How to Review During Your Marriage Meeting

Last week I gave you an example of Tyler and Alia and the three things from their marriage meeting. Today we’ll look at the same example, but we’ll concentrate on Reviewing the previous week.

• You’ll see the importance of time to review the plan you made, not so you find fault, but rather to help you understand what’s realistic and where you’re expecting too much from yourselves.
• You’ll get review questions so you and your partner can review the week you planned last week.
• And you’ll see how reviewing thoughtfully enables you to make a more mindful plan for the upcoming week.

If you would like to use this information as a workshop to have your own marriage meeting with your partner, click here to listen to the workshop-style podcast episode.

Where should you start?

I suggest you begin with episode 65 which gives you ideas for inviting your partner to sit down with you. That episode sets the stage for why a marriage meeting is good for your relationship.

Last week, in episode 66, we focused on creating a PLAN.

In my book I talk about the template: Plan*Do*Review to help you orient your time together. Last week we focused on The Plan. If you haven’t listened to that episode or read the blog yet, you might want to do that before reading this blog.

Hopefully, you’ve had a week to implement—the Do part of the template—The Plan. Now it’s time to Review what happened.

 

Here’s what we’ll go over now

We’ll revisit the same three topics:

• Meal Planning
• Extended Family Coming for a Visit
• How do we stay withing our budget?

And see how Tyler and Alia faired.

 

Remember: Set yourself up for success

Before you start to discuss, set your space up for relationship-success:

• Your phones are off
• Neither you, nor your partner is trying to multi-task
• If you have kids, they’re busy watching their favorite show or you’ve farmed them out to friends
• It’s just you and your sweetheart for the next 30 minutes: face to face, maybe a cup of coffee—or your favorite beverage—in hand

Marriage Meeting Topic #1: The Meal Plan

Last week, when Tyler and Alia made a meal plan, they addressed the question, “Can we talk about food for the week so we’re not just thinking about food when we’re already hungry?”

They wondered about:

• Which meals do we want to share in the course of a week?
• How much shared cooking do we want to do?

As a reminder, Tyler and Alia grew up with very different family approaches to meal planning. Tyler’s family never ate together, while Alia’s family shared dinner almost every night. Her family also had breakfast together, while Tyler grew up in a family where everyone just grabbed what they could on their own.

Consequently, they are both changing expectations when they make a plan to share 3 dinners together throughout the week. They chose to spend some time chopping extra veggies together because Tyler is used to grabbing quick foods, but he wants to eat healthier.

Tyler’s sister came to visit and one of the three meals they planned to share was with her. They grabbed Qdoba to-go and headed to the park with their paddle boards.

 

Let’s listen in as they talk through how the meal planning went:

Because Tyler and Alia are regular listeners to my podcast, they celebrated their successes first, knowing that positive emotion is the surest way to build a habit.

Alia asked, “How did you feel sharing dinner and cooking together?” This is an example of Alia focusing on the positive. You’ll hear in a moment that she had a lot of frustrations this week regarding meals. But she is aware how much mindfulness it took Tyler to cook with her and sit at the table rather than look at his phone.

She wants to build on this success, and she has a hunch he felt like things went really well.

“It was weird for me at first,” says Tyler. “I thought I’d hate it. But it was really great. Especially Tuesday.” Tuesday night they both got home at a reasonable time, they chopped a bunch of vegetables—some for dinner, and some to grab easily later—and cooked up an amazing stir fry.

They put on Bruno Mars and their Tuesday night turned into a date night as they made mandalas with chopped veggies and danced in the kitchen. They had so much fun, they turned off the stir fry and had sex, then came back to the kitchen to eat in their cozy clothes and watch Netflix, snuggled up together.

 

It’s important to focus on the positive when you review

I wish Alia could pause and take this in.

If she were in my office as a coaching client, I would have the three of us spend a good 5-10 minutes luxuriating in this Tuesday evening dinner together.

This was a huge stretch for Tyler. He doesn’t eat veggie stir-fry. He typically spends his evening scrolling on his phone, not dancing in the kitchen. So, the idea that he genuinely had fun playing with vegetables is remarkable.

So remarkable in fact, that, as a coach, I wouldn’t ask for anything else in the success category. I would just want to build on all the positive associations we could.

 

The whole story is powerful for your relationship

If Tyler and Alia were in my office I’d say, “Tell me the whole story of the veggies and the dancing.” And I wouldn’t stop asking about that story until I’d heard lots of sensual details.

They would be slow to be forthcoming—because everyone needs practice celebrating wins—but I’d keep asking until I heard about how Alia bought three bell peppers: red, green, and yellow.

