How to Receive Better Communication in 3 Steps

How does the power of receiving love increase the intimacy in your relationship?

I wrote a book: 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication. In this book, I talk about the 2 parts of communication: Giving (or speaking) and receiving (or listening).

There are 3 steps that make up the second element of communication, receiving:

• Beware conditions
• Affirm lovingly
• Build boundaries

How do you build a boundary in a romantic relationship?

This is a question I get asked all the time. Many people start coaching with me and the thing they want from our sessions is, “Can you help me build a boundary with my partner?”

Absolutely I can. But it won’t be what you expect.

The good news about building a boundary is that, mostly, you need to work with yourself. This is good news because how YOU behave in the relationship is the only thing you can control.

Most people come into my practice thinking that I’m going to help them control or change their partner. It seems like it would be wonderful if we could control our partner.

(I’ll tell you a little secret: I have a great story in my book about how I realized what it would cost me if I actually COULD control my husband…and I realized how much of my attraction was wrapped up in not being able to control him.)

Setting a strong boundary begins with step 4 of my book, 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication: Beware conditions.

 

Why do you need to beware conditions if you’re setting a boundary?

Conditional love is different from building a boundary. A boundary magnifies love.

When you put conditions on love, you’re giving your partner a prescription for how they can earn your love. If they don’t abide the conditions, you withdraw the love.

A boundary, instead, says, “This is your responsibility. I trust you to handle it.” A boundary liberates your partner to have agency for their own life. A boundary is a promise to your partner that you believe in them to live their own life and take responsibility for all that is in their purview.

Conditions, instead, say, you need to live your life according to my rules. Can you see how tangled up that is?

Boundaries give your partner agency for their own life, and then they CHOOSE you. Conditions restrict your partner and chain them to the rules you have for how love should work. Which kind of love do you think FEELS better?

 

Let’s take an easy example from everyday life

Julie likes the kitchen to be clean at all times. She’s the type of person who, when making toast, gets out a plate. Then, the moment she finishes eating her toast, takes the plate to the sink, rinses it, and puts it in the dishwasher.

Josh, Julie’s husband, is different. He makes his toast as he’s scrolling his phone. He sets his toast on the kitchen counter, and, as he’s making his coffee, he takes some bites, then sets his toast back down on the counter. When his coffee is done, he takes his last bite of toast, grabs his coffee and goes to sit at his computer.

Two different people. Two different styles of breakfast behavior.

The problem arises when Julie sees Josh’s toast crumbs and coffee grounds remaining on the counter. She likes a clean kitchen.

When Julie comes into the kitchen and sees Josh’s toast crumbs, she rolls her eyes. She hollers into the other room, “You’re a pig, Josh,” as she wipes up the crumbs and coffee grounds.

Later, when they’re both in the kitchen at lunch time, Julie gives Josh the cold shoulder. “What’s wrong?” asks Josh, sensing her frustration.

“Nothing,” says Julie, cold as ice. Then she leaves the room.

 

How to identify conditional love in your relationship

Josh is baffled. Julie is upset. This is not a boundary. This is conditional love, and it’s toxic to your relationship. In this example Julie is trying to change Josh’s behavior. She punishes him by withdrawing her love.

A boundary, on the other hand, invites your partner to own the consequences for their behavior. That is different than changing your partner.

Conditions make you the ever-present police officer in charge of whether or not your partner is abiding by the love-laws you’ve established.

How do we help this couple?

 

Affirm lovingly is a crucial step for better communication in your relationship

So far we’ve been talking about steps 4 and 6 of my book: beware conditions and build boundaries. Let’s take a moment to talk about the most powerful step in my whole book: step 5, affirm lovingly.

If you affirm your partner with love, you erase the conditions your partner hears in their own head. Simultaneously, you plant a strong foundation so you can tackle difficult moments when conflict arises.

Marriage is filled with frustrations like the crumbs on the counter. When you share a front door and a toilet with the person you love, you’re gonna run into circumstances where you are both uncomfortable.

 

Noticing what’s right sweetens your relationship

Josh doesn’t care what the house looks like when people come through his front door. He’s quick to offer them a drink and a sit down. Julie, on the other hand, doesn’t even want people in her home unless it’s perfectly clean. These two people have different ideas of what makes a good life.

