How to Reconnect with Your Partner When Affection Fades

What’s the impact of small bits of affection on your relationship?

Tenderness can fade when you stop touching each other. Touch flavors the tone of your voice. Soft touch tends to draw you and your partner together. And all that togetherness creates the tenderness you want in your relationship. I like to think of it as the 4 T’s in romance: touch, tone, and togetherness create that fourth T: a tender life.

When affection leaves your relationship on the other hand, you begin to feel like roommates: co-existing.

• You or your partner begins to feel unattractive, which quickly kills confidence
• Small disagreements in your relationship escalate more quickly, and you find you’re fighting about stupid stuff.
• When affection fades, resentment grows because you don’t feel emotionally safe.

The antidote? Kiss. Touch. Hold hands. Flavor your words with a soft tone. Let small bits of affection draw you together.

Without these little gestures of gentleness, you are risking loneliness and alienation inside your own home.

Here’s what works when it comes to affection in your relationship:

• Predictability and consistency
• Tenderness and time (and it doesn’t have to be tons of time if it’s consistent)

Here’s what doesn’t work to create affection in your relationship:

• Neglect and procrastination
• Then love bombing as a replacement for consistency

Why affection matters in your relationship

Let me tell you a story about a couple who struggled with all the normal things that can threaten the tenderness of your affection; thus, straining your relationship.

Robert and Jasmine lived together for 2 years before Jasmine got pregnant and they decided to get married. Their life was filled with adventure and tender affection when they were dating, but once their son, Elijah, was born, they just felt busy with the details of life.

They get along fine. There are no big arguments. But as affection diminished, the tenderness has slowly evaporated. Now they live like roommates, taking turns with the espresso maker, and changing Elijah’s diaper.

Early on, they had a dedicated time to share affection. They used to curl up on the couch to watch a show in the evening. Now they watch in different rooms because Robert prefers sports and Jasmine toggles between politics and decorating shows. When did their preferences for what they watch trump their affection-desires to be together?

Meals are catch as catch can. They don’t eat the same food, so cooking together isn’t important. Robert can skip breakfast and even lunch so long as he gets a big meal in the evening. Jasmine prefers to reverse her calories, eating her biggest meal at the beginning of the day and having her smallest meat at night.

Why do we drift away from our partners?

There wasn’t a particular moment when they began to drift apart in their relationship. If you were to ask them when the affection stopped, they’d simply say that having a baby meant they needed to prioritize sleep and they each felt drained at the end of the day.

Robert wonders why they don’t have sex anymore. It’s been months—maybe even 4—since they last made love. Jasmine, who used to have the larger sexual appetite, feels weird in her body. She’s still nursing Elijah twice a day. If you want to know the truth, her biggest desire is to have time alone, when no one is touching her. Affection just isn’t on her radar.

Jasmine feels guilty for this desire to have no one touching her. And she KNOWS she loves Robert, she just can’t feel it much these days. Occasionally, she’ll wake up determined to make sure Robert knows she loves him. So she draws a big, lipstick heart on the mirror with their initials.

She puts a big bow on a cup of coffee for when he wakes up. Then, as he thanks her for the coffee, she puts her arms around him, “Robert, you are the most important person in my life. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Grand gestures are not always enough

Robert would tell you that these gestures used to feel wonderful. He felt showered in Jasmine’s affection. But after several years, those grand gestures now fall flat because there are so many days in between when he feels like Jasmine hardly recognizes that he’s in the room. Days when there is zero affection.

Jasmine’s over-the-top love bombs can’t make up for the neglect Robert feels. And, rather than helping, they are actually damaging their relationship.

They came to me because, for the first time in their relationship, they’re arguing about chores. “He’s inconsiderate,” Jasmine spits out. “I walk into the bathroom and there’s toothpaste in the sink.”

Robert rolls his eyes as he complains, “I finally have an evening where I have energy to cook, and then I discover the chicken I bought is gone.”

The hidden loneliness in a safe relationship

Resentments like these are common when affection in a relationship wanes.

But when I talk with Robert privately, he confesses to me, “I’m afraid she doesn’t want me anymore. I think the only reason she stays is because we share this kid.”

When I talk with Jasmine privately she says, “I’m scared. I really want Robert in my life, but I just don’t FEEL anything for him the way I used to.”

There is a growing loneliness wallpapered into the background of their home.

When I ask Jasmine, “Do you want to stay in this relationship?” she looks shocked.
“Of course!” she tells me, “Robert is my person.”
“Why is he your person?” I ask. “What is it about Robert that you love?”
“I feel so safe around him,” she tells me. And I watch as her eyes get watery.

How safety can disrupt affection

Safety can threaten the long-term health of your relationship. Isn’t that weird? Why is that?

