Which Kind of Fun Flavors Your Relationship?

Fun has different flavors.

In The Cat in the Hat, Dr. Seuss says, “It’s fun to have fun, but you have to know how.”

Nothing kills a fun time faster than someone who doesn’t really want to be there. When you know what’s fun for you, you can titrate the fun you have with your partner by sometimes doing things together and other times you can cut your partner loose to have their own kind of fun so you can do the same.

Listen as I describe some types of fun and think about yourself. Do you like this type of fun? Does your partner? Who do you know that thinks this flavor of fun is fun? Who do you know that thinks this flavor of fun is yucky?

Let’s talk through the elements of fun.

And, as we talk about fun, I want to review my number one rule for relationship happiness: Stay in your own business.

The single most important habit for a healthy marriage is to stay in your own business. The problem is most of us don’t do this. Instead, you’re habitually in your spouse’s business, wondering what they could do better. Or you’re wondering why your spouse is ruining your happiness.

When you stay in your own business, you FEEL the fun. When you’re not in your own business—say you’re wondering if your partner is having fun—your attention is diverted. You can’t feel your own fun because you’re worried about someone else’s fun. Fun is better when you stay in your body, feel your own feels, and let your partner see your happiness.

Happiness, after all, is contagious.

 

Fall into the Flow

One of my favorite types of fun is to get into The Flow. You know you’re In the Flow when your sense of time evaporates and hours have gone by and you didn’t even notice.

I’ll describe a couple times when I’ve been In the Flow. But what I really want to know about is when have YOU been In the Flow?

I get in the flow when I’m collecting rocks. I could look at rocks forever and ever. I love picking rocks up. I love stacking rocks and sorting rocks and putting rocks into my car to take home or unloading rocks from my car to put into my garden.

I remember when my son was 10-years old and I’d pile up rocks next to him so he could throw them into the water. I would do that all day long.

I love any activity that invites me to look at the shape of rocks or the color variations on those rocks.

Do you love rocks as much as I do? If you’re not the rock-aficionado that I am, what would you look at over and over? What would you pick up and put down or make stacks of to take home with you?

There’s another way that I love to get Into the Flow: I love a good puzzle. The puzzles I mostly engage with involve writing. I pose a question to myself, or a client or a listener will ask me a question and then I love falling into the flow of puzzling out that question.

I watch other people do actual puzzles and find a similar flow state. I see this puzzle mindset during games. What is the goal? How do I achieve it? What are the best strategies?

I love identifying all the elements of a puzzle to be solved whether that is sorting the edge pieces of an actual puzzle or understanding the strategies to win a game. There is a sharpness required to concentrate, and that’s what allows me to fall Into the Flow.

How about you? Do you like puzzles and riddles and games? Which are your favorite? What are the puzzles you most love to solve? When do you tire of a puzzle?

Getting Into the Flow is a wonderful way to have fun. But everyone’s flow is different. It’s no fun to create a fabulous new tablescape with someone who’d rather be outside digging in the garden. So shout out about what puts you Into the Flow and what kills your vibe.

If your partner wants to spend three hours braiding bread dough into a fabulous loaf and you’d rather build The Starship Enterprise out of Legos, tell your partner that you’ll set up on the table and they can have the whole kitchen counter to themself and you can both get Into the Flow side by side.

Side by side can be tons of fun.

 

Bolt of Joy

Another flavor of fun is to inject a Bolt of Joy into your life. You know you’re experiencing a Bolt of Joy when the moment is lighting you up on the inside. When you can’t stop smiling or when your body feels tingly and bright.

I experience a Bolt of Joy when I’m singing. Or dancing. Sometimes I have to get past the embarrassment that someone else is listening or watching, but once I can get past that feeling of self-consciousness, I feel that yellow brightness illuminate my insides and come out my voice or dancing toes.

Right now I’m most often singing to my grandchildren. We sing silly songs with movement like Head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes or The Itsy Bitsy Spider went up the water spout.

But recently my husband and I were camping and we sat at the fire, staring at the coals singing. We sang John Denver songs and James Taylor songs and songs from musicals we love. It was a red-coal deep burning Bolt of Joy I felt at the fire whereas the songs with my grandchildren are more like the yellow innocence of a sunflower.

What about you? When do you feel a red-coal bolt of joy? How about an innocent yellow bolt of joy?

Do you love dancing at a party? Never hesitant to look like a fool, I will often be the first one on the dance floor. I love moving by myself, but it’s even better if someone will come dance with me. Dancing gives me a Bolt of Joy because I feel like I’m falling into the music.

My Bolt of Joy increases when I see someone else letting the music take them somewhere. And then together we’re swaying to the music, or bouncing up and down.

What makes you experience a Bolt of Joy? Does music and dancing do it for you? Or maybe you love a comedy club where the jokes surprise you. Maybe you love being beside the pool and someone surprises you and pushes you in. Maybe your Bolt of Joy is electrified because of a surprise or a sense that you’re somehow breaking the rules.

