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When you ask your spouse a question, do you get one-word replies instead of a conversation?

Today we’re talking about the role of friendship in your relationship and what happens when the friend doesn’t show up.

  1. Today I’ll introduce you to The Ghost who haunts your relationship
  2. You’ll understand why the Ghost makes it difficult to connect with your spouse
  3. And you’ll get some strategies to strengthen your friendship so it doesn’t become invisible and slowly disappear


What is “the ghost?”

The Ghost appears when The Friend has gone to sleep. Our task this week, is to wake up that friend so you feel less lonely and more connected to your spouse.

Then you reach a point of comfort.

Comfort is lovely. We all crave comfort because it’s so comfortable. It’s easy.

And it can be deadly to your relationship.


How comfort kills your friendship

We are predisposed by something called loss aversion. We stay alert if we fear a loss. We also stay alert if we’re striving and growing. There’s a unique bond created when you and your spouse are reaching for a shared goal, or even when you’re surviving a crisis together. These states of alertness keep us connecting with our partner.

But we want to be comfortable. We don’t always want to be hyper alert: either fearing loss or striving for a potential future.

Try this relationship habit: 

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to ask a super specific question of your spouse, or to answer a super specific question.

Don’t wait for your spouse to ask you the question

You can answer a question that hasn’t been asked. That’s called engaging in conversation.

Whether you and your spouse are in the beginning stages of your relationship, or you’ve been together for decades, the only person you can change is you. But the best news about that fact is that when you change yourself, you change the dynamic in your relationship.

All by yourself you can shift the relationship you have

Little by little. Habit by habit.

I’m not telling you that you are the only one responsible for your relationship. Not at all. But I am saying that you are powerful in your relationship and that the only way for you to have the relationship you want is to become the person you want to be in that relationship.

Try this date night discussion: 

This week use the super specific phrase I wanna hear the whole story about____.

Then fill in the blank. Here are some examples of how to fill in that blank. As I read these examples, notice how your body feels as if I’m saying this to YOU because I’m interested in you.

  • I wanna hear the whole story about what you learned today about what’s happening in the world: your tiny world, or the universe. Tell me.
  • I wanna hear the whole story about the best thing you smelled today.
  • I wanna hear the whole story about what surprised you today?
  • I wanna hear the whole story about protein did you eat today?

Now wait, really? There’s a whole story about protein? Maybe not so much in your life. But my husband is super keen about protein right now. He wants to tell me how he managed to eat all the protein he was seeking, and he wants to know if I’m eating enough protein.


Examples of super specific questions

I wanted you to hear this super specific question because your spouse geeks out about something. What is that something? When you ask about that something that is fascinating to your spouse, it’s like saying I love you. I love you and I want to hear all the details.

Here’s some more:

  • I wanna hear the whole story about the other dogs you saw today when you were taking ours for a walk?
  • I was noticing how green everything has become outside. There are a zillion tiny buds on the catapula tree that are this yellow-green and they all look so happy. I wanna hear the whole story about the best green thing you saw today?
  • Today I had a client thank me because I’d changed her life. I wanna hear the whole story about the most rewarding moment of your day?
  • I wanna hear the whole story about what you struggled with today.

You might wanna give up on the listening, throw up your hands, and say, “It doesn’t work. My spouse is never gonna talk to me.”

Please let me encourage you to keep asking. Listening and revealing are the two cornerstones that make a strong friendship and these skills will help to banish the ghost from your relationship. But these skills don’t magically appear overnight and they need to be honed.

Want to read a manuscript of this episode?

Click here to visit my blog.

When does The Ghost tend to show up in your relationship?  Text me today at 970-210-4480 and let me know.

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