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Do you and your partner have the same fight over and over?

Relationship conflict devolves into a predictable rhythm. Identify the rhythm and you can find your way out.

In this episode we’ll talk about how to own the pleasure you want to feel

  • Why it’s critical to your relationship that you become responsible for your own orgasm
  • You’ll get two habits to practice to help you identify what brings you pleasure
  • And I’ll offer you a quick-paced date night discussion that will make you laugh about having different desires


Stories to help you own your orgasm

Do you remember Rose in the movie The Titanic? She knew precisely, exactly, definitively what she wanted when she said, “Put your hands on me, Jack. “Here’s a link to the video clip of Rose owning her desire.

You’ll also hear a story about a bath. My client used the bathtub as a learning ground to feel pleasure with her husband.

You’ll understand the two elements of owning your orgasm: wanting and receiving.

Habit for Your Happily Ever After

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to notice your desire.

Just like my client in the bathtub, you’re gonna practice noticing what you want. You’re not gonna leap straight into bed with your orgasm. You’re gonna test the waters where the stakes aren’t so high.

Notice how you handle confusion about what you want.

Notice how you respond to all those herd pressures that tell you what you should want.


First confusion.

Think of a time that you felt like my client in the bathtub, soaking in your own confusing soup of conflicting desires. Bring your body into that memory-moment. Notice where that confusion is located in your body.

  1. Is your head hurting or spinning?
  2. Is your throat tight or sore?
  3. Is your stomach churning or heavy?

Where do you feel this confusion in your body?

Now, place your hand on this part of your body and take three DEEP breaths.

Then, bring your attention to a sensual pleasure. My client used the temperature of the water—dialing down the heat each time she tuned into her desire. But perhaps for you it is the weight of the blanket on your lap and you’re noticing the position that is most comfortable for you. Legs crossed or uncrossed. Blanket pulled up to your nose or only just covering your legs.

You will know you’re experimenting with a sensual pleasure if one or more of these 4 senses are engaged: touch, sight, sound, or smell, I don’t use taste to wake you up to your desire, because anything you ingest can change your bio-chemistry and add to confusion.


Adjust and notice if you like it better or not. Adjust again. And notice again. Keep adjusting until you feel your body say, YES. This is just what I wanted.

Then notice how the weight of the confusion has lifted ever so slightly or perhaps the entire weight is gone.

This is called sensual engagement. You’re interacting with the physical world with your physical body to calm your mental state. The more you do this, the more ownership you have of your own orgasmic pleasure.


What sensual pleasure helped you notice your desire? Tell me about your process. Text me at 970-210-4480.


Next: Distinguish your desire from the desires of “the herd”

As you continue to experiment with sensual engagement, notice how your specific desire is different from the herd.

Allow yourself to notice your preferences and practice by substituting “I want…” instead of what do WE want?

Instead of “We like spicy food…” allow yourself to notice, “Actually, I like a tamer taste.” You don’t need to change your menu right now. Simply notice how your desire differs from your sweetheart.

Instead of “What do we wanna watch tonight…” allow yourself to notice, “Actually, I want to watch…” You don’t need to change the program. Simply notice how your desire differs from your sweetheart.


It often helps to practice this phrase, “Actually, I want…” when you are alone. Then you can choose to voice it aloud or not depending on how much it matters to you.

Many of my clients think that they need to want the same thing as their sweetheart in order to feel pleasure together. But I’ve watched couples light up their adventure lives and their sex lives when each person is truest to their personal desires.

Staying true to your personal desire brings vitality and energy to your relationship.

Relationship Date Night Discussion

This week take turns announcing differing desires. Make it light and easy and fun. Practicing hearing how your sweethearts desire differs from your sweetheart’s. Wanting different things keeps life fun and exciting.

Condiments: I like ketchup. I like horseradish.

Seasons: I like winter. I like summer.

Clothing: I like layers. I like basketball shorts.

Exercise: I like running. I like tennis.

Movies: I like rom coms. I like sci-fi.

Cars: I like trucks. I like electric vehicles.


Play around with categories. Toss this out as a fun habit when you’re making dinner. I like noodles. I like sauce. Have fun preferring different things, while you keep announcing what pleases you and you will get better and better at noticing what precisely, exactly, definitively lights you up.

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