How to Plan During Your Marriage Meeting

You’re ready to have a marriage meeting

Remember last week when we discussed why and how a marriage meeting can help your relationship? Today I’ll walk you through a typical marriage meeting to help you prepare for yours:

• I’ll explain the Plan-Do-Review template that will help you navigate the nitty gritty details that, if untended, cause conflict
• Then you’ll see why discussing a Plan at the beginning of the week fends off conflicts before they have a chance to grow
• And you’ll get true to life examples you can borrow

 

What will you discuss in your marriage meeting?

Let’s take 3 typical examples of life’s details and break them down:

1. Meal planning
2. Extended family coming for a visit
3. How do we stay within our budget?

Getting your marriage meeting up and truly running is a process, OK? Be patient with yourselves.

Last week we talked about why a marriage meeting is so important for your relationship, and how you can invite your partner into this habit.

That’s episode number 65. I recommend you keep it REALLY simple in the beginning.

Maybe just have the goal of planning your meals for the week. What if you ACTUALLY were able to solve that conundrum? Huge, right?

 

Take it one step at a time

If you’re new to the idea of a marriage meeting, keep it simple so you can create momentum. Momentum is a powerful thing! Celebrating your momentum is crucial.

Then, when you’ve had some success, and truly celebrated that success, add on. That’s what today’s episode is about.

If your partner feels like they make a huge effort and you just quickly say, “OK, and now let’s add on!” They’ll feel like they can never please you.

Have I made the point that going slow and finding momentum is crucial? Have you heard me say noticing all that’s going RIGHT in your relationship is really important?

Good deal. Now, that you’ve got the basic idea and practice of a marriage meeting, let’s tackle three topics at the same marriage meeting, because this is where real transformation takes place.

Let’s focus on the Plan aspect of your marriage meeting

In my book I talk about the idea in your marriage meeting of Plan-Do-Review.

Today, we’re focusing on the power of The Plan. Next week we’ll hone in on the power of The Review.

While it’s really important to be able to keep some of your conversations focused and straightforward, the truth of life is that it’s chaotic and messy, right? This is why the marriage meeting can make such a difference in your relationship.

The real magic of the marriage meeting is when you can sit together to take into account a plan for 3 things that all want to happen, but they might be difficult to achieve simultaneously.

You’re making a PLAN to deal with the messiness of things that don’t naturally fit together.

 

Here’s what we’ll go over now:

Our job today is to create enough reasons to sit with your partner to make a plan even knowing that plan might go a little awry.

We’ll take on 3 topics—meal planning for the week, relatives coming to visit, and sticking to a budget.

I’ll assume you and your partner have carved out a dedicated space to chat. If you need help creating this moment, listen to last week’s podcast episode #65.

 

Set yourself up for success

Before you start to discuss, set your space up for relationship-success:

• Your phones are off
• Neither you, nor your partner is trying to multi-task
• If you have kids, they’re busy watching their favorite show or you’ve farmed them out to friends
• It’s just you and your sweetheart for the next 30 minutes: face to face, maybe a cup of coffee—or your favorite beverage—in hand

Marriage Meeting Topic #1: The Meal Plan

The key question if you and your partner are trying to avoid conflict about meals, is “Can we talk about food for the week so we’re not just thinking about food when we’re already hungry?”

Let’s take a hypothetical couple, Tyler and Alia.

Alia grew up in a home where the family gathered at the dinner table most nights. And her parents took turns making a hot breakfast in the mornings.

Tyler, however, grew up in a home where the family never ate together. Or they ate while watching television. He learned to pour the milk on his cereal before he learned to talk.

This couple has really different expectations about shared meals. So, this conversation might take them some time to find their own, unique, rhythm. This is an ever-evolving conversation that will change over years.

 

How to start a conversation about the meal plan

Let’s start with basic questions so we know what kind of meal plan they need:

• Which meals do we want to share in the course of a week?
• How much shared cooking do we want to do?

You might realize you and your partner have very different expectations when it comes to shared meals. This is good to notice.

 

Here’s an example

Rather than trying to create an entire lifestyle, Tyler and Alia will just think about this week. 1 week at a time keeps it manageable.

