Episode 26: When Happily Ever After for Your Relationship Includes Divorce

How do you know when it’s time to divorce?

We all face relationship struggles.

What’s the difference between struggles that will make your relationship stronger, and struggles that signal it’s time to divorce?

My guest, Kate, talks about how long she considered leaving her marriage. She was concerned about the impact on her three sons. She wanted to make certain she’d tried everything in case the situation could be fixed.

Listen to how she treats the relationship with herself that helped her know it was time to leave the marriage.

Don’t feel safe in your relationship?

What happens when you don’t feel safe inside your marriage?

Kate didn’t feel threatened, per se. But neither did she feel safe.

How do you tune into your own autonomy so you can notice when you feel safe and what feels like a violation to that personal autonomy? And how do you do that inside such a radically intimate relationship like a marriage?

How do you learn to feel again?

What do you do when you’ve been numbing your pain? How do you start to feel again?

Because Kate was unhappy in her marriage for 8 years, she numbed herself. She didn’t cry. She didn’t laugh.

Listen to discover how she went about  finding her emotional self again.

The mantra that will help you find yourself inside your relationship

I’m worthy. I matter. I’m enough.

Kate recited this mantra to herself daily for over a year as she thawed out the emotions she had suppressed.

If you are a natural giver, you might find it challenging at times to see the difference between your needs and the needs of those around you. It’s important to listen to your own feelings even inside your most intimate relationship.

This mantra helped Kate locate herself and listen to her own feelings inside her relationship.

The unraveling of two lives

What is it like to start over after years of living with your spouse?

Listen to the struggles Kate faces and how she finds agency to buy her own house, and pay her own bills.  After facing the seemingly impossible task of moving out, what is it like to set up her own home?

Relationship patterns you don’t want to repeat (and some you do)

How do you keep patterns in your last relationship from following you into your new relationship?

• Kate recommends you say “ouch” when you’re hurt. It’s a quick word with immediate feedback.
• Then  give attention to the things going well in your relationship by saying thank you.
• Last pattern not to repeat in your relationship: “I don’t want to give, give, give, and not allow my partner to give to me.”

Allow your partner to give to you

How do you learn to give space when you’re a giver?

Kate’s recommendation is to pause. “Pausing allows you to notice what you feel.”

It’s tempting to fill the space of the pause when you’re a giver. But when you give, give, give, you get resentful. Instead, pause. Notice yourself and make room for your partner to give to you.

Kate discusses how to pause without playing relationship games or being manipulative.

Kate reminds us all about the importance of caring for ourselves inside our relationships.

It’s easy to think about the importance of giving in a relationship. We all want to be giving as partners, friends, and lovers. But when we give to the detriment of ourselves, we create a unique hollowness inside our relationship.

Pausing to remember what you want helps you to keep your own tank filled and resentment at bay.

Do you ever struggle with locating your needs inside your relationship? What are your best tricks for keeping your self-care tank filled?

I’m collecting self-care tips for a future podcast episode and I’d love to hear yours. Please text me and let me know how you keep your self-care tank filled at 970-210-4480. I’d also be curious to hear how self-care (or the lack of it) impacts your relationship.