When your toddler loses it, it’s tempting for you to lose it too, right? If your kid grabs a toy away from their sibling, do you grab the toy away and say, “We don’t grab things!”
We’ve all done it, right?
Today I talk with Audra Rutnik who helps us understand behavior differently. She fixes behavior at the source: where information is processed. And she’ll help you identify the clues to your child’s—or maybe even your partner’s—bad behavior.
Audra Rutnik is a Pediatric Occupational Therapist with 15 years of experience managing childhood behavior. She invites us to view behavior as a message about the way a child is experiencing the world, and understand why simply disciplining your child doesn’t work. I believe that young children’s behavior can have a huge impact on the intimacy of your relationship, and that’s why I invited her onto the podcast.
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Audra Rutnik begins interactions with acknowledgment
When Audra Rutnik was first trying to understand her daughter’s behavior and different sensory processing, many people in her life had something to say about it: “You’re letting her get away with things. You need to be harder on her.”
In fact, the opposite was more true. When Audra slowed down to first make a connection, then she was able to build a ladder of neural pathways that led to more and more autonomy for her daughter.
I love the subtle way Audra teaches us to begin our interactions with acknowledgment—I SEE you! This grounds our communication in connection.
You might be able to intimidate your child—or your partner—into behaving the way you want. But if you want to connect with a whole person, or shape a whole person, the first step is meeting them where they are.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to practice the autonomy sandwich with your child. Or, perhaps your task is to acknowledge your partner’s feelings.
The three phases of the autonomy sandwich are:
- Acknowledge the child’s desire or feeling
- Set a “just right” expectation
- Offer a choice of 2
We are tempted to move directly to correcting behavior. But, as Audra Rutnik has articulated here so beautifully today, until we can help move our child (or our partner) out of emotional brain—what Audra calls downstairs brain—and into thinking brain—or upstairs brain—our child or our sweetheart can’t process what we’re saying.
When you practice—mindfully—the three steps, you are creating intimate connection with your child or your sweetheart.
This intimate connection based on acknowledgment will radically improve your relationship. And, total bonus, the discipline challenges will largely take care of themselves.
Date Night Discussion
This week, especially if you’re encountering repeated behaviors that cause frustration, it will help to get an eagle view of the situation and answer the following two questions:
- What is the situation or situations that where we encounter “downstairs brain” most frequently?
- How can we offer a full gas tank in those moments? Or, what phrase can we use repeatedly to deal with this “downstairs moment?”
When you’re able to anticipate “bad” behavior and ponder some ways to deal with it more effectively, you will feel less exhausted and more connected.
Connect with Audra Rutnik
Audra Rutnik (OTR/L) holds a master’s degree in occupational therapy and has spent her career focusing on sensory processing. Audra offers a four-month coaching program that teaches parents the neuroscience behind their child’s behavior, helping them create lasting change by addressing the root cause rather than just reacting to surface-level behaviors. You can connect with Audra on TikTok or Instagram, and explore her free resources on her website.
If you’d like to work with Audra, I invite you to reach out to her. She offers a free consultation that helps you to articulate the struggle you’re facing.
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