These differences could tear them apart, or these differences could invite each of them to become a more expansive version of themselves.

Julie could learn to relax and value the people who come into her home rather than being so worried about their perceptions of her. Josh could learn to clean up after his own messes in life in order to minimize his impact on others.

Your natural inclination in life is to notice what’s wrong. This is your negativity bias at work.

It takes effort to notice what’s RIGHT.

 

When you affirm your partner, you LOOK for things that contribute to your relationship

Josh could thank Julie for the tidy house they live in. Julie could borrow from Josh’s casual vibe saying, “I’m lucky to live with you, Josh. You lighten me up. You help me to care about people more than perceptions.”

If, for the rest of your marriage, you only notice what’s wrong, how long do you expect your marriage to last? Your marriage will just become a cesspool of complaints, right? (This is what happens to many people who end up coming into my office. They forgot what they love about their partner because they stopped looking for it.)

 

How to affirm lovingly

In my book I talk about 5 specific strategies for affirming love, but there are countless ways to do it.

• What is the character of your hi and goodbye?
• Do you say thank you?
• Notice your language, especially how you use the word “but”
• Apologize well
• Believe in your person

I addressed the character of your hi and goodbye in episode 8 of my podcast. I talk about how I single-handedly changed the flavor of the evenings my husband and I shared just by changing the first 20 seconds of our interaction.

I offer a bunch of ideas about how to say thank you more often in episode 21.

I have a blog post that addresses the word “but” in your relationship.

And here’s an episode about the 4 steps in a rock-solid apology.

Affirmations lay a strong foundation for when you need to build a boundary. Unlike the kitchen moment when Julie gave Josh the cold shoulder, you plant lots of affirmations so your partner knows you love them.

Then, when it’s time to build a boundary, there is a culture of love, trust, and belief in your relationship.

How better communication helps you build boundaries 

We’ve talked about what a boundary is not: it’s not conditional love. We’ve talked about what lays a solid foundation for a boundary: loving affirmation. Now, let’s talk about building that boundary.

Julie and Josh didn’t have an agreement about the counters and crumbs. You can’t build a boundary until you first have an agreement.

The best way to create an agreement is with a clean ask. We just talked through how to design a clean ask in last week’s episode.

Julie needs to ask Josh cleanly for what she wants: “Josh, I feel better when I have a clean environment. I’d like it if our kitchen was always a clean and inviting place to be. Would you be willing, when you make toast in the morning or coffee, to wipe up the counters before you leave the kitchen?”

How does this compare to the cold shoulder treatment she offered Josh previously? Then said, “Nothing,” when Josh asked what was wrong. What will their relationship look like in 5 years if this is the sort of communication dynamic they practice in their home?

 

What if the clean ask doesn’t work?

Now, the thing is that a clean ask doesn’t always get you what you want. Julie could make this clean ask of Josh and Josh could say, “No. That’s too much trouble. I’d rather just clean the kitchen once a day at the end of the day.”

If Josh refused to agree to Julie’s clean ask, she gets to decide: Is this worth building a boundary? Maybe. Maybe not. Building a boundary takes work and it uses up some emotional capital in your relationship. So, before you build a boundary, make sure this is important to you.

I know it’s unfair, but Julie could decide to wipe up the crumbs herself. There are lots of these sorts of compromises when you live with another person. My husband is always collecting mugs that I leave strewn about the house and bringing them to the kitchen to put in the dishwasher.

Before you build a boundary, ask yourself: is this REALLY WORTH IT? If the answer is yes, then let’s move on to the how of building a boundary.

 

The first step is to have an agreement

This may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised how many times a client comes into my office saying, “I need help having better boundaries,” and then, when I ask them how they want to be treated, they don’t really know. This is normal.

You have a sense life isn’t going the way you want in your relationship, but it takes effort to dig in and truly identify what it is you want to change. That’s OK.

What do you want?

