How to Have an Annual Marriage Check-In

Why does your marriage need a check-in at all, let alone an annual review?

I’m a firm believer that the tiny, invisible details matter more than the grand gestures. In episode #8 I told you how I transformed my relationship just by noticing how I said hello to my husband.

But I also believe there is huge power in taking the eagle-view and looking at the total landscape of your relationship. That’s what we’ll do today. It’s a marriage check-in.

I’m gonna tell you two stories from my marriage: the first story is about the season of sacrifice when my husband went to medical school. The second story is about the season of transition between when our children flew the coop and when we truly embraced our freedom as “just a couple” again.

You’ll hear how we navigated the second phase with much more ease because we learned so many skills during the first season that tested our marriage.

 

The purpose of an annual marriage check-in is to look at the biggest picture of your marriage

This allows you to examine the question what communication skills do I need to learn in order to help my marriage?

Take the annual review at work as an example. You clarify your goals for the year. Then you notice what you’ll need to accomplish those goals.

• What education will you need?
• How will you measure your progress?
• What will you need to give to yourself so that you’ll be able to accomplish the goal?

It’s a great practice that sets you up for success, right?

Marriage is different in that it doesn’t break down into tidy, accomplishable goals. But that doesn’t mean it won’t benefit from examination: a marriage check-in.

And, because your marriage probably matters to you even more than your work life, doesn’t it make sense to offer your marriage the same thoughtfulness and big-picture planning?

My first story demonstrates how life can be messy and, therefore, stress a marriage.

A season of sacrifice “For better and for worse”

When my husband, David, decided to go to medical school and I decided I’d like to support him in that decision, but we didn’t know what would be better for our marriage, and what would end up being worse.

We thought we were trying to better our lives. David was getting bored as a carpenter, and we didn’t want him to be bored the rest of his work life. Plus, a doctor’s salary sounded good.

We didn’t know the circumstances of his education would be worse for our communication as a married couple. David was so consumed with his education, he didn’t have time/energy to devote to communication. And I didn’t know how much the death of 3 of our relatives would drain my tank to initiated communication. There were communication styles revealed in our dispositions that we didn’t know how to navigate.

 

Difficulties arise when you process things differently than your partner

David processed difficult things INTERNALLY. That meant that, when he was stressed at school, he never said anything out loud. I took his distance personally. Because he felt far away, I told myself he didn’t love me.

On the other hand, I process difficult things EXTERNALLY. That meant that, when I was stressed, I said everything out loud. Even things I didn’t really believe. I’d try those feeling on by speaking them aloud, and that’s how I figured out what wasn’t true. I said things that hurt David and I didn’t know I was hurting him (because he processes difficult things internally, he didn’t show a lot of emotion).

There we were: hurting each other and feeling worse because we didn’t know how to do better.

Life has a way of testing your marriage. Think of this annual marriage check-in as a way to get that eagle-eye perspective on what’s better and what’s worse in your marriage.

 

How to revisit your vows during your annual marriage check-in

Remember that marriage vow you took: “for better or for worse?” It’s a powerful vow. Because at the heart of this vow is a promise to look BEYOND the obvious circumstances to search for the love that will bind you together no matter what.

Love that transcends circumstance? That’s what we all want, right? You want to find that safe place where you are accepted for precisely who you are. And, you want to accept your partner for precisely who they are.

I promise you that this transcendent love is better than any fabulous circumstance your life could serve up.

But this transcendent love—that accepts you precisely as you are—is built by facing difficult circumstances and overcoming them. Together.

 

Sometimes what feels worse in life’s circumstances is actually better for your marriage

This is because facing those worse circumstances together, and then learning from them, makes your marriage—and your communication with your partner—better.

Let’s look at how the worse circumstances of my husband’s schooling and all the deaths we faced were better—in the long run—for our marriage.

I accused David of being far away. I told him he wasn’t loving me well nor was he including me in his life.

Because I was unskilled at communication, he felt accused instead of hearing my pain. Which pushed him further away.

 

You can use your struggles to grow

This is where I wish I could climb back in time and help both of myself as well as you, Reader. Because I know better today:

• Now I know how to own my own feelings rather than making accusations.
• Now I know how to listen way beyond the words that my husband wasn’t speaking.
• And I know how to stay in my own business rather than taking everything personally.

But in those days, when things were worse, I took them personally. I let myself feel alienated from the person who most wanted to love me, and that made him feel rejected and not good enough to earn my love.

