108: “Why Can’t I Be Like Her?”—and Other Lies Comparison Tells Us

Comparison is the roadblock to intimacy

You’ve heard the phrase, compare and despair, right? Well today we’re gonna change that to remain in your lane so you can stay sane.

You will always see other’s people’s ease. And you will never fully understand their pain. Consequently, other people’s lives will always appear preferable to you. Easier. More joy-filled.

It’s easy to see other people’s joy and get envious. But we are never jealous of people’s pain. We can’t see the pain. Other people’s struggle is invisible to us. This is normal. We all do it.

But joy and pain are a package deal. It’s part of the human condition. Studies show we minimize other people’s struggle and romanticize their happiness.

The biggest way we fall into this trap? Comparing. Compare your life to someone else’s and you’re probably gonna despair.

Here are 5 reasons why comparing leads to despairing:

1. We envy the good parts of other people’s lives. We ignore the hard parts.
2. Because of the above precious little combo, we resent that they have it easier than we do.
3. Consequently, we feel less fortunate: no one has it as hard as we do. We feel put upon.
4. This attitude—life is unfair—affects what we’re able to experience, see, and hear. We see injustice. It’s not fair! We think.
5. The story we tell ourselves—it’s not fair—becomes our truth.

Not a great way to live, right?

Here are 5 ways to remain in your own lane so you can stay sane:

1. When you stay in your own lane, you recognize the entirety of the emotional spectrum. You welcome the hard. You treasure the joy.
2. Because you know that denial is contagious, and you don’t want to miss any joy in your life, you welcome—instead of denying—everything that comes: the struggle and the pain as well as the joy.
3. Consequently, you feel integrated. You don’t try to skip over the hard, so you feel whole. And this allows you to see that no one gets a free pass when it comes to pain and struggle.
4. This attitude allows you to see everyone else struggles too, even in the midst of their joy. You develop empathy and compassion for everyone in your sphere. Which deepens the compassion you have for yourself.
5. The truth that love is everywhere and that love wants to open your heart is the story you see each day. You live each day with compassion and curiosity. You become a detective, finding joy and love hiding in the struggles and hardship you face each day.

Here are a couple questions you can ask yourself the next time you feel tempted to compare:

1. Why are you glad this person gets to have this wonderful thing? This question wakes up your generosity. Answering the question strengthens your generosity.
2. Next, imagine their invisible struggle they endured to arrive at this envy-worthy moment. This imagining wakes up your empathy. You tell yourself a bigger story about humanity and this person in particular. It doesn’t matter if the story is true or not. Because, let’s face it, the reductive story you were telling yourself before—where they don’t struggle at all—is a fictional story. So, why not make up a better one?

Sometimes it’s hard to shake off envy. When you have a tough emotion that you’re resisting…it doesn’t help. In fact, that resistance can create true persistence of a low-grade envy.

Instead, lean all the way in. Imagine that person, Mr. Bill style. Imagine them having fun on their trip to the Bahamas or living it up in their fancy home and then watch as the inevitable wrecking ball comes and squishes them.

Now why on earth would I encourage this type of disaster-imagination? Because it’s pretend. And it lets that indignant 4-year-old inside of you feel some vindication.

When you’re allowed to talk to your sweetheart about your compare and despair pitfalls, you make friends with that petty part of yourself, acknowledge it…then turn to welcome something more complex. You open a door to the world of dream instead of despair.

A world where you and your sweetheart are co-creators.

More ways to listen: