Tiny Habits, Big Payoff: The Power of What You Don’t See

How do you balance the needs of you and your partner as individuals with the needs of your relationship?

One of the most common conundrums to face my clients is that they take for granted what they already have. We all do this as humans.

• You feel safe in your relationship. So, you think you’ll always feel safe. You stop wanting safety.
• You feel attracted to your partner. So, you think you’ll always feel attracted. You stop pursuing your partner, because you already have them.
• You feel supported by your partner. So, you think you’ll always be supported. You stop asking for what you need.

What we HAVE we take for granted. But it can slip away. The reason you have something you value in your relationship is that you cultivated it. You created that. When you stop cultivating or recreating, you can lose that thing that now feels like part of the fabric of your lives.

Maybe you’ve already experienced this loss. You and your partner are missing the spark of electricity. Or, worse, you’re actively agitated by your partner.

What happens when you stop actively cultivating your relationship?

Let’s compare this phenomenon in your relationship to something very mundane: tooth brushing.

What if you stopped brushing your teeth? I mean, seriously, you’ve brushed your teeth for what? 25 years? 40 years? If you’ve been alive for 25 years, you’ve brushed your teeth 9,125 days! If you brush twice a day, that’s more than 18,000 brushings! Surely that’s enough!

Surely, now, you can stop brushing, right?

When I make this argument, you think I’m ridiculous.

Of course you’re going to continue brushing your teeth! Every day!

But I notice a similar phenomenon in relationship communication. In the beginning years, you can’t wait to say hello to your partner when you come home. You’ve been apart 9 whole hours, and you’re dying to have your partner in your arms again. There are kisses, and how-was-your-day’s exchanged.

And then…years later when you’ve been holding your baby all day long who screams when you put her down, instead of a welcome home kiss at the door when your partner comes home, you shove the baby at your partner, turn around and run upstairs, craving a moment—just a moment—when you can go to the bathroom all. By. Yourself.

 

You’d never neglect to brush your teeth…

…but those tiny moments that maintain the relationship we have and value—like that precious hello—disappear. Because all you’ve wanted—all day—was to go to the bathroom alone.

This is when your need as an individual—like bathroom privacy—conflicts with a need for your relationship—like a tender and welcoming hello.

Maybe for you, it isn’t caring for a baby. Maybe the reason your hello disappeared is because of pressures at work. Or pressures of extended family. Or you simply have forgotten that the hello moment is fundamental to creating the intimacy you crave.

Let’s imagine what would happen if you stopped brushing your teeth. And I do mean stopped.

• Bacteria would build up rapidly hardening into tartar causing severe bad breath.
• Cavities would form, eventually turning into deep infections.
• Your gums would inflame, and then recede, causing your teeth to loosen, and some of your teeth would even fall out.

I bet, at this moment, you’re particularly glad you brush your teeth, right? Like EVERY DAY. And you don’t even notice it. It’s such a habit you can’t consider leaving the house without brushing them.

 

Your non-negotiable relationship habit can become as instinctual as brushing your teeth

You brush your teeth because you care about your hygiene. You don’t want to be the toothless smiler and you hate pain. You don’t want to need a root canal or walk around like Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man.

How is it we know—know beyond a shadow of a doubt—that brushing our teeth is worth it? But we don’t remember the tiny habits that maintain our relationship?

Today I’m gonna make it easier for you to find a non-negotiable habit for your relationship—like brushing your teeth.

Once that relationship habit becomes as non-negotiable as tooth brushing, you won’t ever let yourself neglect it again.

Your relationship will improve when you’re aware of your “big rocks”

To help you find your non-negotiable habit, I’m going to tell you 2 stories about rocks.

The first story comes from author and habit guru, Stephen Covey. Dr. Covey was standing in front of a large audience and he had next to him a fishbowl and a pile of big rocks with words written on them—words like health, family, personal goals.

He also had a big container of gravel and next to the container of gravel, he had a vase of water.

Into the fishbowl, he poured the water. Then he poured the gravel. At this point, the fishbowl was 2/3 full. Next, he grabbed the first big rock—that said “health”—and put it into the fishbowl, shoving it down. He did the same with the next two rocks—“family,” and “Work.” By this point, the fishbowl is full, and if he shoves another rock in, all the water is going to begin to leak out.

But there are many rocks still on the table: rocks that say, “hang out in nature,” and “write the book you’ve been dreaming about.”

He asks “The how are we gonna get these remaining rocks into the fishbowl?”

So he begins again with an empty fishbowl, putting the big rocks in first, putting the gravel in next and shaking the fishbowl such that the gravel makes its way around all the big rocks. And then finally pouring the water over the whole thing.

