Today we discuss why winning the argument FEELS good, but it also HURTS your marriage. How do you and your sweetheart fight right? You know there will be conflict in your relationship, so how do you handle that conflict most gracefully?
I’ve invited Dawn Larson and James Buchanan of Take Flight Therapy to help identify key components to healthy communication. These steps will tame the war in your relationship so you can promote peace-filled conversations that create safety.
- We’ll discuss the importance of creating a safe container for your relationship.
- You’ll discover how you can change the way you use words when there’s conflict.
- You’ll distinguish between the internal work you do on your own and how that contributes to the conversations you have with your partner.
A Couple Bubble: Create a Safe Place for Your Relationship Communication
If feels good to win the argument, but “being right” doesn’t lead to the emotional safety we all need and want in our relationship.
Instead, protect your relationship with what author, Stan Tatkin calls the couple bubble.
Dawn and James suggest going to the body to create this safety for yourself and your partner. When a trigger happens in an argument, slow down, take a breath, hit pause, and take a time out if you need it. When you come back to the conflict from a safe place, it will allow you to regulate your argument with rituals of clean communication: empathy, actively listening, and kind touch.
If you put a hand on your partner’s knee or hold hands, just that simple movement of reaching towards them says, I know I’m angry at you, but I’d like to make some contact. This feeling of relationship safety can change the conversation greatly.
Threat to Relationship Communication: Amygdala Hijack
When you’re more concerned with “winning” or being “right” and proving that your partner is “wrong,” you create a dangerous war inside your relationship. Your partner is compelled to go on the defense. You’re no longer a team, but rather you’ve created a war of me vs you.
This war triggers your ancient Lizard Brain to react and keep you safe. Many people refer to this as an amygdala hijack. This term was coined by Daniel Goleman who wrote Emotional Intelligence.
Nonviolent communication is kind communication
Dawn and James explain the importance of nonviolent communication in your relationship. If you employ nonviolent communication when you and your partner disagree, your relationship will stay safely enshrined in your bubble of safety.
There are four steps in nonviolent communication:
- I observe…
- I feel…
- I need…
- I request…
Dawn and James give us examples of how these steps can play out in an argument. The core of nonviolent communication is that when your partner is upset, you respond with kindness and compassion, not verbal or emotional assault.
Nonviolent communication must become a consistent practice in your conflict. Creating safety is not just about the circumstance; it’s building a practice of communicating safely so you and your partner know you will be okay no matter what comes up.
Nonviolent communication begins internally
Dawn and James describe two types of nonviolent communication: internal and external.
External nonviolent communication is the conversation you share with your sweetheart. Internal nonviolent communication is the conversation you have with yourself.
Each partner is responsible for their own emotional reaction in a conflict. Internal nonviolent communication is an essential step in the process. Getting curious about what you observe, feel, and need allows you to have a clear conversation with your sweetheart.
When you can take ownership of your feelings and actions, it lays the foundation for effective external nonviolent communication.
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The shared pool of knowledge
You’ve calmed your physical body. You’ve examined the internal reasons you got triggered.
The next step is to bring the information of your insights to the emotional pool of shared information with your partner.
I’ve watched couples boiling with rage, and when they hear the story about the hurt child inside their partner, their anger melts away, and compassion flows freely. This is the magic of sharing your insights, feelings, and history with your partner.
This pool of shared knowledge allows you to create a larger ocean of safety for your shared relationship.
The caveat to nonviolent communication
In order to reciprocate and use the information in the shared pool of knowledge for good and not for evil, your partner needs to be mentally healthy.
If your partner is narcissistic or has a personality disorder, they might actually use your vulnerable story of your inner child as a weapon to hurt you later. If you suspect that your partner might have one of these mental illnesses, Dawn and James recommend you watch a couple of videos of Dr. Ramani.
If you recognize your partner in Dr. Ramani’s description, your partner likely isn’t capable of creating the safe container of a couple bubble. It’s time for you to explore a different path. What do you need to do to keep yourself safe?
The real “win” for your relationship
When you “win” an argument with your partner, there is no compromise. No understanding. Your partner isn’t heard or valued.
When both you and your partner can reach a place of “I understand, I care, and I want to do better” through nonviolent communication, you have truly won. Intimacy grows when you work together to solve a conflict. You move closer physically and emotionally; not only do you win as individuals, but your relationship wins.
Safe harbor or combatants in a war? What do you want for your relationship communication?
When you surrender your need to “win” and instead approach conflict with tenderness and the four steps of nonviolent communication you strengthen your bubble of safety.
Connect with my guests
Dawn Larson, MS, CGT , CCC-SLP, has extensive training in Psychotherapy, coaching and learning/communication issues and has served families and individuals for over 25 years in her individual and family counseling practice.
Dawn works with individual adults, couples, parents and their children around behavioral and emotional issues. Dawn is a certified individual and family Gestalt Psychotherapist and is registered in the state of Colorado.
Dawn’s passion is to work with individuals, and couples who want to transform and make positive changes in their communication and their relationships. She utilizes a variety of methodologies including Gestalt, somatic tracking techniques, guided visualization, EMDR (a trauma desensitization technique), Somatic Trauma Remediation, and she is trained in transpersonal/shamanic counseling as well and incorporates this into her work when clients have that interest.
James Buchanan is an LPCC who recently gained his private practice license after 20 years of corporate psychology work and individual coaching.
James works with individuals and couples who want to transform and make positive changes in their communication and their relationships. James utilizes a variety of methodologies, including Gestalt, Somatic Techniques, Guided Visualization, EMDR, and transpersonal/shamanic counseling is utilized as well.
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