Get ready to get your date nights onto the calendar.
This podcast will walk you through choosing date nights for each of the three roles inside your relationship: Partner, Friend, and Lover. Then you’ll have a fun time making a game out of getting them onto the calendar.
Stop and start the podcast so you and your spouse can get your date night calendar created.
First, the Friend date night
When you plan an activity that nourishes the Friend in your marriage, you’ll focus on two things the Friend does best: talking and listening.
What’s great about nourishing the Friend roles in your relationship is that you feel more connected. When you understand your spouse’s motivations, dreams, and desires, you naturally grow compassion for them. And compassion helps you to weather the storms that life will inevitably throw at you.
What promotes conversation for you? Do you talk/listen best when…
- Both of you are looking forward? Some people find it easier to talk when no one is looking right at them.
- Or do you talk/listen best when looking into each other’s faces? Some people find it easier to talk when they have eye contact.
If looking forward helps you to talk or listen…
- You’ll want to choose a date night that involves movement: a drive, a walk, or some other movement that helps you travel in the same direction.
- Or you could choose a date night that includes making something with your hands: cooking, gazing at a lovely sunset, or sanding your house before you paint it (but if you choose a project, agree that the project is a catalyst for conversation not completion).
If looking into each other’s eyes helps you talk/listen…
- Choose a date night that sets you across from each other: a meal, or a fire pit.
- Choose a date night that connects your bodies as you face each other: feet in each other’s lap for foot rubs.
Try this: Chat with your spouse about the best date nights for The Friend in your relationship
- What kind of gaze best helps you to talk? How about listen?
- What dates are best for your relationship if you need to talk? How about if it’s time for you to listen?
- What’s your favorite cozy and comfy date?
Next, the Partner date night
When you plan an activity that nourishes the Partnership in your marriage, you’ll take turns with the two things the Partner does best: lead and follow.
What’s great about nourishing the Partnership roles in your relationship is that you get to share a sense of accomplishment. When you achieve alongside your spouse, pride of completion unites the two of you as teammates.
What promotes achievement for you? Do you prefer to lead or follow?
- Are you the one with ideas, but you need help to bring them across the finish line?
- Or do you prefer to implement someone else’s vision? Do you enjoy the satisfaction of a shared task and you find joy in contributing to your spouse’s dream?
- Maybe it depends on the activity, right? When we re-threaded the cords that hold our raft together, David was a better leader and I implemented. When we’re planning a week’s worth of meals, I’m a better leader because I do most of the cooking, but I want help generating ideas.
If you enjoy leading…
- Choose a date night activity that inspires you. Ask your partner to join you by giving a clear invitation. Create a vision of how this project will improve your lives and tell your partner why you value them as a teammate in this endeavor.
- Embrace your role as leader while your date unfolds: Appreciate your spouse by mentioning specific skills or an attitude. It helped me when David said, “Oh, you’re folding the webbing over before you put it through the next gromet. That’s a great idea.” Then Be the happiness you want to feel and your spouse will follow your lead.
If you prefer to follow…
- Listen for cues that describe the date night project your partner has in mind. Draw your partner out by expressing your curiosity or enthusiasm to be a part of the project.
- Embrace your role as follower: Defer to your partner’s leadership by offering respect and curiosity. Be the happiness you want to feel and your partner will feel your support.
Try this: Chat with your spouse about the best date nights for The Partner in your relationship
- How often are you game for a project? When have you overdone it in the past?
- What sort of project do you prefer to lead? To follow?
- What’s your favorite sort of partnership date? Why?
Last, the Lover date night
When you plan an activity that nourishes the Lover role in your marriage, you’ll take turns with the two things the Lover does best: laughter and adventuring.
What’s great about nourishing the Lover roles in your relationship is that your barriers come down, you feel deeply connected because you’ve shared a novel experience.
Date night ideas that connect you to the lover you married
If laughter is more likely to loosen you up…
- Choose a date night that feeds your sense of humor: attend a comedy club, watch the goofy seals at your local aquarium, or scour the news for the oddest human stories.
- Notice how laughter loosens your muscles as well as your brain. Noticing these delicious effects will increase your willingness to loosen more, and laughter will come more frequently. When you share a laugh with your spouse, a flood of hormones will bond you tighter.
If adventure is more likely to loosen you up…
- Choose a date night that ignites your physical body by raising your heart rate or a date night that sparks your imagination with a mystery you and your spouse can solve.
- Embrace the sensual pleasure your body gets as you sweat. Embrace the thrill you have when your brain engages in deep thought.
- Notice how adventure increases your confidence and confidence is directly connected to your sexual desire.
Try this: Chat with your spouse about the best date nights for The Lover in your relationship
- Are you more likely to loosen up with laughter or an adventure?
- What sorts of things are most likely to make you laugh? What adventures most appeal to you?
- What’s your favorite sort of Lover date? Why?
Get your date nights onto the calendar
Write down your dates. I just did scraps of paper this year, but in past years I’ve been very fancy and wrote the dates on paper hearts. The key is that each date has its own piece of paper.
Spread all the dates out so you can see them all.
Then, on separate scraps of paper or paper hearts or on a real calendar, create a timeline. Because David and I are used to doing this we have 12 months represented. But for you, it might be 3 weeks. Just choose the time frame that is helpful for you and that accommodates the number of dates you have.
OK. You’ve got the timeline and you’ve got the dates night activities. Now take turns choosing the dates and putting them into the timeline.
Try this: Spread your date night papers out and take turns choosing
As you choose each date, place it into your calendar so you know it has the space to become a reality.
OK! I hope you have as much fun with this date-night-batch-kit as I do. I hope it allows you to fit some exciting dates into your life that would otherwise linger in the “oh-that-would-be-fun-someday” category. And I really hope this gives you what you needed to avoid the date night dulldrums of “Whatch wanna do?” “I dunno, whatchoo wanna do?”
Would you rather read a transcript of this episode? Click here.
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