Miraculously everything fits.

 

What are the big rocks in your relationship?

This has been a metaphor that our culture has used over and over in productivity experiments. The message is to identify the big rocks in your life and make sure they go in first.

When I’ve used this metaphor with clients, I help them to name all their big rocks. Just the practice of noticing what’s MOST important to you, is a great practice.

What is most important to you when it comes to your relationship? And, I’m guessing here, that the most important thing is something you already have. Or you had it and then lost it.

Maybe it’s the companionship you feel with your partner? Maybe it’s the feeling that you have a reliable teammate for all the hard stuff in life. Maybe it’s the chemistry you and your partner share.

Do you have something in mind? That critical element of your marriage that connects you to your partner?

I’m going to suggest that this something you’ve just identified is one of your big rocks. The problem is that we forget to keep noticing something or WANTING something that we already have. So we forget to make room for it. We forget to identify it as a big rock.

 

The tiny things take up time too

Now let’s look at the gravel that Dr. Covey poured to fit around all those big rocks. What is written on those rocks?

These are the things so tiny and so foundational to life that we don’t notice them. We don’t have to THINK about putting them on our list or into our fishbowl. The first 14 pieces of gravel have the words “brush your teeth” written on them. But the pieces of gravel are so tiny, that you can’t see those words. You just have to know what they say.

The gravel stands for the invisible moments in our lives that take up space in the fishbowl that is our life.

What is important to notice is that there are dozens and dozens of these moments in your life that are as non-negotiable to your daily health as brushing your teeth. Other pieces of gravel say things like:

• Eat food
• Prepare that food (or, if you don’t prepare it, you need time to go get that food.)
• Shop for the ingredients that will allow you to make that food

Another category of gravel is: Get dressed. This might also include things like:

• Choose your clothes
• Take a shower before getting dressed
• Put lotion on or brush your hair

These things take time.

And, Sweet Friends, these things aren’t optional.

But how much time?

I just asked ChatGPT to help me estimate how much of our day is filled with these pieces of gravel and CHATGPT estimate that 4-7 HOURS of our day goes to these sorts of things. Invisible hours we need to do the things that keep us living our lives. Want a list of these things?

• Personal hygiene
• Eating and food prep
• Household maintenance
• Commuting
• Checking messages
• Waiting in line

I just want to ask you, when you’ve made a list of things you want to accomplish in a day, have you EVER put “waiting in line” on that list?

Of course not! But you punish yourself because you can’t fit everything in that you want.

Likewise, have you ever put “brush your teeth” onto your to-do list? Probably not. Because brushing your teeth is an invisible habit. You don’t have to put it onto your list to get yourself to brush your teeth.

Today, we’re looking for that invisible habit that supports your relationship the way brushing your teeth supports your hygiene.

Remember that self-compassion is key

Part of my goal with today’s episode is to help you be more gentle with yourself. To help you be more realistic about why it’s SO HARD to fit those big rocks in. It’s because, although it’s a great teaching tool for Dr. Covey to ask us to put the big rocks in first and THEN put the gravel of our lives in afterward, the truth is more complicated.

The truth is that from the moment you wake up, little pieces of gravel are filling your daily fishbowl. Putting on a bathrobe. Going to the toilet. Making your coffee.

I definitely believe it’s important to identify your big rocks.

I also believe that your life is filled with gravel that won’t wait to jump into your fishbowl. Gravel happens, Friends.

Let’s talk about the water

I like to imagine the water on Dr. Covey’s demonstration table as your state of mind, or your well-being.

Some days you wake up with a headache. Or, you don’t even sleep well and waking up is just the reality of giving up that you’re going to get a good night’s sleep.

You’re going to operate differently on a day when you have a headache than you are on a day when you’re well rested and you feel great.

And guess what…your life is washed in of both kinds of days. Let’s think of the short list of water moments that add to or subtract from your state of well-being.

• Family or political drama.
• Illness like the flu or something long lasting like MS.
• Money. Are you feeling flush? Or living paycheck to paycheck?

These things wash over every rock or piece of gravel in the fishbowl that is your life. And this *water* flavors your days. Some flavors of water—like a good night’s sleep, or having plenty of money to buy the groceries on your shopping list—help you to give more attention to the big rocks of your life.

But other flavors of water—like a persistent conflict with your partner, or back pain—make it nearly impossible to pay attention to the big ideas.

If your days are flavored with a gentle kiss from your partner, and a calm start to your day, you’ll probably have room for more rocks than if your days are flavored with tension in your morning kitchen and a snide comment as you leave for work.