When they look at their schedule to answer the questions:

• Which meals do we want to share?
• How can we share cooking?

They notice:

• Tyler works late 2 evenings
• Alia takes a dance class 1 night
• And Tyler’s sister is coming to town for the weekend.

So, they agree to eat dinner together Tuesday and Thursday. They don’t see each other much, so they agree to make the meals together, using that cooking time as connection time to talk about their days.

 

Expectations: tortillas, veggies, and what will you share?

Since they’re already talking about meals at the marriage meeting, they decide to make a grocery list right then. And Alia offers to go grocery shopping because she enjoys that chore.

What will they eat those three nights they’re apart? Not to mention breakfast foods and snackable items that can be eaten during the day?

While they’re making the grocery list, Alia asks Tyler what he ate growing up. “There was always just stuff in the fridge. Cheese, tortillas, deli meat. Ya know, stuff ya can eat cold, or warm up in the microwave.”

Nutrition is a high value for Alia. She is critical of the junk-food-lifestyle that Tyler defaults to if she doesn’t take energy to cook a meal.

She has often felt like Tyler expects her to be the chef, and if she doesn’t have something prepared for him, he eats terrible.

Previously, she vacillated between feeling guilty she didn’t cook more or resentment that Tyler ate pure junk if she didn’t cook. She imagined he had expectations of her to be the cook. But this conversation is helping her see Tyler’s food habits came from childhood.

“What if we spent some time chopping veggies so those were as easy to grab as cheese and tortillas?” she asks Tyler.

“That’d be great,” he says.

The marriage meeting is already helping their relationship because Alia is seeing that Tyler just has no expectations about eating healthy. He eats what he can grab. She wants to make it part of their lifestyle to have better food easily accessible.

 

The Planning phase of the Marriage Meeting is already helping their relationship:

• Alia is understanding Tyler better
• Tyler is happy to participate in meal prep; it just is a brand new skill for him, so he needs time to learn
• They’re talking about foods to share, and foods to have on hand so it’s easier to eat healthily on the go

Wow! That’s a lot, right? Imagine how their lives will be different a year from now if they’re able to come together about meal preparation just a tiny bit like this each time they sit down to plan for the week?

 

Now it’s your turn

Use Tyler and Alia’s 2 questions to get you started:

• Which meals do you want to share in the course of a week?
• How much shared cooking do you want to do?
• If you’d like, you could also chat about other foods to get at the grocery store and agree about who will do that shopping.

If you’d like a graphic of my list of questions to help you plan meals with your partner, click here.

Marriage Meeting Topic #2: Planning for Guests

Next let’s walk through the extended family member who comes for a visit. This is the second topic for Tyler and Alia’s marriage meeting.

Let’s pretend Tyler told Alia a month ago that his sister is coming for the weekend. Now it’s just about how the weekend might flow.

Here’s some questions Tyler and Alia could discuss to help anticipate moments of struggle so those struggles are avoided in advance.

• How long is the sister staying?
• Where will she sleep?
• What will we feed her?
• What is the expectation for time spent while she’s there?
• Is there an expectation of entertaining her?

 

Here’s how the discussion might go:

Tyler starts the conversation, “Where do you want my sister to sleep?”

“Is the couch OK?” asks Alia

“I was hoping to make it nicer for her,” says Tyler.

“Nicer how?”

“Ya know,” says Tyler. “I want her to have a bed. I want her to feel like we actually made a place for her so she feels welcomed. She is my sister after all.”

“I work at home. It’s my job, Tyler. Are you expecting me to give up my office?” Can you hear the irritation in Alia’s voice?

 

We all have hidden expectations

Not that Tyler is intentionally hiding his expectation. He feels like he’s asking cleanly for what he wants: He wants to make his sister feel welcomed. He’s not exactly sure how to do that.

Alia hears his confusion. His searching. And she fills in the blanks. She assumes he’s asking her to give up her office. He isn’t expecting that. But he is aware that her office is their only spare room. He doesn’t really know what he wants, except that he wants his sister to be happy. And he wants Alia to be happy.

Tyler hates confrontation. So, he defers. “I’m not expecting you to give up your office. Not at all! What do you think we should do?” he asks Alia.

