fear might keep your request vague and hard for your spouse to hear. Stating your fear clearly, liberates you to state your desire clearly as well.

Additionally, when this clean ask formula is in your mind, you’ll remember that your spouse might be afraid or feel vulnerable. That sensitivity will help you listen with kinder ears. You’ll get curious instead of frustrated. “Why do you want me to go to the pool with you?” is a question from Sean that would have allowed Heather to recognize she was afraid to get back into swimming.


Relationships Revealed

In this segment I ask for your help. When have you faced a conundrum like Sean and Heather? And how did you find your way to the other side of confusion?

Reach out if you have a relationship revelation you want to share. You can text me at 970-210-4480, or connect with me here. 


Date Night Discussion

  • When have you been scared suddenly? Have you ever had someone leap out at you the way my son scared me in the dark?
  • What allows you to laugh about being scared? Can you laugh right away or does it take time?
  • When is it difficult to laugh about being scared?

Take the discussion deeper

When you get scared, how do you mask that fear? Hide? Run away? Control?

When you feel controlled, what do you do? Run? Do the opposite? Cave to your spouse’s way, then resent them later.

Clarity about these feelings will help. Here’s a deeper dive into the Clean Ask Formula. This will help you in your marriage communication so that fear becomes transparent—instead of it masking as control or hiding.

When you’re scared, whether you run like Sean, or control like Heather, this article will help you understand your spouse’s fears as well as your own.


Right now the thing that’s scaring me the most is the final season of Better Call Saul. Have you seen it?

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