Do you hide your heart in the precise moment you want to be loved? We’ve all done it: the Protective Defensive Maneuver or PDM.
It might look like this, “You never initiate sex.”
Can you feel the longing for connection hiding in that statement? You love your partner. You’re even hot for them. All that wanting makes you vulnerable. And that vulnerability makes you wonder, “Does my partner want me as much as I want them?”
Yikes! So exposed!
Protective, Defensive Maneuvers (PDM’s)
So, instead of snuggling up to your sweetheart’s backside, you protect that part of you that fears rejection, “You never initiate sex.” Accusation rather than a connection. You roll over to prove it. Fully protected.
Except, here’s the funny thing: When your partner responds defensively to that statement, you feel abandoned. All alone.
But look at it from your partner’s point of view: you just called them a lousy lover. Never enough. We all know what it feels like to back away from a person who thinks we’ll never be enough.
Instead of the connection you longed for, you’re even more alienated. Which inspires you to reach for another Protective Defensive Maneuver.
You grab your pillow and walk to the living room to sleep on the couch alone. Again.
Permission to Drop the Mask (A different PDM)
Protective Defensive Maneuvers are the masks we wear to avoid pain. But intimacy begins when we give ourselves Permission to Drop the Mask.
What would happen if, instead of “You never initiate sex,” you said, “I’m hurt. Can I have your Permission to Drop my Mask?” That sends a signal to your partner that you’re tempted to go into Protective Defensive Maneuvers, but you want connection instead of alienation.
Just that request, “Do I have your permission?” raises the awareness that you’re hurting. Unlike the shove of “You never …” this PDM alerts your partner. Which ignites their compassion for you. Tenderness follows.
Same three letters. Totally different vibe.
Instead of the shove of “Should” try inviting with “Would”
Sometimes your PDM’s that mean to be protective are sneaky and sly. I have a blog post about the word, “should.” Read it here to discover how the simple word should can become a Protective Defensive Maneuver.
Can you see how your Protective Defensive Maneuver is creating distance and making you lonelier?
I asked ChatGPT for other PDM’s that could be facilitative rather than protective. It gave me lots. Here’s my favorite three:
Pause. Disarm. Move-toward.
Just the thought of your partner turns you on. But that’s scary! Instead of letting your fear run the show, you Pause. You Disarm your fear by whispering to yourself, “This is the person who chose me too. I’m safe here.” So you Move toward your lover, wrap your arm around their shoulder and cover their back in kisses.
Practice Deliberate Openness
What would happen if, when you felt like saying, “You never initiate sex” or even as mild as “We should go out with friends this weekend” What would happen if you Practiced Deliberate Openness. It might sound more like, “I love being with you in public. I like showing you off and I love the way you look at me when we’re with other people. It’s like you’re saying, ‘That’s my woman.’”
Presenting the Deeper Me
I like this PDM because it’s permission for a redo when you’ve at first used Protective Defensive Maneuvers. “Presenting the Deeper Me,” is a way of apologizing for the PDM you used to keep yourself safe.
Here’s a sample script for you to borrow:
I did it again. I hit you with a Protective Defensive Maneuver when what I really wanted was to draw close to you. I’m learning. So here I am Presenting the Deeper Me: When I get close to you something deep inside of me freezes up. I bet that makes you confused. Or worse: imagining I don’t want you around.
I want to try again. Could we go out for a nice dinner and then…you know…let things flow from there?
My dream for your relationship is that you would know that you are safe right now today. You are so beautiful. You’re so tender and loving. And I want you to feel the love. It’s waiting for you, right on the opposite side of those Protective Defensive Maneuvers. Will you ask for Permission to Drop the Mask and Present the Deeper Me?
I’d love to hear what your unique PDM is. What protective defensive maneuver have you spotted in yourself because of listening to this podcast today? How do you want to turn the PDM of protection into letters that spell permission for you and your sweetheart today? Text me at 970-210-4480 and tell me your version of PDM.
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