Intimacy Begins Where Either/Or Ends

You’re seduced by either/or thinking because it’s simple. But it’s costing you intimacy.

Here are a couple examples of either/or thinking:

• Either we take our vacation to the beach and we’re finally able to relax, or we take an exciting mountain trek we’ll remember for the rest of our lives.
• I can either care for my family, or I can have a satisfying career.
• Either we figure out how to share money fairly, or our marriage is over.

Do these either/or conundrums resonate with you? There are lots of reasons that either/or thinking is compelling and so seductive we almost can’t resist it.

The first reason your brain loves to default to either/or thinking is that it is simple. Your brain hates complication or uncertainty, so the straightforward choice of 2 things: either/or, is uber tempting to your brain when you face any decisions.

Most of life, however, is not clear cut. Most of life is a shade of grey. This feels complicated and full of nuance. Your brain wants clear answers so it’s tempting to be reductionist and simplify things into black and white. All or nothing. Either/or.

That’s why, when considering a vacation, it’s tempting to reduce the choices to two things:
The (calming) beach or The (exciting) adventure.

Let me invite you to my family’s table where this was a real conundrum we faced.

To help you see all the complexity my family was considering, let me outline the variables:

• How much preparation and packing do we want to do?
• What will make for rich memories?
• How much research do we want to do?
• What gear will we need?

A camping trip requires lots of gear: prepping the gear, set up of the tent, prepping meals, cooking meals (on a backpacking stove…for 10 people). That felt overwhelming.

A “beach trip” sounds lovely and relaxing until we remember we live in Colorado, nowhere near the beach. So that requires airplane travel which costs money, or a long drive (with kids who don’t want to be contained too long).

Our family welcomed two brand new babies this year. For years we’ve been the family who adventures for vacation. But canoes and backpacks didn’t seem to match well with two children under the age of one.

We wanted a vacation. But what did we really want? It was confusing. Our identity was shaped around adventuring. But we all knew we longed for restful relaxation. We felt stuck in indecision.

This is the problem with either/or thinking: we get stuck. Stuck in answers that have no flexibility and stuck in an imagination that has simplified things so much we lost the goal.

We asked ourselves, if we could wave a magic wand and have everything we want, what is the goal of this year’s vacation?

Everyone agreed:

• We want as little effort and preparation as possible, but we didn’t want to sacrifice some moments that felt exciting and memorable.
• In short, we wanted both: relaxation and adventure.

When you get stuck in either/or thinking I recommend you pull out a magic wand. This magic wand is made up of two words: Both. And.

Let your magic wand be the words, “How can we change either/or to both/and?”

We wanted both: relaxation and adventure. We could have both. We just needed to look for the AND. Instead of forcing ourselves to choose: either/or.

We asked ourselves at the table that night, how can we have the most relaxing vacation and the best adventures?

Friends, it’s hard with six adults and four children constantly interrupting to have a coherent conversation. It’s hard to make choices. It’s hard to think outside the box.

But we began with things like, “What makes the most relaxing adventures?” Can you hear the both/and of that question? Instead of putting relaxation and adventure on the opposite sides of the spectrum, we asked a question that immediately assumed both things were possible.

The answers came quickly:

• Adventures that require very little packing up.
• Very short travel time.
• The gear needs little to no maintenance.
• Easy meals.

Then we asked the other foil question, “What makes the most adventurous relaxation?”

• Water.

That made things straightforward. We wanted our vacation to involve water, but we didn’t want to travel far. And we didn’t want a bunch of gear needed.

The answer shocked and delighted me.

“Can we have a stay-cation at LollyPops house?” Lolly is my grandparent name. Pops is my husband’s grandparent name.

My kids were asking to come to our—LollyPops—house for their vacation during my favorite time of the year. I didn’t have to pack a thing. I got to have my children home with me at my favorite time of year.

Dreams come true when you substitute both/and for either/or.

Both/and thinking made it possible. When you consider all the possibilities, your priorities work together in concert rather than presenting as false choices that force you to choose one or the other.

 

The certainty that either/or provides is costing you the life of your dreams

Both/and, while it seems to invite complexity, both/and also introduces AHHHH. The beach felt like relaxation once we got there, but involved two big days of travel on either end. Backpacking sounded wonderfully adventurous, but was also filled with details none of us had the brain power to tolerate.

Just because we reduce things to either/or doesn’t mean the inner conflict is gone.

When you choose both/and instead of either/or, you welcome the complications. You stop the resistance of the complications. And, as we’ve talked about previously, resistance is where suffering lives.

Both! And! These are the magical words that untangle your FOMO.

Fear of missing out is a big reason we default to either/or thinking. What will I miss? Is a question that immediately frames choices up into a world of either/or. I can have the relaxation of the beach, or the adventure of the mountains.

But can you hear the FOMO in either situation?

Both/and thinking allows you to aim straight at your desires rather than at the circumstances where you’re trapped.

When we can put our arms around the complexity and welcome it ALL, we have true ease. We want both: relaxation and adventure! Then your brain goes to work solving for how you can have both. Relaxation AND adventure.