You feel loved when your partner is chasing you, planting affectionate kisses on you, or sweeping you up in a hug. Or when you’re chasing your partner, right? It’s the pursuit that feels so wonderful. The pursuit is what allows you to notice the affection and love poured your direction. Or the love you’re pouring.

Our relationship is peppered with affectionate gestures when we’re chasing the comfort and safe feeling of belonging.

But there’s no need to chase when you feel already safe.

You chase when you’re pursuing safety. But once you HAVE safety, you no longer need to chase it. Safety is the fastest thing to become invisible in a relationship because it’s not very glamorous.

Safety is quiet. Undramatic. Safety isn’t super sexy. What turns us on is that edgy dramatic moment when we feel a burst of passion or the warmth of “reunited.” That’s why everybody talks about the power of make-up sex.

This couple is actually suffering from the safe container they’ve created. But do they have to create upset, conflict, or drama to keep their love life alive?

No. Absolutely not. Hard no.

 

The power of the 3 T’s in your relationship

I want to save Robert and Jasmine from this slow estrangement in their relationship. And, amazingly, it doesn’t take a lot. They simply need to embrace—whole-heartedly EMBRACE—the safe container they’ve created.

We just need to employ the 3 T’s: touch, tone, and togetherness. These 3 will keep the tenderness alive between them, helping them to appreciate the safety of connection they’ve created.

The first T is touch. Physical affection lowers stress and strengthens bonds. Robert and Jasmine have slowly abandoned those casual touches like a welcome hug or a goodnight kiss. (We’ll talk about the other 2 T’s—tone and togetherness—more specifically in a later episode. I just want you to keep them in mind.)

They didn’t stop hugging because they felt estranged. They became estranged because they stopped hugging.

This is so common! I don’t think I’ve met a couple who didn’t face this hurdle at one time or another. Sometimes it’s a minor blip and one partner wakes up to say, “Hey, I feel far away from you,” then offers a hug of connection.

But frequently, as the hugs, kisses, and casual touches of affection decrease, people don’t notice until they feel this complete dearth and emptiness. Then, they begin to hear a story in their head like Robert’s, “Maybe she doesn’t love me anymore,” or a story like Jasmines, “Maybe I don’t love him anymore.”

 

A simple hug can change everything

The fix is simple. Employ a good morning hug to keep the affection alive in your relationship. At my house it looks like this: If I’m up first, I’m typically at my computer when my husband awakens. He moseys into my writing room and I turn my chair to welcome him. I smile, “Hi Lovey,” I say.

He smiles and says, “Good morning, Wife.”

Then he walks up to where I’m sitting and, although I stay sitting, I wrap my arms around his waist and put my cheek against his belly. He wraps his arms around me and rubs my back. We stay like this for 10ish seconds. Sometimes 30.

Sometimes I’ll say something like, “How did you sleep?” or he’ll say something like “What are you doing today?” It sounds very boring and banal, but these 10-30 seconds anchor both of us to the love we share, the home we share, and the life we share.

 

You are your partner’s safe harbor

This moment of tender affection helps us anchor and remember that we are each other’s safe harbor.

My clients resist this moment.

I had one client who, when I described this ritual with my husband, say, “OMG kill me now.” When I wondered why, he responded, “you sound just like my parents.”

So, I asked him, “What’s so awful about your parents?”

“Nothing. I mean they’re really happy together, but wow. They’re boring as F—!”

His life, by contrast, was filled with drama. He was 33 and on his fifth serious relationship. He loved the chase. But each time he was about 2-3 years into living with the girl of his dreams…the dream faded. The romance wore off. And that’s when he left.

The real magic of living in love

I’ve talked with all of you before about the three stages of love. Falling in love is the first stage. This is what my client who didn’t want to turn into his parents loved. Falling in love is euphoric. Until you’re on your fifth time…then, apparently, it loses a bit of its sheen.

The second stage is landing in love. This is what’s happening to Robert and Jasmine. They’ve landed into their life. There’s not a lot of drama. No big moves they’re chasing. And they have a baby which is exhausting them both.

Landing in love can feel bumpy. Gravity is real, and it can feel like it’s pulling you down. Hard.

But then comes the third stage: living in love. Living in love is when you decide to deal with the reality of gravity. You want to figure out how to navigate the bumps. And I’m telling you people: THIS is where the magic lives.

You have to receive love in order to live in it

This living in love is what I talk about in my intro to my podcast. When you can RECEIVE the love that’s living in your home, you have more confidence. You have the support you need to chase your dreams. You’re ready to make your LIFE—your life outside your home—a magical playground filled with adventures.

When you create a 30-second good morning hug, you create a dedicated space to RECEIVE the love that’s already living in your home.