 

Here’s a couple common agreements people make to create better boundaries in relationships

Listen to how clean each ask is. There is a clear yes or no implied request:

1. When you ask me for a “quick” favor while I’m rushing around in the morning getting ready, I feel flustered and distracted. But I want to do favors for you. Could you ask me for favors either the night before or, if you only remember the favor in the morning, could you text me what it is you need from me so I can deal with it once I make it to work on time?
2. I feel close to you when we have some time each day to chat. I want to preserve 15 minutes to eat dinner together. Would you be willing to leave your phone in the other room during that dinner 15 minutes?
3. When you’re upset with me, it throws me off kilter if you suddenly are shouting at me. I want us to be close, and I know that solving conflict is part of an intimate relationship. In the future, if you have something difficult to say to me, could you ask me if now is a good time to discuss that? In turn, I’ll promise that if I don’t have energy in that moment, I’ll propose a better time for me within the next 24 hours.

Do you see how each of these clean asks affirms your desire to be connected to your partner, but they also each put some parameters on how that connection happens?

 

This is only the first step to building a boundary

Most people think this is what building a boundary is. No. This is only the first stage of the boundary building. You’ve made an agreement.

My experience with couples is that 80% of boundaries will get cleaned up with this agreement-stage alone, however. That’s because it takes a lot of work to make a clean ask! So maybe all you need in order to feel like your partner respects your boundaries is a clean ask and a clear agreement.

Can you see how YOU can do that work all by yourself? So why do you resist? Because it’s easier to blame your partner that you’re unhappy, than it is to take the painstaking steps to get clear about what you want. That’s OK. It means you’re human.

Be gentle with yourself. Knowing what you want takes time and self-reflection.

 

The next phase of building a boundary affects your relationship the most

Where most of the conflict comes in when it comes to boundaries is when the agreement that’s made is violated.

You need to get uber clear what it is you want. Then you need to ask for it in a respectful way. That takes mindfulness, and most of us, when we’re irritated by something our partner does, just spout off:

“Stop interrupting me every morning when I’m trying to get out the door!” Yes. You’re naming the behavior you don’t want. But it’s not very kind. It certainly doesn’t consciously affirm the type of relationship you want to have.

This is why an agreement is so powerful. It gives agency to your partner. It’s filled with kindness and respect. Most of all, there is the magic of clarity when you make a clean ask for exactly, precisely, specifically what it is you want.

 

What do these aspects of building a boundary look like?

Let’s go back to Josh and Julie because their conundrum is typical of where a mere agreement isn’t enough.

Julie makes her clean ask, “Could you please wipe up your toast crumbs before leaving the kitchen?”

That seems simple enough. So, Josh says, “Sure. No problem.” He really does want to make Julie happy.

But wiping up toast crumbs isn’t important to Josh, and he forgets.

The next day, Julie finds the crumbs and the coffee grounds on the counter and she gets frustrated. What she does with this frustration, however, will determine how effective the boundary is that she builds.

If she rolls her eyes as she wipes up the mess and shouts down the hall, “You’re a slob,” she’s not building a boundary. She’s sending a mixed signal.

 

A mixed signal is when you ask clearly for what you want

Your partner agrees to your request. Then you violate the agreement. In Julie’s case, she’s violating the agreement when she wipes up the crumbs.

What?! I hear you saying to me. How is Julie violating the agreement when Josh is the one who didn’t adhere to his promise?

I know. This is tricky.

But if Julie really and truly wants Josh to clean up his crumbs, she needs to give him the agency to do so.

 

Here’s what that looks like:

“Hey Josh, could you come here a minute?” When Josh walks into the kitchen, she can point to the crumbs, “Remember? You promised to clean up after your toast?”

Then, and this is the CRITICAL part of building a boundary, Julie needs to come to a FULL STOP.

She’s tempted to say something like, “Doesn’t seem that hard to remember,” or “How are you gonna remember this every day?” No.

Full. Stop.

 

Why the full stop is so important for your relationship

Once you have an agreement then the really difficult part about building a boundary is trusting your partner to follow through.

But Josh DIDN’T follow through! You’re saying to me.

I know. Cleaning up crumbs isn’t important to Josh. So, he’s bound to forget. Again and again.

But, if every day for a week, Julie asks Josh to return to the kitchen to clean up his crumbs, and then she LETS him clean up his crumbs without shaming him, 99% chance that Josh will become a crumb-cleaner within a week or two.