I want you to hear how I struggled. How both my husband and I struggled. And how our marriage struggled as a result. I want you to be able to benefit with this annual marriage check-in.

I want you to hear it because I want you to know your struggles are normal. That doesn’t make them fun, and it certainly doesn’t erase them. But I want you to know you can USE your struggles to grow.

And this is the promise of the annual marriage check-in: When you make it your intention to grow with the person who shares your front door and your toilet, you feel a kind of love that surpasses anything else in the entire world. This is the kind of love I want for your marriage.

How I handled another big transition in my marriage

Years and years later in our marriage, when our kids had left the nest, and we were adjusting to new roles in our home—David did more cooking, I dove deeper into my career—we drew upon the lessons that medical school mess had wreaked on our marriage.

All the years that David was in school and I was the primary parent, I took a lot of pride in being the solid emotional base for our children. I will go so far as to say that I largely found my identity in being a good mom.

And then my children left.

With them gone, who was I? Where was my worth?

It was finally my turn to dive deeply into my career. I was teaching more. I wrote a book: 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication.

And when Christmas came and there was an opportunity for me to be MOM again and find all my meaning and purpose in baking and making and welcoming my children home for the holidays, I noticed I was a little tired.

I began to cry.

Now, by this time, I’d learned that it isn’t always helpful to process my messy emotions out loud, at the kitchen counter, for my husband to hear all that mess. But I never hesitate to cry and feel my feelings. Emotions are information.

 

How my marriage communication has changed

David, who had been busy at his computer, got up and came over to me. He hugged me, “What is My Love?” he asked.

“I’ll be OK,” I said.

“I know you’ll be OK,” said my husband, “but how can I help you in this moment?”

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” I said.

He took me by the hand and led me to the couch where we have talked and talked and talked over the years. This couch now held all sorts of conversations that led to clarity and connection. We LEARNED to talk to each other sitting on this couch.

 

Your conversations change when you take the blame out of your communication

“Tell me everything,” he said as he held my feet in his lap.

I started to talk. But I had learned to communicate better. Instead of saying, “You’re not valuing my contributions,” I said, “I feel lost. I feel lonely. I don’t know where my place is.”

Can you hear the difference in these two phrases of our decades-long marriage? I didn’t feel valuable as a mom any longer. That was my identity. It is so tempting, when you feel anything yucky, to want to blame. Many, many times I told David he wasn’t valuing me. The truth was more that I didn’t feel valuable. Can you hear the difference?

Back on our couch, my husband nodded. He rubbed my feet. His eyes said “Tell me more.”

He was now connecting with the kids about plans. The kids were calling him to talk over financial matters.

I felt embarrassed that I was resentful that he was doing the work of details that keep relationships intimate. Work I’d been asking him to do for years. And now he was doing it.

And now I was gonna complain about that?

 

I learned how to talk about what I was feeling instead of accusing my husband

“I feel so petty. You’re doing the things I’ve asked you to do. Things that make you a more connected father and make our family closer. AND. I want to be mad at you because now I don’t know where MY place is in our family.”

Can you hear how I’d learned to communicate better? Instead of accusations, I talked about how I felt.

My husband had learned to communicate better too. He understood my disposition. He knew that what I needed was just to talk and talk and talk until I found my way to understand my new identity in our family.

Do you know what he learned to do better in our marriage communication? He stayed.

He doesn’t say much. But I feel the presence of his STAYING. He just kept rubbing my feet. He kept listening.

 

My husband learned how to communicate better by STAYING.

I talked. And talked and talked. Occasionally, I would pause to check in with him, “Do you feel like I’m accusing you or blaming you?”

“No. I feel like you’re hurting,” he’d say. I’m tearing up even now remembering this moment when I realized we’d done it! We learned to communicate better.

When he was in school, I could feel that we were aiming at something. He was changing his profession and it felt like we were bettering our situation as a family. This felt like it was “for better…”

But the reality of our communication during that era of our life was worse.

Now, as my kids are launching and living their own lives, the circumstances felt worse. It felt like the best years of our life—the years we got to spend with our children in the house as a family—were over and I felt hollow inside.

But the reality of our marriage was that our communication was better. I felt more seen. More loved.

 

Isn’t this fascinating how “for better and for worse” often come as a package deal?

David faced some tough transitions in our marriage as well. Moments when he felt unmoored.

Because I’d learned that his style was to process internally, I didn’t take it personally when he seemed far away and withdrawn. Instead, I noticed that he was struggling.