“I think we have a perfectly nice couch,” says Alia. And then it’s settled. Tyler’s sister will sleep on the couch.

 

A pivot to avoid confrontation

That conversation felt difficult for Tyler, so he pivots, “I thought we could take her to The Bin while she’s here.” Tyler wants to please Alia, and he knows this is her favorite restaurant. He hopes this idea feels like a party to her so the three of them can celebrate this fun time together. Tyler wants Alia to enjoy his sister because she means so much to him.

“The Bin!” says Alia, “We can’t afford to take her to The Bin!” The Bin is a nice restaurant in Grand Junction where I live, but it is on the pricier side of things.

Now Tyler is scared. He thought he was doing the RIGHT thing issuing this invite. But Alia seems more upset.

 

This is why The Plan is so important

Let’s pause the scene at Tyler and Alia’s house. The reason for The Plan phase of Plan*Do*Review is so that you can hear everyone’s hidden expectations, hopes, and dreams for the life that’s about to unfold in the coming week.

Can you feel what’s happening at this house? Tyler is getting scared. Alia is getting incensed. They’re struggling. And they’re about to have a fight.

 

Remember that conflict is an opportunity to get curious

Tyler wants to say, “Don’t you want my sister to come visit?” And Alia wants to say, “As soon as anyone in your family comes, all our agreements are tossed out the window just so you can make them happy.”

But let’s remember what we learned in episode 64 about science and conflict. Remember how scientists need conflict to help them look for where more research is needed? Conflict is a signal to scientists that there is more to learn.

This moment is a chance for Alia and Tyler to take a deep breath. To focus on their love for each other. Then to get curious. Like scientists. They want to look for that magical place where they overlap and can come together.

Of course my hypothetical couple listens to my podcast all the time so Tyler and Alia are familiar with this idea to get curious when conflict is on the horizon.

 

Let’s finish the conversation

Tyler starts, “Alia, I love you. You are the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. And I want my life to include my family. What do we need to do so that you feel comfortable having my family be a part of the life we’re building together? What do you need so that you know you are my priority?”

Can you hear how Tyler’s affirming his love for Alia. Then he employs curiosity so they can solve this conundrum together?

Alia takes a deep breath. Tyler puts his hand on her knee.

This is a big moment. Alia was getting upset. But Tyler’s gesture calms her nervous system. She remembers she wants to find a way to blend their lives as well.

She takes his hand and says, “I’m sorry. I was being grumpy. I know your family’s important to you. I just felt displaced.”

Tyler stands up and wraps his arms around Alia, who’s seated at their table. He hugs her cheek into his stomach as he rubs her back. “I don’t want you to feel that way. You are my priority, Alia. And my family is so important to me; I just want you and my sister to be close, that’s all.”

 

There may be something under the surface

Two tears run down Alia’s cheek. She takes another deep breath. She lets herself feel the warmth of Tyler’s body. “I want to be close to your sister,” she says. “But I always feel left out when you’re with her.”

They talk through the time Tyler and his sister spent the whole night laughing so hard their bellies ached. “You have all these private jokes,” she said. “I don’t know how to be part of your conversations.”

Tyler keeps rubbing her back. “That’s true,” he says, “We do have a lot of private jokes. But it’s because we basically raised each other. She’s the reason I am who I am.”

Tyler lets go of Alia and sits back down so he’s looking her straight in the eye, “I understand that it might take you some time to learn all the jokes. But I want you to understand our relationship. Part of understanding me is knowing my sister.”

 

Tyler is asking cleanly for what he needs:

He wants his wife to make room in their life for his sister. Alia gets it, but what she doesn’t completely understand is why she feels so grumpy.

My hunch is that Alia feels jealous. She’s not afraid Tyler’s going to leave her and go live with his sister. Alia just can tell that Tyler is so close to his sister, and that means she doesn’t know where she fits in Tyler’s life. Or in his sister’s life for that matter.

I wish she knew how to say, “Where do I fit?” But she doesn’t know this is her fear. She just knows she feels grumpy.

 

We all have moments like this

I’m basing Tyler and Alia off the many clients who have come through my coaching practice over the years.

We don’t always understand our emotions. That’s why our emotions overwhelm us. We do the best we can with the understanding we have at the moment.