You’re not trapped by the false choice of the beach or the mountains. Both/and thinking allows you to appeal to your deepest values of simplicity and excitement.

Embracing the truth of complexity also invites intimacy. It was nice to hear that my children wanted to come *home.* I use this word, home carefully, because both of my children have created lovely homes of their own.

Hearing that it is a vacation feeling for my children to come and stay at their childhood home gives me a cozy feeling. Knowing that we’ve made it simpler for their new babies is filled with the intimacy of embracing our newest family members.

Both/and thinking allows you to turn your FOMO into JOMO: the joy of missing out. My children don’t have to worry about babies on planes, or how to set things up for babies to sleep in the wilderness. What a joy!

Either/or sets up division in your brain. Both/and welcomes unity.

Either/or creates a feeling of scarcity. Both/and cultivates abundance.

Either/or thinking inspires tension in your body and relationships. Both/and promotes ease and intimacy.

 

How does either/or thinking cause emotional turmoil?

Let’s take my next either/or conundrum: I can either care for my family, or I can have a satisfying career.

There is FOMO built into this false choice, right? If you dedicate yourself to your children, you miss out on the intellectual and social stimulation of a vibrant work environment. Conversely, if you dedicate yourself to your career, there are so many precious moments you miss out on at home with your children.

Let’s find the JOMO with both/and instead of the FOMO of either/or.

Unfortunately, I didn’t learn this lesson until later, and I wore FOMO glasses when I was raising my children. I saw the career I wasn’t having. I felt less than my colleagues. Had I been able to put on my JOMO glasses, I would have seen all the writing I was doing—early in the morning before babies awakened—and how it prepared me for this glorious season of my life talking with you.

Life is long.

Life is long, Sweet Friends. It may not feel like it now, but there is time for you to do most of what you want to do. Maybe not all, but even that is joy-filled, because it gives you perspective on how privileged you are to have gotten to do so many of the things you love.

I don’t want to minimize the emotions I had when my babies were young, however, and I certainly don’t want to minimize your complicated emotions.

Complex emotion is the second reason we default to either/or. We imagine that by simplifying our choices, we will simplify our emotions. But that’s not the way it works. Emotions we force into hiding simply haunt us as the edges of our consciousness. Haunt is the key word, because we can’t see those hidden feelings clearly.

Better to bring them into the light.

Let’s look at all the complicated emotions that go with this either/or choice point:

• I am either a good mother or a good worker.
• I am either part of my children’s lives or I am absent.
• I am either fostering a family intimacy or career ambition.

Those either/or choices invite pretty sucky emotions. I’m always losing out.

Now, let’s leap to our magic words: both/and.

How is it true that you could do both: be present in your children’s lives AND have a satisfying career?

And let’s add another great, magical word: because. When you use “because” to explain to yourself why a both/and philosophy is true, you allow yourself to make friends with all the complications. The complications of circumstance and the complications of emotions. “Because…” helps to build bridges of understanding between your complications and helps you feel more whole.

I am both: a good parent and a good worker because when I go to work, my personal tank gets filled up. I have more to give to my family. I am both: a good worker and a good parent. When I go to work, I value efficiency because I also want to go home.

Let’s try another: I enjoy being both a part of my children’s lives and absent from their lives. This is because I value my presence wherever I am. When I fill my tank at work, that allows me to be more present with my children at home. I’m not distracted by unfulfilled dreams. When I fill my tank at home, that fills my tank with love and belonging and I bring all that confidence to work with me.

Last one: Instead of I am either fostering family intimacy or career ambition let’s observe the magic of both/and as well as the power of because.

I am both fostering family intimacy and career ambition because I am a whole person with complex needs. When I feed both parts of me—career ambition and family intimacy—everything about me becomes more robust. I am able to bring my whole self to work and to my family because I’m not forcing myself to be less than.

The FOMO of a writing and business career becomes the JOMO of getting to raise my children on my terms.

Both/and turns FOMO into JOMO. It creates resilience instead of helplessness.

Because helps you to find all the complexity of your life and welcome it under one banner of wholeness inside yourself.

Either/or thinking creates disconnection. Both/and thinking cultivates intimacy.

Either/or thinking creates pressure. Both/and thinking cultivates permission.

 

How does either/or thinking force us to choose sides?

Either/or thinking forces us to choose sides: All or nothing.

• The cost is alienation and loneliness.
• We fall prey to narrow-mindedness and fear.

What does both/and thinking do instead?

• Both/and thinking creates emotional maturity because we’re invited to put our umbrella over a larger picture.
• This creates emotional safety: All our complicated emotions are allowed to exist simultaneously.
• Instead of “you’re in or you’re out.” We feel included and full of possibility as well as agency.
• Both/and thinking cultivates a mindset of co-existence.

 

“Both/And.” “Because.” Magical words to combat either/or thinking

Let’s examine the final conundrum I offered, Either we figure out how to share money fairly, or our marriage is over.