When he seemed far away, I’d ask him, “I’d love to talk to you a bit. When would be a good time?”

I let him pick the time so that he was in the right head space. Then, when we sat down on that magical couch that helped us learn to communicate, I said, “I see you hurting. Here’s what I know for sure: I love you. No matter what you decide, no matter how big a change you need to make, I will love you.”

It wasn’t very much to say. But it was everything he needed to hear.

 

How do you tell what’s better and worse in your marriage?

If your partner is one who retreats and goes inward when they struggle, it’s better if you can let them know that’s OK. It’s better if you can let them know you believe in them to find their way out. It’s better if you remind them of your steady presence and love.

When you got married, you took a vow: for better or for worse.

What’s fascinating about marriage is that you never know what is better and what is worse. Sometimes the things that seem better, cause conflict and mess with your style of communication, like our ambition for David to go to medical school.

 

An annual marriage check-in helps you work through what is “for better” and “for worse”

Sometimes the things that seem worse—like how our communication broke down—are the very things that create an opportunity for you to learn and grow and come together. This is the purpose of the annual marriage check-in.

So the purpose of this annual marriage check-in is to take a look at the things that are better and the things that are worse and then to make a plan of action so that no matter what happens in life’s circumstances, you can learn to make all of it better for the love you are growing.

Better for the way you communicate. Better for your happily ever after.

Let’s go through these questions together:

“For better or for worse.” This is a marriage vow most people take. The reason we want to make this promise is that love feels hollow when you only stick around for the good times, right? We want to know we’re safe. That our partner will stick it out with us even when things get tough.

But what does it mean in practice?

 

How is your marriage better?

Let’s take the “for better” part first. This discussion can range from circumstances you want to celebrate—like we got a dog!—to ways you’ve purposely grown together—we have a tender goodbye now almost every day.

People in my practice are reluctant to celebrate the betters. But when you notice what is better and you celebrate it, you’re cementing success into your marriage. This gives you momentum.

What circumstances happened this year that have allowed your life to feel better?

Name the big things and small things. Here’s some examples:

• You got into medical school Hooray!
• We opened an IRA!
• I fixed the kitchen drawer so that it pulls so smoothly!
• We made a point of having a nice date at least 1/month!

How have each of you grown personally?

And how does that personal growth help you understand each other better and better? Here’s some examples:

• We learned to embrace our different ways of processing. I need to talk. My husband needs to be quiet. We both learned to stay with the other person’s style.
• We have taken control of our retirement. Even as young people, we are setting aside a bit of money so we will have a secure future. This feels big!
• We took time to tend to the house we share. Caring for our house together makes it feel more like OUR home.
• We’ve prioritized fun in our relationship and that will keep our love vital.

Finally, how can we let ourselves truly notice that our lives are better?

I ask this question because we have a natural bias toward negativity. We easily notice what’s WRONG, and all that’s going RIGHT disappears from our perceptions. When you take time to savor the “for betters” they get bigger. How can you let yourself notice that your life is better with your partner? Here’s some examples:

• When I ask my husband what he thinks about something we’ve discussed and he responds, “I don’t know,” I will let myself hear, “I need some time to think about that.” This is better because I don’t take his “I don’t know,” as lack of desire to engage with me. I hear that he thinks differently than I do. This is a much better than the story I used to tell myself.
• When I pull out the kitchen drawer and it pulls so smoothly, I’m going to notice and say to myself, “I love how smooth this drawer pulls.” I’ll let myself savor how that tiny kathunk irritation of the old drawer pull is gone. I’ll remind myself that my partner and I are invested in making a home together.
• When I want to spend money to go out to eat and I’m tempted to rob from that part of our budget that funds the IRA, I’ll remind myself that the dinner we would eat out tonight will fade quickly, but the safety net we’re creating for the future will last a lifetime.
• When we go out and have a fun time together, I’ll notice that I love being around my partner. This is an easy thing to forget when facing the bumps of life’s circumstances, so I’ll be grateful that we take time to leave the work behind, and enjoy the play.

Your turn. What is better in your marriage? When you take time to check-in, and truly notice what’s better, you anchor those changes even more securely.

 

How is your marriage worse?

Now let’s take the “for worse” part. This discussion can range from circumstances that are tough—like the migraines you’re getting this year—to the tiny habits you’ve let fade away—we aren’t having a mindful goodbye when one of us leaves the house.

