How to Make a New Friend as an Adult

Why did it seem so easy to make friends in kindergarten? And how do you make a new friend now that you’re an adult?

Do you remember being in kindergarten when you could walk up to someone and say, “Will you be my friend?” Well, my mother used food to say the same thing to her neighbors, “Welcome. I see you. I’m here, just down the street.”

She was part of a generation who took casseroles to someone who just moved in. Or to the home where someone was born or someone died.

I remember baking bread with my mother when I was a little girl. The smell of the anise in the rye bread dough is one of the most comforting smells I can imagine.

It was a magic trick to look in the oven where my mother would proof the bread and see that dough rising, rising, rising. Finally, it was time to bring the bowl of dough out of the oven and my mother let me shake the bowl and marvel as all the air escaped and the dough collapsed on itself.

My job was to sprinkle out the flour as she kneaded the bread. Folding, stretching, pushing, then folding again, I’d watch as that thirsty dough ate up more and more of my sprinkled flour. My mother invited me to help.

When the loaves of bread came out of the oven and she turned them out onto the cooling racks, I was again invited to help. My mother gave me a stick of butter and showed me how to rub the butter over the top of each loaf. I painted the crusty brown tops with my stick of butter to make them shine.

Finally, we wrapped those golden loaves into a tea-towel and I walked beside my mother as she made her way around the neighborhood. I got to ring each doorbell and watch the faces of our neighbors brighten as my mother handed over the loaf.

They could smell the kindergarten message, as the loaf was passed from my mother’s hands to theirs. Yes, they said with their welcoming hands. I’d like to be your friend.

 

Why does it feel hard to make a friend as an adult?

It seems harder these days to deliver that loaf of invitation. I have clients that come into my office who feel … it’s not quite lonely…more like mystified. So I voice the question they don’t know how to ask, “It’s hard to know how to make friends when you’re a grown up, isn’t it?”

“Yes!” they say with a look of relief on their face because I’ve spoken their insecurity aloud.

In kindergarten it was easy. Certainly easier. First of all, children that age haven’t yet faced rejection, so they aren’t scared to simply speak their mind, “Want to be my friend?” Secondly, there were a whole bunch of kids and there was recess. There was a designated time to play with a friend and a host of friends to choose from.

Now that you’re an adult, it feels like there’s never time. And where—WHERE—do I find that pool of people waiting to play?

 

How fear keeps you from connection

Almost everyone is looking for a new friend. New friends add spice to our lives, and they help us feel like we belong.

But something happened to you, if not in kindergarten, maybe later: when you asked that vulnerable question, “Want to be my friend?” you got rejected. You’d never had that happen before and suddenly you realized asking such a straightforward question could be scary!

So, your Inner Lizard jumps in and tries to keep you safe…by never opening your mouth again! Or never risking that pain. In elementary school I used to ask teachers if I could help them with anything during recess because I was so lonely and afraid of the pain of rejection from my classmates.

Then, one day, my sweet mother—the woman who baked bread and rang doorbells—challenged my thinking. “Sweetie, have you ever wondered if any of your classmates also feel scared to go to recess? That maybe they feel lonely and scared too?”

It was a genius move on my mother’s part. That was the day I decided I could help. I could help eradicate loneliness in my classmates, and I’ve been doing it ever since.

Rather than worry about how I’m feeling, I wonder about how others are feeling. This little mind shift could help you to feel less lonely. Because, instead of worrying about your own loneliness, your concern is for the people around you.

An essential mindset shift to make a new friend

I went to a lunch recently that was organized to help us come together as a community. However, it was a room filled with strangers as I walked in.

Of course my Inner Lizard had messages running across the tickertape of my brain. Messages like, “Nobody is interested in what you do,” or “Everybody here seems to know someone already and you’re the ONLY one who is left out.”

That Inner Lizard just wants to be seen. So I talked to myself like the frightened child it is, “I know you’re scared, Little Becky.” Then I reminded myself of my mother’s message: you can help. Suddenly I saw the whole room differently. I saw clusters of people who were awkwardly trying to make conversation.

Conversation is a skill. A skill that needs learning, and a skill that needs practice. When you have a couple go-to questions, it can work magic.