She sliced them in circles so they were rings and Tyler commented they were cool looking. So Alia got out her black cutting board and they arranged all the rings—red, yellow, and green—in a row. They were stunning. And Tyler said, “It reminds me of one of those charcuterie boards you see online.”

This was the sexiest thing he could say to Alia, because it was like validating all her desires to eat healthily. Tyler truly saw what Alia values but it didn’t feel like he was trying to notice. He just exclaimed about their beauty because he saw them and liked them.

There was no effort. They were just playing.

Then Alia showed him how to cut carrots on the diagonal while she made the cucumber slices fancy by taking off just a bit of the deep green peel. The cucumbers were stripped and when they laid out two rows of cucumbers and carrots on their black board, they got to feast with their eyes at all that color.

That’s when the Bruno Mars song came on, and as Bruno Mars sang, When I see your face There’s not a thing that I would change, Tyler grabbed his girl and danced with her in the kitchen.

 

Celebration is a crucial part of your marriage meeting…

When I get clients to tell me the whole story, we get to steep in these moments of sensual pleasure. I want them to feel their relationship soaking up that memory and letting it flavor their marriage meeting.

This is the glorious thing about the Review part of Plan*Do*Review. These moments of celebration. It’s where we get to notice—and even relive—the best parts of who we are in relationship.

This is crucial for deepening the intimacy in your relationship. Do you know why? Because you have a brain that is evolved to notice everything that’s WRONG with a situation, and no part of your brain that naturally savors all that’s going RIGHT.

 

…But for some of us, it’s a lot easier to rant about what went wrong

One of the purposes of my podcast is to be here and help you intentionally notice all that’s RIGHT with your relationship, so you can savor those things and moments and cement those things and moments into habits that repeat.

This is what I wish I could have done with Tyler and Alia. I wish we could have had this moment of savoring their success.

But Alia was ready to talk about things that went wrong. It was all she could do to listen to Tyler say how great he thought things went. She was stretching just to let him notice that aloud and nod her agreement that Tuesday was a great day.

Then she quickly transitioned to Thursday, when Tyler had agreed to cook with her, but he was late getting home, and she had dinner mostly prepared by the time he arrived. They sat together, but silently she was feeling taken for granted, so she didn’t have much to say.

We spent some time savoring the success of their Tuesday night. This is Tyler stretching and growing to reach their lifestyle values of regularly sharing meals. We want to celebrate that success.

Alia is also having successes, but they are more difficult to see.

 

Let’s take some time to notice how Alia is feeling in this situation:

Alia’s starting point is an expectation of nearly every meal shared. She doesn’t need every dinner prep to turn into a wild, sexy encounter, but she is used to a rhythm of sharing about her day and feeling the daily intimacy of connection that comes from those micro moments of togetherness. That’s the home in which she grew up, and it’s her baseline expectation.

So when Alia eats alone Monday and Wednesday and doesn’t let that bother her, that’s a big deal for her. She was intentional about making a healthy meal for herself, and, since she was cooking anyhow, she made extra so Tyler would have something healthy to eat.

She loves him so much and wants him to be healthy. She knows he didn’t grow up eating lots of salads and veggies, so she takes pride in helping him discover how tasty those things can be.

When Tyler came home and warmed up the food she’d prepared, he said “Thanks, Babe. This is delicious.” But then he defaulted to scrolling on his phone.

She’s proud of herself because, when she started to resent his scrolling, she reminded herself of their agreement to only share a meal Tuesday, Thursday, and the Saturday when his sister was in town.

She is stretching to accommodate where Tyler is at: He doesn’t have the stamina to share a dinner and put his phone down every evening.

Because she was stretching, when Thursday comes along and Tyler isn’t home when he promised—even though he texted that he was running late—she’s feeling short-changed. She’s not getting what they agreed to.

 

The marriage meeting allows you to let your partner know what you’re feeling

She wants to wait for their Marriage Meeting Review to talk about her feelings though, because she hates conflict. She knows she has this safe space waiting for her, so she hides her feelings for the time being.

Now she’s a little like a volcano or a geyser. The pressure has been building, and she hasn’t let it out. It comes POURING out now. And she tells Tyler how horrible she felt because he didn’t make it home and she was cooking by herself while she cried.

She lists reason after reason he disappoints her. She recounts time after time she’s made healthy food for him and he reaches for the bag of Doritos instead. She calls him a name: “You’re just lazy and unappreciative.”

We can have some compassion for Alia, right? She’s tried to play by the rules. She felt like they’d made agreements. She felt let down.

We can understand why she’s exploding now.

And.

And we can see that her explosion won’t help their relationship. It’s true. And the minute she explodes and calls him lazy she feels ashamed.

Tyler feels lambasted.