Money is loaded with power dynamics, scarcity-mindset, and your own personal baggage. These are all issues that require you to engage with your values. A reluctance to engage with your values is the third reason we default to either/or thinking.

What we value isn’t always clear cut. Your values can be in conflict like my family’s seemingly contradictory needs for relaxation and adventure.

Consequently, your brain—who likes efficiency and clear-cut answers—creates 2 choices: either we figure out how to share money fairly or we get divorced. Simple. Efficient. No need for a complicated investigation into our shared values.

But this simplicity steals intimacy from your relationship.

When David and I were learning how to share money, there were so many layers we were invited to address. Values about lifestyle, raising children, supporting careers. It’s a lot, right?

We’ve talked about the magical words both/and that helped my family consider the richness of thinking outside the box for our family vacation. We’ve talked about the magical word because for the power it offers to help you make sense of your inner complications and embrace those complications rather than trying to choose between them.

Now let’s add one more layer to both/and thinking. It’s an invitation. A true invitation to become your biggest self.

 

Both/And + Because = An Invitation

Let’s employ these first two tools to create the invitation. First, we’ll change the syntax from “Either we figure out how to share money fairly, or our marriage is over,” to embrace the power of both/and philosophy. It sounds like this:

We will both figure out how to share money fairly, and that will be one of the reasons our marriage will endure a lifetime.

I invite you to practice this syntax exercise of turning your either/or conundrums into both/and statements. I have been practicing this for 2 decades and it still took me four tries to find a way to turn that either/or money fairness statement into a both/and statement.

I love this step of syntax. Even though it’s hard. Actually, especially when it’s difficult, because that’s when you know that you are rewiring your brain. Try it yourself. Notice how you struggle to get both elements of your either/or conundrum into a both/and phrase.

What is an either/or struggle you’re facing right now? Try pausing for a moment and try to phrase that either/or struggle as a both/and possibility.

Did you try it? Did you notice how difficult it was just to SAY the struggle differently?

Here’s the magic of solving that syntax puzzle. When your brain can wrap itself around that comprehensive syntax, it begins to go to work solving…HOW? How do I do both? And what does that look like?

Now let’s employ the power of the magical word “because.” We want to share money fairly because that will be a key to deepening the intimacy and longevity of our marriage.

Often in these grand dilemmas of life, we resort to either/or thinking because the path before us is difficult. Again, our brains like simplicity and our brains resist complexity. This sort of puzzle requires that we engage with our values. That can be challenging.

But can you see how the magic of “because” turns the either/or into an invitation to create the both/and? And this invitation creates intimacy.

It wasn’t easy in my marriage to create fairness when it came to money. But the journey to create that fairness brought my husband and me closer and closer with each new layer of understanding.

• We understood the difference between paid work and invisible work.
• We questioned societal pressures that say whoever earns more is inherently more valuable, and it was my husband who truly helped me to reject that message.
• We understood how to have tough conversations about the spending and saving of money. Choices you make with your partner draw you together into a shared vision for your happily ever after.

When you are limited by either/or thinking, tension and scarcity are implied. If, instead, you want to create a life of abundance with your partner, use this bold invitation to put you onto the same team, striving together.

Both/and invite you to think outside the either/or box. The word “because” invites you to engage with your deepest values which will create bridge after bridge of connection between you.

Ease replaces tension. Abundance replaces scarcity.

Here’s an example:

Start with low stakes. Do I want a nap or a half hour walk? How can you give yourself both? How can I use the next 30 minutes to get both a little fresh air and a moment to put my feet up?

When you practice with low stakes options, you learn the meta cognition skill of seeing the false choice that either/or thinking presents.

Once you’re practiced at that, you can be on the lookout for higher stakes conundrums your brain might be unconsciously chewing on like mine: I can either have a career, or I can be a loving mother.

Your brain answers the questions you give it. Be on the look out when your brain is serving you either/or dichotomies that are false choices.

The best way to practice nimble thinking in this regard is to ask yourself, How can I have BOTH? This AND that?

This is your habit to practice this week—to change the syntax in the questions you ask yourself. Because either/or thinking leads to a relationship of defensiveness and proving that you’re right. Whereas both/and thinking leads to a relationship of curiosity and mutual understanding.

Here’s an example:

Either we go to bed at the same time or we’ll never have sex again.

What’s at stake? You and your sweetheart don’t have the same natural bedtime needs. You want to have a vital sex life. How can you both get the sleep you need and have great sex?

Can you hear how kind it is to involve both/and? It’s kind to notice that you don’t always want to go to bed at the same time. It’s sexy to notice that you don’t want that to cost you physical connection.

How can you have both: Good sex and good sleep? Then further cement the idea with the word “because.” We both need good sleep because that makes us feel and act sexier.

 

What are the either/or conundrums at your house?

You know I love hearing about them. Text me at 970-210-4480. I’m eager to hear the options you’re able to open up with both/and thinking.

I want your relationship to transform one habit at a time. This week move away from either/or thinking which cultivates a me vs you attitude. Instead, embrace a both/and philosophy which allows you to cultivate the story of us with your sweetheart.