We’ve talked about Falling into the Flow and A Bolt of Joy types of fun. Now let’s talk about a third type of fun: contentment.

 

Contentment

Contentment is almost like the opposite of a Bolt of Joy. Except the feelings are both wonderful. Contentment is quiet fun felt deep inside. If a Bolt of Joy is yellow, then Contentment is blue or lavender. You know you’re experiencing Contentment when you feel that deep sigh of ease reach from the top of your head all the way to the tips of your toes. Everything inside you relaxes.

Contentment is one of my favorite ways to have fun, but it might be the most elusive for me. Whereas, if I had to guess, I bet my husband lives in an almost constant state of Contentment.

Recently, my husband was laying down on our living room rug to stretch. I laid down next to him and stretched as well. Then we stopped stretching and just continued to lay there. Silent.

I felt my breath move in and out. In and out.

I felt David’s stillness next to me.

There was no agenda. There was only our togetherness and the gravity that held us to the earth.

A blue sprinkle of safety filled the air we shared. A tiny tear came into my eye because I felt that blanket of love we have for each other. I felt the purity of permission to say nothing, but feel so much.

I often cry when I feel Contentment wash over me because it is so filled with unconditional love. My go to way to live in the world is to strive. Strive to communicate better. Strive to understand what eludes me. Strive to find the perfect fullness for a water balloon.

Because I’m always striving, I am verklempt when all is ease, permission, and acceptance.

Maybe my favorite kind of fun is to feel Contentment, but I would say it’s the way to have fun I’m least practiced at.

How about you? What allows Contentment to wash over you? When have you been bathed in it? Are you more often the one to invite a moment of Contentment? Or do you need someone to create the Contented Space for you to crawl into?

 

Fidgeting

This next way to have fun isn’t for everyone: Fidgeting. You’ll know you’re having fun fidgeting when you’re moving your body and you either feel a layer of stuff shake off your body or a bubbling of wonderfulness begin to fill your body.

Fidgeting is my go-to fun. It’s the daily fun I’m most practiced at and it puts me back together over and over all day.

If I notice I’m feeling blah, I’ll go wash the dishes. Washing the dishes is fun? I hear you saying, but for me, that movement, the running water, and the luscious feeling of accomplishment are surefire, fun ways to shift my mood from grey to bright.

Exercise is the surest fidgeting way to have fun for me. Last week my husband took me on a really hard bike ride where the hill was so steep that I had to get off my bike and push it about a mile. Up hill.

Again, that probably doesn’t sound fun, right? And that’s what I thought as I’m pushing my bike and I’m out of breath and this isn’t a bike ride, Dave, it’s a slog thoughts are going through my head. I was thinking all of this when my husband called over his shoulder, “Type II fun, Darlin’”

And that’s when I thought I would bonk him.

But when he asked if I wanted to turn around, I said no, because I’d been looking forward to this bike ride and I wanted to get to the top where we could see The Crystal River Mill, a famous Colorado landmark.

It was hard and breathless and bumpy and more technical than I really like for another hour or more of riding, and then the trail eased up. From then on it was a gentle ascent up through aspen tree forests and then, suddenly, we were there! The Crystal River Mill.

The river was pounding. The mountains were soaring. The waterfalls falling.

And I was thrilled. Endorphins flooded my body with good-juice chemicals and I was so proud of myself for doing the hard ride (that was sometimes a walk-pushing-a-bike). This happiness recipe is elusive because it’s not always fun in the moment, but then there’s a breakthrough and the slog gives way to elation and it’s really, really fun.

Do you like Type II Fun? When have you felt the slog or that breathless feeling followed by elation? Does fidgeting—with the dishes, or the laundry, or even a short walk—put you back together when you’re blah or sad or even mad?

 

Something messy

When my kids were growing up, I hosted a party called Decadent Day. It was a day filled with treats and water fights. One time all that water found its way to a mud pit and a group of high school girls dove in and covered each other with mud. They painted each other’s bodies with mud, and they painted their own bodies with mud, and they were obviously having fun.

You’ll know you’re having messy fun when it’s dirty. I would hate to be painted in mud, but no one could deny how much those girls loved it.

I’m not beyond messy fun, however. I like the mess of scissors and glue and scraps of gorgeous paper everywhere. I like the mess of a flour-covered kitchen. I even like the mess of camping in the dirt.

“Rebecca,” you might be wondering, “if you like the dirt of camping, why don’t you like mud?” And I’ll tell you why: because mud is sticky. I don’t like things that are sticky. This is an important distinction because you may or may not like sticky mud, sticky cotton candy, or sticky situations.

This is one of those details that really helps you know what flavor of fun you like to have. Camping dirt, for the most part, brushes off. Mud sticks.

When you find your particular flavor of fun, you can dive all in like those high school girls at my Decadent Day party.

Some people like fun that makes their insides feel messy, like a rollercoaster or a scary movie. Other people like to catch their fun and will wade into a scum-covered-pond to catch bugs. My 11-year-old grandson leaps to mind.

These sensual flavors of fun turn out to be a big distinction. I had a husband come into my office and say, “My wife used to be fun. Now she’s boring.” And when we dug a little deeper, I discovered that his wife is weary of getting spit up on all day and wearing shirts that wreak of sour milk.

That woman used to enjoy the stickier side of messy fun, but now she can’t escape all those overwhelming sensual smells and she just wants a shower and a whole hour when her clothes smell fresh-out-of-the-dryer clean.

Messy fun changes with stages of life. Give your partner grace. Get into your own kind of messy fun. Another season of life will come round.

 

Something clean

The last kind of fun I’ll talk about today is something clean. You’ll know you’re having clean fun when something in your life that was once a disaster zone is now clean, tidy, and organized. Not unlike Type II Fun, turning something from disaster zone into Marie-Kondo-Perfection has a moment of ugh and overwhelm.

But the end result? AHHHHHH! There is nothing like the relief that come from converting what was once overwhelming into something that is not only under control but actually inspirational. The transition from pandemonium into peacefulness also reorganizes all the chaos in your brain.

One of my favorite birthdays was spent tidying our messy garage. “You want to clean the garage for your birthday?” my husband quizzed me.

Yes. Cleaning the garage is precisely my kind of fun.

That year, for my birthday, we took everything out of the garage and got rid of the detritus. We wiped every surface and boxed up all the mayhem. Not only did I sweep out the dirt, but I mopped the concrete floor. Some of you have pristine garages and this will not surprise you, but I had not ever mopped my garage prior to that moment.

If you want to give me a good time, you’ll help me clean up a messy space.

All that spaciousness I saw in the garage opened up some sort of freedom in my brain. It unlocked vital energy I was missing. The drag of the dirt was gone. Each time I walked into that spiffy garage I got a lift.

That tidied up garage was happiness fuel for months.

But you don’t have to clean a whole garage to get that feeling. Anytime I want the fun of a clean lift, I pull out all the silverware and wipe the drawer down before putting it all back.

I change out my toothbrush. I vacuum behind the bookshelf.

What is the clean fun you want to tackle? What spot in your life is silently bringing you down and, if you were to tend to it, you’d get a rocket boost of energy?

Is it your car? Your desk? That stash of unused cords? What will it take for you to enjoy some clean fun?

On my garage-cleaning-birthday I bought special sparkling drinks and made my favorite sandwiches which at the time was ham, avocado, and lots and lots of mayo. We blasted Michael Jackson from the portable speaker and I moon-walked as I carried out old cardboard boxes.

Clean fun can be its own reward. Its own joy. But if you’re struggling to begin, add in something extra like sparkly drinks, twinkle lights, or a friend seated there with nothing to do but keep you company.

Here’s an example:

The first step is to identify the specifics of what makes it fun for you. I love singing, but sometimes I have to get past the idea that someone is listening before I can actually let myself have fun. That’s about staying in my own business, right? What makes it fun for ME? Rather than worrying if it’s fun for anyone else.

The second step is to identify the sensual particulars of your type of fun. Do you like it sticky, messy, or Type II where you’re pushing your bike uphill? Or is your fun freshly showered, linen napkins, and classical music on the surround-sound?

You can’t get it wrong unless you step outside of your own body to worry if someone else is having fun. Stay in your own business. Feel your own preferences. Give yourself what you want.

And, if your partner wants to join you? Great! Have fun together. But if your partner doesn’t like this particular flavor of fun, have your fun without your partner.

Find a friend. Or jump into fun solo.

Your relationship will be all lit up because you’ll return to your partner energized and glowing.

I want to know about your unique flavor of fun. What’s your recipe?

Here’s a script you can borrow from if you want to invite your partner to join you:

“Hey partner. I want to have some fun. And I have a very specific type of fun in mind. I’d love to have you join me, but only if you think it would be fun as well. Can I tell you about my idea”

Then let your partner know that it’s OK if they don’t think your idea of fun is fun. You’ll have more fun if the person who joins you for your flavor of fun thinks it’s fun as well.

I’ve had many people tell me about how much they love their partner, but they prefer their partner not join them for certain kinds of fun. “I’ll have more fun if I don’t worry about my partner who isn’t having fun,” they tell me.

I know precisely what they mean.

Here’s a script you can borrow from if you want to let your partner know you’d like to have fun without them:

“Hey partner. I want to have some fun. And the specific type of fun I have in mind has not appealed to you in the past. Rather than make you suffer through my sort of fun, I’d like to go with someone else. I wanted to let you know because I like you to have fun that’s fun for you. I love the way you come home to me all lit up inside. I want to do the same. So, I’m taking Saturday to go have my fun. Would you be willing to be with the kids or should we try to find a sitter?”

You don’t want to make your partner responsible for all your fun. And you don’t want to make your partner responsible for all the household obligations so you can have your fun.

This week, have a discussion with your partner that solves the responsibilities piece of it so you can both enjoy the flavor of fun that is fun for you.

I love to be included in your life. What flavor of fun appeals most to you? What didn’t I name that makes you light up? Text me and let me know. 970-210-4480.