But when you think your relationship needs to be your dramatic playground, then the very place where you’re trying to build a firm and safe foundation becomes rocky and bumpy and chaotic. Or, in Robert and Jasmine’s case, the foundation is built on “I’ll do my thing, you do yours.” Boring as hell. Disconnected. Not a foundation for a shared life.

So, I suggest they institute this good morning hug.

I’m met with the same resistance I’ve already described. Boring. Fake. Feels forced.

But do you know what the real resistance is? Intimacy. Softening. Actually believing this unbelievable safety is real. Because it’s sooooo vulnerable.

 

Believe that you are enough

Think about it. If Robert accepts that Jasmine actually really loves him, he will need to accept that just his presence in the house is enough for Jasmine. Enough? Robert hasn’t felt like he’s enough … well … ever. His image of himself is that he’s loveable because he’s so masculine (rock-climbing, and dirt biking).

Since Elijah was born, he has only rock climbed once. I invite Robert to believe Jasmine when she tells him he’s her person. And it doesn’t have to do with climbing rocks or getting dirty. It has to do with being there. With sharing her life.

It’s hard for any of us to believe we are enough. Just as we are. So, we find ways to push that vulnerability away. We forget the good morning hug that would daily reassure us.

I tell Robert there are some days I tear up a little bit when my husband offers me that good morning hug. “Why?” asks Robert.

“I think it’s just that realization that I’m living the life I longed for,” I tell him. “I tear up because I’m letting the feeling wash over me.” Most days I don’t get emotional at all. But that regular hug provides the deep anchor that … well, I guess it’s anchoring me over and over so that I just feel so tethered together. I belong.

 

The sexiness of staying

Belonging is such a crucial part of happiness. Of my happily ever after. And probably your happily ever after as well.

I can tell Robert doesn’t believe me that living in love is anything but boring. But living in love is where it’s at: gratifying, and hope-filled, and reassuring, and yes, even sexy. It’s just a different sexy than pursuit.

It’s a sexiness of staying. Which is unbelievably intimate.

Robert agrees to try. I can hear that my promise of a different kind of sexiness has reframed his parent’s “boring” lifestyle. I also have sparked an imagination in him that he actually really wants that intimate sex. But, no surprise, he realizes he’s a bit afraid of it too.

Of course! But now there’s something new to pursue, and that lights him up.

 

Everyone experiences touch differently

When I talk to Jasmine she says, “But what if I don’t feel like hugging him, Rebecca?” I don’t believe anyone should be touched—especially women—if they don’t want to be. But I know that Jasmine feels safe with Robert, so I wonder aloud for a bit.

“Jasmine, can you tune into your body and tell me where you feel that I DON’T WANT TO BE TOUCHED sensation?”

She took a deep breath. My clients are great breathers.

With her eyes closed, she said, “I feel it in my skin. It’s as if all my individual pores are screaming out, no! No! NO!”

I have her imagine that she can dive into one of those pores. “What does it look like in there?” I ask her.

“It’s empty,” she says, tears filling her eyes.

“Jasmine,” I say, “My hunch is that when Robert touches you, it feels to your pores that he WANTS something. And your pores feel they have to PROVIDE that wanted something. Where am I wrong?”

“That’s it exactly,” she says. “I can feel him sucking off of me. Wanting me to fill him up with reassurance that I still love him.” Isn’t it ironic that it’s Robert’s desire for reassurance that Jasmine still loves him that’s causing Jasmine to distance herself a little?

But we’ve all experienced this. None of us like that needy love.

 

When touch becomes tender again

As the two of them meet with me together, I describe to Robert how I felt when I was nursing babies. “Robert, I loved my babies soooo much,” I said. “And. And they needed my body like you couldn’t believe. My body was their actual life-source. It was pretty intense.

“There were days when all I wanted was to run away. Far away so I could feel like myself again. But I couldn’t because that baby needed me to eat every 2-3 hours.

“Now, add to my desire to escape a feeling that I was bonded to this little baby like I’ve never been bonded to another human in my life. There’s all this oxytocin—the attachment hormone—flowing through my body connecting me to this baby.

“I remember the first time I went to the grocery store by myself. It was heaven to be so alone. Out in the world just myself. But then, guess what? I started missing that baby! It’s the wackiest feeling of my life.

“I wanted autonomy, but the moment I got it, I wanted that baby back in my arms.”

Tears were running down Jasmine’s cheeks. “Is that how you feel?” Robert asked Jasmine. When she nodded, he stood up and went to her chair and just enveloped her in a hug.

They sat like that a long moment.

When Robert sat back in his own chair I asked him, “What are you feeling?”

“I thought she’d fallen out of love with me,” he said and Jasmine burst out laughing. The clear, ringing laughter that is the relief after tears.