What circumstances happened this year that make your life feel worse?

Name the big things and small things. Here’s some examples:

• Because my husband was so busy during medical school, we didn’t have as much time to talk.
  I lost my job, so our financial lives have been much worse. Things feels stressful as a result.
• We didn’t make the yard a priority this last year and I didn’t get to enjoy the simple pleasures of a home-grown tomato or the sunny flowers smiling at me when I pull into the driveway.
• There was drama in your family-of-origin and that made you tired. Having fun was hard because of this preoccupation.

Name the specific ways you have suffered as a result of those “for worse” circumstances.

Getting super clear about how “for worse” has impacted your marriage allows you to offer yourself compassion as well as see places where you might be able to grow in the future. Here’s some examples:

• Because we didn’t have as much time to talk, our dispositional differences were magnified in a toxic cycle or my word-vomit and my husband’s retreat. We feel estranged. What do we need to understand about each other to help us reconnect? Would marriage counseling help?
• We’ve argued about money. We need some help budgeting and communicating about money. This season of our life has shown us why we need a savings account. We spent freely because we didn’t realize our salaries could change. Now we know that’s naïve. We can search out knowledge to help us navigate this conundrum.
• I missed out on that grounding feeling I get when I am in the garden. I also missed out on the pride I feel when I eat a tomato I’ve grown. What happened? Oh! We took a lot more adventures—bike riding after work and putting out paddleboards into the water. Hmmm. Now I realize there is a choice point here: I can spend more time in the garden, but then will I be sad because my life isn’t as adventure-filled? Suddenly, the garden “for worse” becomes an adventure “for better.” How can I some of each?
• I perseverated about that family drama. It polluted my mood and I wasn’t as patient with you as I want to be. I could seek out a therapist. Or I could have less contact with my family. Or I could appreciate how that drama-dynamic is non-existent in our relationship.

Now it’s your turn. Use the annual marriage check-in to get clear about the “for worse” you’re your year. Clarity is the first step to making improvements.

 

How can we minimize the worse and magnify the better?

I like this question because it puts you and your partner onto the same team. Instead of your “for worse” driving you apart. You invite your “for worse” to be a uniting force to draw the two of you together.

Let’s look at some examples:

• I could say to my husband, “Would you be willing to just stay and listen as I process?” Or, my husband could say, “Would you allow me time to process on my own and not take it personally?”
• Would you be willing to help me in the garden 1 evening a week and for 2 hours on the weekends so I don’t have to choose between adventures and tomatoes?
• Would you be willing to read this budgeting book with me and follow the recommended program so our financial lives improve?
• Would you be willing to take turns making date-night happen, that way, at least half of our dates, I just get to ride on your happy momentum?

Notice how each of these bettering strategies are a clean ask. There is clarity in each of these questions.

This clarity allows you and your partner to have a real discussion with action-oriented ideas that launch you into the year ahead.

Now it’s your turn. How can you and your partner make what was worse this year better in the year to come?

Here’s an example:

David and I learned to take our different dispositions into account when we face problems. I need to talk. He needs to be quiet.

How can we welcome our differences and each get what we need?

The eagle-view answer? Be present. Stay.

I think this is the heart of the vow: for better or for worse. When you made that promise to your partner, you were promising to STAY no matter life’s circumstances.

This promise is the heart of unconditional love.

We are biologically programmed to need this kind of love. Our ancestors—who were afraid of being eaten by the saber-toothed tiger—needed a community to keep watch. Belonging to a tribe literally meant you lived longer.

But beyond biology, it just feels AMAZING to be loved with this unconditional I-promise-to-STAY-no-matter-what energy.

I learned to stay in my own business when David retreated into his own head to process and ponder.

David learned to stay present and listen to me as I spun out.

What about you? In what way can you harness the power of STAYING present in your relationship?

• Do you tend to spin out like me? If so, how can your partner offer you the power of gravity to bring you safely back to earth?
• Do you need to retreat to feel your feelings? If so, how can your partner offer you the space to do that?
• When have you felt the power of STAY-energy most profoundly in your relationship? What clues can you take from that memory to bring that same STAY-energy more deeply into your marriage?

How will your marriage change over the course of this year when you cultivate the energy to stay present, for better or for worse?

How about you?

As always, I love to be included in your marriage. Text me at 970-210-4480 and tell me what aha’s you had about for better or for worse. Let me know how you plan to plant the gravity of stay-energy into your marriage this year.