Fortunately for Tyler and Alia, this process: Plan-Do-Review will help them understand each other over time.

If you are going to start having marriage meetings at your house, the emotions might actually get MORE overwhelming at first. This is because you haven’t faced those emotions head on or out loud.

But those emotions have been hiding in the corners of your life, like a spider, who builds a web and, suddenly you feel sticky all over, or worse, caught up in a tangle you don’t understand.

The marriage meeting helps you get things out on the table where you can see everything—especially the emotions that can complicate your relationship when you don’t understand them.

 

The Plan-Do-Review process helps you figure out the best path forward

Tyler and Alia just need to be patient. And they need to do the work of planning and reviewing in between the weeks of their lives when they are doing. This is a process, not a one-time-magical-fix.

At this moment, Alia thinks she’ll feel better by making a PLAN. Alia always feels better with A PLAN. None of us like emotions we don’t understand, so she says, “How about, instead of The Bin, we get Qdoba and take your sister to the park where we can put our paddle boards into the lake?”

Tyler loves this idea and it’s agreed.

Tyler and Alia are ready to move on to their third topic.

 

Now it’s your turn

Here’s a couple questions you can use. Or you can click here to see the graphic to guide you. Here’s the questions for you and your partner to answer:

• How much guest-time can we tolerate?
• Logistics of feeding/housing guests
• Entertainment and other expectations

Marriage Meeting Topic #3: Budgeting

You can have whole marriage meetings about finances, but for this week, let’s keep it high level and specific to the week.

You’ll be amazed how much your financial lives will improve if you just spend 15 minutes a week talking through your financial expectations.

 

How to start the conversation about finances

Here are the key questions Tyler and Alia as themselves for this topic:

• How much can we afford to spend this week?
• How do we need to adjust our purchases in order to stay under that dollar number?

Because this is the first week that Tyler and Alia have asked this question of each other, they don’t really know the answer to this question.

Previously, their conversations about money happen when bills come up. Tyler and Alia have separate bank accounts (something that might change in the future when they begin to review the plan they’re making today). Alia tends to pay the rent. Tyler has a big car payment.

 

What happens when you don’t have a designated space to talk about money?

In the past, Alia will say to Tyler, “I’m going to pay rent tomorrow. Can you Venmo me your half?” Most of the time this is no problem, but occasionally they’ve gotten into arguments because Tyler doesn’t always have the money when Alia asks for the rent payment.

Alia learned to ask for the money ahead of time, but she resents this because she feels like Tyler isn’t taking responsibility. And it bugs her that she always has to ask for it. She wants Tyler to remember, and just give her the money.

But today, they have these two questions. This prompts them to talk about the bills each of them is anticipating for the week.

 

Here’s how the discussion might go:

“I’m happy to go grocery shopping, but could you chip in for the groceries?” she asks Tyler.

“Of course!” he says. “I’ve got my insurance payment, but I should have about $200.”

“Is that $200 before or after you pay for the Qdoba?” she asks.

“Oh. Right. Before.” Then he asks, “Do you think $40 is enough for all of us to eat at Qdoba?”

“Probably,” says Alia, “But that’s why I didn’t want to eat at The Bin. It’s definitely not enough for The Bin.”

Alia says she can handle paying the remainder of the grocery bill so long as Tyler gives her $160 and promises to pay for the Qdoba.

 

The payoff of a marriage meeting

This is the moment that makes Alia and Tyler both happy they’ve had this marriage meeting. They are super proud of themselves for The Plan that averted an argument when Tyler paid for The Bin, but then didn’t have enough money to give Alia his half of the rent payment later in the month.

Already, the marriage meeting is helping these two avoid some conflict. When you can see expenses coming and plan accordingly, you avoid the *too late* syndrome of money that’s needed, but already spent long ago.

 

Now it’s your turn

Use these two basic questions to have your first conversation about money and budgeting:

• How much can we afford to spend this week?
• How do we need to adjust our purchases in order to stay under that dollar number?

Again, if you’d like a graphic to help you, click here.

How about you?

I’d love to know what happened at your Marriage Meeting. Or I’d love to know what topics you’d like to hear me address for a future episode about Marriage Meetings. Text me at 970-210-4480.