Here’s a couple of my favorites:

• “What inspired you to come here today?”
• “What’s the best thing in your life right now?”
• “Now that summer is coming, what are you looking forward to?”

When you give yourself a few questions, you don’t feel helpless. You arrive at the conversation with something to say. You get to become the helper: the one who helps OTHER people feel at ease. You’re doing them a favor by helping them to belong rather than wonder what to say.

But even if you know how to get a conversation started, where do you find people to converse with? You’re no longer in school where there are ample people to choose from.

Let’s brainstorm a couple places where you can find people:

• A spiritual community works for many people to find new friends. Church, temple, or synagogue is kind of like school in that there are even formats to facilitate friendship like a coffee hour or a small group for studying a book.
• A gym has lots of people who are purposely going to a place where other people gather. Especially if you take a class. You’ll bump into the same people over and over.
• A volunteer project is a place to overlap with new people and you already share a value: the trail you want to upgrade or the issue that tugs at your heart like human trafficking.
• A sports team like summer softball or a disc golf league is a way to sign up and start playing right away. The activity alleviates those initial nerves, then, as you play, moments for conversation will open up.
• Your local library is offering all kinds of talks and gatherings from a knitting circle to a lecture series.

OK. You’re putting yourself around other people. Now. How do you break the ice to have that kindergarten moment? “Wanna be my friend?”

Keep your mindset shift awareness fresh: your friendliness can help someone else. Then simply give yourself the goal that you’ll offer one—one is enough—conversation starter. Pull from my questions or come up with your own list. But don’t expect yourself to come up with something on the spot.

Then, when there’s a pause—after the worship service, between baskets on the disc course, or as your knitting and purling—toss one of your questions out to the person sitting next to you.

Here’s an example:

What does that mean “find a way to take advantage of that situation?”

If you think about making friends as a skill, then you’ll give yourself TIME to hone that skill. Just engaging with one question might be as much as you can handle. Congratulate yourself and notice how you’re widening your community by engaging in that way.

You might feel ready to do more to take advantage of the situation, though. As you share the day with others working on the trail you love to run on, you might realize it’s easy to talk to a particular person.

Trust your heart. What you want also wants you.

If you’ve enjoyed someone, that person is also probably enjoying you.

Again, channel my mother who says, help that person. That person feels like they’re on the verge of making a new friend, but they don’t know quite how to take the next step. So, make it easy for them. Invite them to something.

Here’s a couple choices:

• “Hey, I really enjoyed working on the trails with you today, are you gonna volunteer again next month?” This is nice because it plants a seed: I’ll be looking for you next time.
• Or: “I always love my workout more when you’re in class. What other classes do you take at this gym?”
  This might introduce you to other offerings, while at the same time, you’re planting a friendship seed.
• Or: “My partner and I love the coffee house at 6th and Main. We’re gonna grab a coffee there after we finish up. Would you like to join us?”
  This helps you take the friendship outside of the environment where you met.

What if these choices feel too bold to you? You can still accept my second habit invitation to do something to take advantage of being in a situation with potential new friends. Here’s the most powerful thing you can do to build your friendship skills:

• Smile. When you smile and look a new person in the eye, you’re sending a friendship message; I see you.

OK. So, where might you go to find a potential new friend?
And what feels most comfortable for you to take advantage of that situation?

Notice what feels just a smidgen outside your comfort zone. If you stretch too much and there’s no reciprocity, you’ll feel alienated. That’s a horrible feeling. So take a small step so that you’ll be likely to take another small step next week.

Before you know it, you’ll feel a friendliness creeping into your daily and weekly routine.

Why is this so important?

There’s a side benefit from these conversations. One day, maybe even years from now, when you’re feeling a little off, your partner may be able to remind you: Remember that book club you were a part of? I know you really enjoyed discussing ideas with friends, and that seems to be missing from your life right now.

When you talk with your partner about what friendships bring to your life, you know each other better. You can be there to remind each other of your needs.

Maybe additionally you and your partner want to talk about friends that you share. Who do you both enjoy? How could you deepen your friendship with those people? How does your friendship with them serve your relationship as a couple?

Many of the people I see in my practice put undue pressure on their relationship because they expect their partner to fulfill all their friendship needs. That’s unrealistic. You and your partner need different things in life. So, make space for each of you to have your own friends.