How do you choose your big rocks?

The message Dr. Covey offers us is profound: Identify the big rocks—the most important things—in your life. And make room for those things.

It’s a great idea except for one thing: I have many clients who have far more big rocks than will fit into the fishbowl. How do you choose your biggest rocks? And how do you treat yourself kindly, not asking yourself to shove too many big rocks into your life?

Now I’m gonna tell you about a second rock story and this one is attributed to Sam Walton. Sam Walton takes this example from Stephen Covey, and names this phenomenon that we all have far more big rocks then we can fit in the fishbowl in the first place.

Sam Walton invites us to identify the big rocks. In fact, identify all the big rocks in your life until you have a list of 20 or 30 (or even a hundred) big rocks that are calling to you.

Things that are important for you to do and your life won’t feel complete until you’ve done them.

 

I see people with things on their big rock list:

• Family dinners
• A vacation to the Bahamas
• Build a rocking chair for your granddaughter

I had write a book on my list for a LONG time…and now you can buy that book—called 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication!

OK, back to Sam Walton, who obviously was able to identify his big rocks and take action to make them a part of his life. He offers the perspective that you can’t possibly cram all the big rocks from your list into your fishbowl. And if you do, you’re gonna break that bowl.

Instead, he suggests that you make a list of the biggest rocks in your life. List out every single big rock that really matters to you.

After you’ve made that list, Sam Walton recommends you take the first five things to put into your fishbowl and then you actively AVOID the remaining rocks.

What?! But they are your big rocks! Your most important, precious dreams!

And.

You can’t fit them all.

Sam Walton’s point is that nothing threatens the safety of your fishbowl like a big, huge rock you really, really want to cram in.

But when you shove…you break the bowl.

Consequently, Mr. Walton doesn’t just recommend prioritizing the first 5 rocks. He warns: be aware of that rock #6 because it’s gonna threaten your ability to focus on rocks 1-5.

This is such a great parable to help us understand why we begin to neglect our relationship. All those other rocks are beckoning to you. And you already HAVE a great relationship, so you reach for rock #6. But what you fail to realize is that now that most important rock—your relationship!—no longer fits in the fishbowl of your life.

 

How to avoid your 6th rock

Can I tell you my favorite example of what it looks like to AVOID your 6th rock?

My husband is the one who introduced me to Sam Walton‘s update on the rocks and the fishbowl.

My husband’s not typically the one to initiate a discussion about priorities. I’m the life coach in this relationship and it shocked me when he said, “I have this productivity hack I found that’s really helping me.” What?! So I was really leaning in when he was talking to me about this. And I asked him how it had made a difference in his life.

He told me about his first five things. I knew those were important to him things like exercise and spending time with his family.

And the Aha for my husband came when he realized the sixth spot on the list was to build a rocking chair for his granddaughter. Remember what Sam Walton recommended? Actively avoid the things below your cut off. The rocking chair was in spot #6 where he should be actively avoiding it.

 

The mental toll of focusing on too much

Prior to this realization, my husband almost had time for building the chair, but not quite. So each day he would have this mental weight on his shoulders. If you really organized your time better you would be out there building that rocking chair.

Or sometimes the voice sounded like you’re never gonna get the rocking chair done so you must not really care about your granddaughter.

But as soon as he began to actively AVOID building the rocking chair, he noticed a big change in his mental state. He stopped feeling like a failure. He stopped feeling like he couldn’t manage his time well.

Instead, he realized how good he was at the first five things and getting them done. He was a dedicated worker. He exercised daily. And he was a great husband. Identifying that sixth spot helped him to see that there were things that he longed to do but he just didn’t have time for in this stage of his life.

Now. That was six months ago and my husband’s work life has changed. He is no longer working so many hours. This work was in his spot number 4. Now that the work that was in spot number 4 went away, he has time for number six to become number five. He’s been out there in his shop a number of days working on the rocking chair making progress.

 

Which big rocks fit with this season of your life?

Do you know this gorgeous song that’s taken from a passage in Ecclesiastes for everything turn turn turn. There is a season. A time to be born, a time to die…a time to plant, a time to reap.

There’s a season for everything in life, but often times we want all of the seasons at the same time. And when we do that, we kill the thing that’s trying to come into our life in this season.

Many of you are raising young kids. This is a very demanding season of life. It takes so much of your time and attention to care for those little humans that you may not have time to do some of the other things that are important to you.

And because you’re waist deep in care for those little kids, diapers, and popsicles you might forget that right now you’re still brushing your teeth. Every day. Or at least, almost every day.

