The Power of Noticing: Change Your Relationship when You Release Your Judgment

The power of noticing

Why is it you don’t see any pregnant people until you get pregnant? Then suddenly, there’s pregnant people everywhere?

Suddenly, there’s a new story you’re telling yourself. People get pregnant! OMG! What happens when you’re pregnant? And a whole new world of experience is suddenly available to you.

I remember riding in the car with my nieces and nephews and they kept pointing to cars and naming, “There’s a Plymouth Vista!” “There’s a Dodge Caravan!” I was like, how do these little kids know all these car names?

Then my sister enlightened me. “We’re driving in a Plymouth Vista. And our old car is a Dodge Caravan.” They’d just gotten a new car. Suddenly the world of cars was a big deal. But the only two cars they knew were their old car and their new car.

We are all like my nieces and nephews. Our world is filled with what is familiar to us: what do we have experience with.

It’s like pregnant people don’t exist until we’re pregnant, then all we notice is how many pregnant people populate the world.

We notice what we know.

Recently, I told you the story about when I first got dogs. I noticed what I knew:

• I noticed all the times I walked the dogs
• I noticed all the times I fed the dogs
• What I didn’t notice was all the ways my husband interacted with the dogs. This is because we tend to over-estimate our contributions and underestimate our partner’s contributions.

What I noticed led me to some very judgmental conclusions:

• I’m a good doggie mama
• My husband is a lousy doggie dad

Then I create identities around this “evidence” I’ve gathered and I tell myself a story:

• I’m good with the dogs.
• David neglects the dogs.

Armed with these identities of each of us, my filter for what I notice narrows and I only see ALL the walks I take with the dogs. ALL the times I’m cleaning up poop. ALL the times I’m bathing, feeding, and tending the dogs. And I see NONE of the times David is on dog duty.

My story gets longer. My judgments get stronger: I’m good. He’s bad.

How does this impact our relationship? Alienation and resentment.

I only see evidence that validates my story.

 

What if I could NOTICE a bigger world?

Remember my interview with Sarah and Chris in episode 41? Remember how Chris described Sarah’s Loving Lenses? Sarah had told herself the story that her husband was a wonderful man full of generous nature. So when he behaved in a way that was self-absorbed or mean, she didn’t see HER HUSBAND as a mean person. She noticed his behavior and said, “This isn’t consistent with the person I know.” She got curious.

She wondered what was happening in his life to illicit this uncharacteristic behavior. Her curiosity led her to see how stressed he was at work. That realization inspired compassion.

This is the power of NOTICING. Noticing WITHOUT judgment. Or noticing with a presumption of good intent.

What happens when you expand your ability to notice the world from a variety of points of view? What if I introduced my nieces and nephews to my Ford Aspire? Then they could recognize Plymouth Vistas, Dodge Caravans, AND Ford Aspires.

 

How can you notice the world you live in from your partner’s perspective as well as your own?

How would your relationship change if you were able to notice the dirty kitchen from your partner’s perspective as well as your own?

When we can only see our own experience, it’s much easier to find fault. “I’ve been so busy! I’ve left home before 7 and gotten home after 8 three days in a row. I haven’t had time to clean the kitchen…” Then we make a leap: “You should have cleaned the kitchen,” we say to our partner.

We say this because we imagine the life of our partner is free of conflict and full of rainbows. We’re sure they had tons of time and no responsibilities. We WANT a clean kitchen. A clean kitchen is GOOD. We see that our partner didn’t clean the kitchen and suddenly they are BAD.

It’s normal for us to want to tell the GOOD/BAD story because our lives are filled with stories of good vs evil narratives. Harry Potter is Good. Voldemort is Bad. Greta Thunberg’s activism is good. Polluting oil companies are bad. We are fed the good/bad binary choice all the time.

But life is full of complexities. When you can notice the world through your partner’s eyes as easily as through your own, you naturally grow curious of the complexities that arise.

When you’re able to see those complexities, you grow compassion. Compassion cultivates connection in your relationship. Judgment fosters alienation. Judgment closes doors. Compassion opens arms.

Why is compassion crucial in your relationship? Because when we repeat, repeat, repeat our own story, we get lonelier and lonelier. Each time I told myself I was the only one who took care of the dogs, I resented my husband a little bit more. That resentment made it easier to be angry with him.

But what happens when I try to notice that era of my life from David’s point of view? I remember him cautioning me about how much work a dog is. I can see him making allowances so I could have a dog. I see him enjoying me enjoying the dogs. I see his generosity.

I also notice how much it disrupts his peace each time the dogs burst out barking. I’m able to notice that getting one do—let alone two—wasn’t his first choice. I see how tolerant he is when the very concerns he voiced are the realities he’s living with.

Once I’m able to notice this more complex view of the world—without judgment of who’s right or who’s wrong—I’m able to appreciate all that David does do to welcome our dog-rich-lifestyle. I see my efforts differently: as my responsibility since I was the one who begged for the dogs to come into our home.

Where are you feeling frustrated with your partner?

• Are you upset about the unmade bed?
• Are you hangry every day when you get home and then you blame your partner for not taking their turn cooking?

What is the story you’re telling yourself about the bed? Or the cooking duty?

 

The internal dialogue that impacts your relationship

If you’re a client of mine, you will hear this refrain from me on a regular basis: “That’s good to notice.”

But what if we could broaden our capacity to notice just a little bit more than what is familiar to us?

We all have internal dialogue, we all make mistakes, and we all have internal dialogue about those mistakes. The internal dialogue is typically pretty nasty: “I’m a loser!” or “I suck at that.”

How does that internal dialogue impact your relationship? Well, the more gentle you are with yourself, the more gentle you’ll be able to be with your partner (and everyone else in your life). Conversely, the more you blame, shame, and find fault with yourself, the more fault you’ll find in your partner (and everyone else in your life).

If you’re a regular client of mine, you’ve heard me say, “Good to notice.” This is my way of inviting you to be less judgmental (of yourself and others), so that you can identify what you want to change, and then have the energy to change it.

When you spend your time feeding the fire of your judgmental thoughts, you steal energy from the part of you that can actually make changes.

Here’s some examples:

Where can you extend compassion? How can you offer yourself compassion? You’re tired! 3 long days in a row! Of course the kitchen is neglected. How can you offer your partner compassion? What may have kept your partner from getting to the dishes? Maybe you want to get take out tonight. Or eat cereal so there’s little mess and no fuss.

Maybe you can put on some music and have a dance party together as you clean the kitchen together. Maybe you agree the dishes will need to wait until the weekend.

Notice your tendency to create a good-guy-bad-guy narrative to describe your conflict. How can you remove the judgment and simply see the complexity of blending two people’s lives? How does your connection change as a result of your changed narrative?