How do you and your partner share the ick that comes with living life?
If you loved me…you’d eat my sh*t sandwich. We got this map from our parents who were willing to change our diaper, clean up our messes, and cook all our meals. But this expectation—that true love=eating life’s sh*t sandwiches—will surely kill your romance.
Today, we discuss sh*t sandwiches and how they can pollute your relationship:
- I’ll define the term and help you see why they’re unavoidable to some degree
- I’ll give you the reasons you wish your partner would eat those that really belong to you
- And I’ll give you a date night discussion to help you and your partner identify the sh*t sandwiches in your relationship as well as a habit to help you make them go down easier
Warning: today’s episode includes repetition of a word that may not be suitable for young ears. If you’re listening with your little one, consider ear buds, or waiting for a later time.
So, what is a sh*t sandwich?
Liz Gilbert, who wrote Eat, Pray, Love also wrote a book called Big Magic. In that book she tells the story of how she knew she was destined to be a writer.
She was sitting across the table from a colleague, who was complaining about reaching out to agents and following up with publishers. She felt herself say, “I’ll do that. I’ll take that job.”
Liz Gilbert didn’t love reaching out to agents and publishers either, but she saw it as a necessary task to get the thing she did want: a life as a writer. She calls these sorts of tasks sh*t sandwiches because you want the bread of the career, but that career comes with some unpleasant fillings.
A sh*t sandwich. I love the term because it describes so much of life. We want to eat healthy, so we eat the sh*t sandwich of shopping carefully for clean ingredients. We want a beautiful home, so we eat the sh*t sandwich of cleaning the kitchen.
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Sh*t sandwiches are a part of life and relationships
The life we want often includes a few sh*t sandwiches. This is just how it is.
But then we take this LEAP: If you loved me, you’d eat my sh*t sandwiches for me. Why do we do this?!
Here’s my two cents. If you were lucky enough to be loved by a parent who cleaned up your toys over and over, or made you dinner after dinner for YEARS, your first understanding of love is: the person who loves me eats my sh*t sandwiches.
Your map of love comes from your parents. We enter our marriage while still sort of following this map. Oh! If you love me, you’ll eat my sh*t sandwiches for me. Conversely, if you don’t eat my sh*t sandwiches, you must not love me.
You can see the difference between parental love and marital love, right? It’s not fair to ask our partner to eat all (or even most) of our sh*t sandwiches. And yet, that is the map we were given.
Life is full of sh*t sandwiches. Don’t make your partner eat too many sh*t sandwiches. And don’t eat up the sh*t sandwiches for your relationship all by yourself. Bottom line: share the sh*t sandwiches.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to improve the taste of your shit sandwiches. Here are three options:
- Reframe
- Say “Thank you”
- Take one for the team
When you actively look for ways to improve the sh*t sandwiches, you cultivate an atmosphere of teamwork with your partner. This is much better than polluting your relationship when you simply dump one of those sh*t sandwiches on your partner’s plate.
Here’s three ideas for how to handle sh*t sandwiches in your own life, or in the life of your relationship.
Practice one of the habits, or try all three.
1. Reframe
When you can reframe the sh*t sandwich as just something unpleasant you do on the way to something you really want, it’s not so bad.
A great tool to help you reframe is to ask, why am I doing this? Once you find your why, focus on it. The bigger you make your why, the less icky your sandwich becomes. Because you see the reason for the yucky task.
2. Say “Thank you”
The next way to deal with a sh*t sandwich is when you see your partner eating one, thank them or somehow acknowledge the unpleasant task. It’s amazing how much it helps to have someone nearby, cheering you on when you’re doing something you don’t really want to do.
3. Take one for the team
The number three habit that will REALLY win you points in your relationship is to actually take a sh*t sandwich off your partner’s plate. Do it for them and let them know. “I know you hate buying airplane tickets, so I will happily do that for you.”
Or, if you can’t do the task, you can simply sit next to your partner as they do it. Your companionship really helps.
Date Night Discussion
Sometimes it’s good just to know the sh*t sandwiches in your partner’s life because there might come a moment when you can help them avoid eating one, and man does that send love your partner’s direction.
So, chat with your partner:
- Explain the idea of a sh*t sandwich,
- tell them about your 3 worst,
- then ask them what their 3 worst sh*t sandwiches are.
How about you?
OK. It’s your turn. You know I always love being included in your life. Shoot me a text or leave me a voicemail to tell me what are the sh*t sandwiches at your house? I think it would be fun to have some of those collected for a future episode. My number is 970-210-4480.
I also would love to know your favorite REAL sandwich. Do you agree with me that the sauce is the most important element?
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