“Jasmine,” I turned to her, “What did you notice about Robert’s hug just now?”

Her tears returning, she said, “It felt wonderful.”

“My hunch,” I told this couple, “Is that, when Robert is afraid you don’t love him, his hug is searching for reassurance. But when he understands all that’s going on for you, his hug is filled with tenderness and gratitude.”

Jasmine nods. The tears keep her from saying anything out loud. Robert sits back in his chair with a huge, audible sigh.

“When you can flavor your tethering hug with ‘you’re my person,’ your hug fills your partner with confidence about the love you share. You’re anchoring that shared tether into each of your hearts.”

Here’s an example

First off let’s notice your daily routines:

Do you and your partner wake up at the same time? If so, just let yourself stay in bed and roll into a hug. If you sleep in different spaces, but wake at the same time, you could go crawl into the other person’s bed.

If you wake at different times, let’s notice if you tend to still be home when your person wakes up? This is the situation for my husband and me. We make room for our tethering hug the moment the second person wakes up.

But not infrequently, one of us leaves before the other wakes up. When this is the case, we send a tethering text: “Good morning wife,” or “Good morning my darling,” is my husband’s typical text. Three or four words. But because there are so many mornings when I get to feel the skin of his actual hug, these words tether me to him just the same.

If you are never or rarely overlapping in the mornings, we need to find another spot in the day for the tethering hug.

Is it when one or both of you get home at the end of the day? Is it before bed time?

The foundational piece of this habit is finding the predictable, consistent moment in time where this hug can live. Every. Single. Day. Because it’s the consistency that works the magic. I’ll talk more about this in this week’s Date Night Discussion below.

 

Next, let’s talk about the intention for you to hold in your heart during the hug:

Remember how much different Robert’s hug felt to Jasmine when they were in my office? That’s because Robert’s intention was flavored with compassion, understanding, and even gratitude for Jasmine’s connection with their baby.

But remember how Jasmine described Robert’s prior hugs? “It’s like he needed reassurance.”

When you give your tethering hug to your partner, I invite you to flavor it with the love you want your partner to FEEL.

Here’s the mantra I use:

You are my person. In this moment I’m tethering myself to you. And I am making myself available as a safe spot for you to tether yourself to me. I want us to share our lives.

You are welcome to use my mantra word for word, or to let it inspire you to create an intention of your own.

Let’s take these three one by one:

I’ve already discussed your wake-up routines in our habit segment. So, right now, pause the recording and discuss your typical wake up routines with your partner. When will this hug most likely fit into your relationship?

Next, discuss the affection intention or the feeling you want to inspire with your hug in your relationship? I invite you to write that mantra or intention on a shared note. Or post it on the inside of your bathroom cupboard where you can see it as you brush your teeth.

Finally, let’s discuss a plan for failure.

I have couples resist this part of the discussion. I understand. No one wants to start a new habit planning to fail. But that’s actually the best time to think about the possibility of failure. Why? Because life happens!

If we know at the outset that life happens—and especially if we discuss it—then we’re normalizing that failure and we don’t take it personally when it happens.

 

Here’s an example:

I have couples come to my office seething with resentment. When I ask about their tethering hug they say to me, “Oh. That didn’t work for us.”

“What happened?” I ask. Every story includes a few days of success. Then something happens and the hug is forgotten or over-looked. And here’s what people tell me about that moment when it’s forgotten:

• I knew she’d forget
• Or I didn’t expect him to be able to keep that up. It’s too much work

30 seconds? A hug? Is too much work? I don’t buy it.

I think what really happens is that people begin to taste that softness I describe that comes with this magic little ritual and that’s scary!

So, the next day, the hug is *forgotten.*

Vulnerability is scary. So, we avoid it. Forget. Get *too* busy.

And it’s what happens next that is so potent. Then we make up stories about what forgetting the hug means.

We think, “I’m not enough,” or we set ourselves up to spin, “Maybe he’s not enough for me.”

Sweet friends, don’t fall for these stories. All they are is fear showing up as resistance. You’re afraid to be vulnerable. That’s understandable. But your Inner Lizard thinks this is a crisis as dangerous as the saber-toothed tiger on the open savannah. So your Inner Lizard bolts, thinking it’s protecting you.

What will truly protect you is to nourish a tethering hug with your partner.

That nourishment includes forgetting. We forget things all the time. It doesn’t need to mean anything.

Instead of attaching all those stories to your forgotten hug, simply say, “Hey, we haven’t had our hug,” or “Hey, Lovey, I just want to hug you.”

Let it be that easy to begin again.

If you can do that—if you can let it be easy to begin again—you’ll find yourself 3 months from now with a new habit of affectionate touch in your relationship. And this habit will create a safety net that will carry you through the rough moments.