You’re saying to me, that’s a lot of work! Yes! I know! That’s why I recommend that you save your boundary building for things that matter. Truly matter.

 

When is is it worth it for you to build a boundary?

Here’s a list of things I would guess it’s worth it to go to the mattresses about:

• The style of your conflict: “Don’t yell.” “Ask if this is a good time for me.”
• Connection points: “I’d really like it if the first words we say to each other each day are kind.”
• Safety: “Please don’t drive in a blizzard.”

Don’t waste the emotional capital of your relationship on building a boundary about things that don’t matter. I had a great conversation about this with my friend and fellow coach, Allison Evans. She had a thing about glasses left around the house. She talks about how she solved it in a fun way that didn’t require lots of emotional baggage.

 

Most of the time you won’t need a boundary

If you get super clear about what it is you want, and learn to ask for it in a kind and clean way, you’ll clear up 80% of the battles for which you think you need a boundary.

For the remaining 20%, make sure you don’t send mixed signals. We talked about sending mixed signals in episode 33 of my podcast.

Then come to a Full Stop.

My hunch is there is only 1% of conflicts that won’t be cleared up with this approach.

For that final 1%, I recommend coaching or therapy. But you’ll go into that therapy so far ahead because you’re clear about what you want, and you’ve practiced giving your partner room to figure out how to own their agency to keep the agreement.

If you’d like to know more about the subtleties of creating boundaries as well as hear how a clean boundary absolutely and completely changed my marriage, I’d love to have you buy my book. It’s available in paper, e-formatting, and audio. I recorded the audio book and I’m tremendously proud of it.

Here’s an example:

When you hear yourself rambling on and on about how overwhelmed you feel by kid care, pause. Do the jumping jacks. This will keep you giggling. This laughter will help keep you loose. Try again.

1. In 1 singular sentence state how you feel about kid care: “I feel overwhelmed.”
2. Now, in 1 singular sentence, state specifically what you want: “I want you to keep the kids occupied so I can concentrate on making dinner.”
3. Now find the yes or no so your partner has agency: “Will you take them completely away from the kitchen during that 30 minutes while I make dinner?”

When you and your partner each articulate an agreement cleanly, notice how your body feels. Ask your partner how their body feels. Talking to each other in a respectful way with clarity and a super clean ask might be new. Notice the difference.

If your partner has agreed with your clean ask, notice how this feels.

What feels different about this age-old argument?

When you celebrate clarity it not only bonds you together, but that good feeling you got GETTING CLEAR, is more likely to become a habit.

Here’s a couple suggestions:

• Listen to this conversation I had with Allison Evans. Seriously, I think she has an amazing take on how our pain comes from resisting the truth of what our partner says. When they say, “No, I don’t want to do that,” notice your resistance. How could you accept your partner as they are?
• Then, how can YOU give YOURSELF the thing you want?
• Or, is there someone else who can give you the thing you want?
• How can you adjust to life with this “No” from your partner? What’s good about your partner saying no?

 

People don’t typically love this invitation from me

They tell me, “Rebecca, isn’t is FAIR that I should expect that of my partner?”

Maybe. Maybe your partner isn’t fair. Maybe your partner doesn’t want to make you happy. These things are possible. And, occasionally the person in my office realizes the truth of their unfair partner.

This is a difficult moment, but if you don’t resist that truth, it’s also the beginning of a different happily ever after for you.

However, most of the time when I suggest your partner is unfair or doesn’t care about your happiness, my client pushes hard against me. “But that isn’t true,” they tell me. “My partner is kind and big-hearted.”

Then I get to ask, “So why might your partner—who is kind and big-hearted—need to say ‘no’ to your request?”

I wish you could be in the room with me when I ask this question. A light comes on. My client suddenly sees their partner’s struggle. Sees how their partner is also overwhelmed, or sad, or frustrated.

 

How better communication lead to your happily ever after

I have the privilege to see deep inside of people’s relationships. This is what I know for sure: Fairness isn’t the ingredient that flavors the happiest marriages.

The deepest intimacy I see is forged by people who learn to negotiate how life isn’t fair, yet they choose each other anyhow. The love that is born in these moments is way, way beyond the butterflies of falling in love.

This is landed love. This is where happily ever after lives.