Their Marriage Meeting isn’t something they want to continue. It totally sucks.

 

It’s Big Work to have a successful marriage meeting

Now why would I tell you a story like this? Why would I let Tyler be so clueless and Alia be wound so tightly?

Because I want you to know you’re normal.

I don’t want to just set you up for this perfectly flowing marriage meeting review to go swimmingly. Because this is a skill you need to learn.

I absolutely promise you can learn this skill! And I also promise it will pay HUGE dividends in your relationship.

But I don’t promise it will be easy. Nor do I promise it will unfold neatly.

On the upside, it might go great for you. You might find it easy. And it so, please, please, please celebrate over and over. Cement that great habit.

 

Figure out the best path forward

The great thing for Tyler and Alia is that they listened to episode 35 of my podcast: Create a Pressure Relief Valve. Tyler had the presence of mind to call a time out.

They took some time apart. Tyler had a moment to see the previous week from Alia’s perspective, and Alia, after exploding, was able to see how she might have handled things differently as well.

Tyler did some laundry. Alia went for a walk. Then they met back at their table and agreed to head to the coffee shop to finish their Review.

On the drive to the coffee shop, Alia apologized, “I’m sorry I blew up. I really did have a great time on Tuesday. I actually think having such a great time Tuesday is what made me feel even more sad about you coming home late on Thursday.”

 

Meet your partner with understanding

“I totally get it,” said Tyler. “I think eating dinner together is so new for me that I’m not even noticing all the nights you’re eating alone. I just see and feel all this connection. But when I look at it from your point of view, you only really got what you wanted one night of the whole week. I’m sorry about that. And I want you to know I really am trying.”

“Totally!” said Alia with genuine affection. “I know how much I’m asking compared to what you’re used to.”

“But it’s what I want,” confirms Tyler. “I just didn’t really realize it would take me an effort to make it happen. I just figured since I love you so much, it would just happen naturally. But it didn’t. And I let you down.”

It was at this point that the two of them pull up to the coffee shop. They each order. Wait for their coffees to get made, then grab them and have a seat in the corner by the window.

 

Find a way to connect

Tyler reaches his hand across the table, and Alia takes hold of it. They don’t say anything for a bit. Alia feels a lump in her throat and doesn’t want to cry. Tyler doesn’t know what to say, but he desperately wants Alia to know how much he loves her. It feels good to hold hands.

Tyler is the first one to speak, “Well, do you think I’m capable of cutting veggies and resisting the scrolling 2 nights this week? Or is that too much to ask of myself?” He’s laughing and that makes Alia laugh too.

“We better not over-reach,” she says. “Let’s plan on nachos or something that second night. We don’t want to freak out your stomach.” They smile. They squeeze hands. Then they get out their calendars and decide to try again for Tuesday and Thursday shared dinners.

They’re tired, so Alia says she’ll pick up groceries for something; she’s not sure right now. And Tyler promises to be ready, knife sharpened, to cut a rainbow of veggies.

 

Now it’s your turn

My hope for you is you’ll have a way easier time than Tyler and Alia.

But if you have some strong emotions, take a deep breath. Let your partner know, “You OK if I’m not all rainbows and unicorns? I’m gonna mention some things that didn’t go according to our plan, but my intention is so we can improve. Sound OK?”

Then wait. Wait for your partner to say, “I’m ready.”

 

Here’s some questions for you and your partner: 

• Did any of your plans work out precisely as you’d hoped?
• If so, take some time to celebrate that success. Positive emotion is the best way to cement a habit
• If not, get curious about what got in the way. Did the circumstances change? Did one of you *forget* to uphold your end of the bargain?

You can also download the graphic here.

Don’t waste your time finding fault. Instead, trust that each of you will benefit from this moment when you draw your attention to the plan.

 

Once you’ve had a chance to review what happened last week, turn your focus to the coming week:

How do you want to update your plan so you can see more connection and fun in the week to come?

Return to last week’s questions, or create your own. Here’s some ideas:

• What do you want to eat this week?
• Who has time to grocery shop?
• Who can cook?
• Who can clean up?
• When will you eat together?

Marriage Meeting Topic #2: Planning for Guests

Tyler and Alia are still at the coffee shop and the sunshine is pouring in the window as Tyler asks, “How do it go for you having my sister here?” he asks.

“I enjoyed the paddleboarding,” she says, wanting to focus on something positive.

Tyler knows his wife. And he’s very grateful at the moment for all the ways she tries to make his life richer. Sometimes it’s hard for Tyler because he feels pressure from Alia to eat better. She’s always the one to initiate a bike ride, or a yoga class.

But today especially because they’re having this conversation, he sees all those invitations from Alia not as pressure to be better, but instead he sees his beautiful wife inviting him into her big life. And he so admires her.