 

Find the invisible habits that sustain you

Our task today is two-fold: find that invisible piece of gravel habit that will create a connection point for your relationship so that even when things are crazy busy, you’re still doing the equivalent of brushing your teeth; keeping your relationship healthy.

The other task for today is to notice what’s in position #6 in your life right now.

When we do something every day it becomes a little bit invisible and we wonder why we can’t fit more in, but just like you wouldn’t want to neglect brushing your teeth you don’t wanna neglect this moment that is serving this season of your life. Your current season of life might be about raising young children, or launching a business, or caring for an elderly parent.

 

Make space for your big rocks

I’m going to ask you again to think about those most important things—your biggest rocks—that are taking up your time and energy in this season of life.

Here’s my question for you: if your fishbowl is so full that you don’t have time to brush your teeth, you would suddenly realize there was a problem and you would reevaluate those rocks fitting into the fishbowl because hello! Brushing your teeth cannot be neglected. It’s not optional.

We get so focused on the new rocks we want to have in our life that we forget that the rocks that are already in our life take up space. We don’t want to give them that space. In fact, we even kind of resent the space they’re taking up.

Until.

Until we don’t have them anymore.

And when you stop saying a tender hello to your partner, that’s when the teeth fall out of your relationship.

 

The BIG impact small habits have on your relationship

I told you three stories today: one about FINDING your big rocks. Another story about the importance of AVOIDING all but the biggest, more important rocks. And, finally, I told you how that works in practice when I told you about my husband, the rocking chair, and the 6th rock.

Neglecting the small daily habits in a relationship—like appreciation, listening, and affection—doesn’t seem disastrous at first. But over time, resentment, emotional distance, and unspoken frustrations harden like tartar. Small issues turn into deep relational decay, making repair much harder and more painful.

Just like brushing your teeth takes only two minutes but prevents years of damage, consistent micro-habits—checking in, expressing gratitude, or offering a kind touch—keep your relationship healthy and strong.

Here’s an example:

As you search for your equivalent to that habit of toothbrushing that keeps your relationship shiny and inviting, don’t be surprised if you have lost that habit. This is common. But really important to notice.

You might also find that you don’t agree about what that toothbrushing equivalent is for each of you. My husband needs a hug. I am more a words of affirmation type person. This is why we have our tender hello. He feels most connected to me when we hug. I have that need to “check in verbally” and know that all is well.

 

How can you combine the needs you each have?

It might help you to back up and each consider what helps YOU to feel connected to your partner. Everything is fair game.

You could use the three roles inside your relationship for a bit of guidance. Do you connect most profoundly and reliably as Partners? Friends? Or Lovers?

If you reliably connect as Partners, a little financial check-in might help. What did you spend today? Remember that the Partner Role is where you and your partner achieve together so you feel like you’re on the same TEAM.

If you reliably connect as Friends, the hello habit might work well for you. Or you could try a question like What was your high/low for the day? When you and your partner tell each other your high point and your low point for the day, that fosters the understanding and sense of belonging that is unique to the Friend Role in your relationship.

If it’s the Lover Role that connects you most reliably, you’ll want to find a habit that awakens your electricity. The Lover Role in your relationship makes you each feel wanted, and this helps your confidence to soar.

 

When you connect through the lover role

Habits that keep Lovers connected might require more than the 2 minutes it takes to brush your teeth. I know a couple who swear their attraction is built on the basketball court. They are highly competitive and they both love the physicality and aerobic requirements of the game.

Because it’s unrealistic to think they’d get to the community center for a pick-up game every single day, they made a daily habit of smack talk. When one of them says, “I’m gonna crush you on Thursday,” it’s like ringing a bell of connection. Another couple takes a more traditional path, promising to say some version of “Damn! You’re so good lookin’,” each day.

Here’s an example:

What will help you make this habit so ingrained that you’d feel weird leaving the house without practicing your habit? It would be completely bizarre at my house if I left and didn’t say goodbye to David.

When you’re able to make your tender hello or your basketball court smack talk as routine as brushing your teeth, you won’t need to worry about big rocks or small rocks.

The habit that maintains your relationship health will fit into the fishbowl of your life whether you’ve got a pile of rocks you can’t seem to prioritize or your fishbowl is overflowing with the watery gush of sickness, overwhelm, or just a bad night of sleep.

How about you?

I am curious about the 2-minute care that feels foundational to your relationship. If you are willing, I’d love to get a text from you at 970-210-4480 telling me about the success you’ve had planting this habit into that daily pile of gravel that fills your days.