“You enjoyed the paddleboarding, but not so much the tip-toeing through the living room while my sister slept and you made your coffee, right?”

Alia laughs. “But we didn’t spend money on a mattress.” She’s proud they didn’t overspend.

“We have to celebrate this budget win,” she says, “because I won’t be interested in saving that money next time!” They both laugh.

 

It will get easier to celebrate over time

It was a win. They talked about the money they wanted to spend and the money they didn’t want to spend. They agreed they’d made a sacrifice that wasn’t really worth it. Tyler’s sister was in vacation mode and slept until 11:00am!

Alia felt the need to be quiet all that time because their couch was in the middle of LIFE. Totally not worth it. So, she makes a suggestion, “What would you think about us getting a shared account for everything household related?” This is a big move. She sees the look on Tyler’s face.

“I know,” she says. “This is hard for me too. I know we talked about keeping our finances separate so we don’t fight about money. But I think we fight about money anyhow.” They both laugh. “I think it would help if we had a shared account to deal with moments like this.”

 

Think about what you both value to help solve problems

They talked through the complications of his sister’s visit. Because Alia works in their only extra bedroom, having guests proposes a challenge.

But extended family is important to both of them. They WANT family and friends to come visit. They have a dream of being the adventure home where everyone wants to come stay. So how do they solve this conundrum?

They don’t make any moves to create a shared checking account today.

Instead, they focus their conversation on their values.

• How do we want our home to function?
• If we want guests, how can we make our home work for guests without compromising our routines?
• If we need to compromise our routines, how can we do that and respect each other?

 

Now its your turn

Take some time to talk with your partner about welcoming guests into your home. Use the questions  above, or click here to see the graphic for more questions.

Marriage Meeting Topic #3: Budgeting

You can have whole marriage meetings about finances. You can get into the nitty gritty. But for this week, I’d want to encourage Tyler and Alia to celebrate the success they had last week.

When it comes to money, the *Do* part of their template went exactly as planned. Tyler Venmoed Alia $160. She did the grocery shopping, supplementing some of her own money, then Tyler paid for them all to grab Qdoba.

Success! I’d encourage them to focus on how taking time to Plan last week truly paid off for them. They avoided an argument about over-spending at The Bin, as was Tyler’s original suggestion.

 

Celebrate the arguments you didn’t have

Avoided arguments are not a popular topic of conversation, but I encourage couples to talk about the fights they didn’t have. This is another type of celebration.

I’d invite Alia to celebrate this knowing she is more the saver disposition in this pairing. But already I hear her laughing in my ear, “Yeah, but looking back, spending $30 on an air mattress would have been a solid use of funds,” she’d say.

This is where Plan*Do*Review really pays off. In their conversations, Alia is almost always the saver. She doesn’t want to spend money. But here was a very real example where she realizes not spending was too costly.

 

A marriage meeting changes your conversations for the better

The great thing is that Alia and Tyler get to have a conversation about when it’s helpful to spend money rather than just regretting money spent that broke the bank and made it challenging to get their bills paid.

They make a plan to think about what a shared account would look like. They promise to consider shared bills vs a desire for financial freedom and privacy. They both like having their own accounts. So how can they be more realistic about their shared financial obligations while also protecting each person’s desire for autonomy?

They also discuss how they want to come up with a good solution for when guests visit. This will be a topic for a number of Marriage Meetings in the future while they continue to dial this in.

Their Plan, therefore, for this upcoming week is to make a list of things that would make having guest visits easier to handle and how much those changes might cost.

They also agree to each investigate options for a shared account.

Alia asks Tyler to Venmo money for rent. And he offers to send extra, asking if she’d be willing to grocery shop again. Alia loves that chore, and is happy to agree. Especially when Tyler says, “I’d happily do all the dishes if I can steer clear of the grocery store.” Alia smiles.

 

Now it’s your turn

What do you and your partner need to discuss about the way you spent money this week?

Here are two questions for you to review:

• How much did we agree we would spend?
• How much did we actually spend?

You can also click here if you want to look at the graphic.

If you or your partner spent more than you agreed, rather than finding fault, can you get curious? Was your expectation too difficult to achieve? Knowing what you know now, is there something you’d not purchase?

How do you want to Plan for the upcoming week?

• How much can you and your partner afford to spend this week?
• How will you need to adjust your purchases in order to stay under that dollar number?

Trust this process. It often takes couples many weeks of trying to find a budget that is realistic. Continued conversation is your friend.

How about you?

I’d love to know what happened at your Marriage Meeting. Or I’d love to know what topics you’d like to hear me address for a future episode about Marriage Meetings. Text me at 970-210-4480.