115: Love is What You Do: How NaTasha Richburg Built a 43-Year Marriage

NaTasha Richburg feels loved when her husband carries her luggage. This shocked me because my guest today is wildly independent. Yet this gesture on her husband’s part makes her feel feminine and cared for.

What is that gesture from your partner that makes you feel taken care of or pampered? Have you ever felt like that gesture was a radical departure from the rest of your disposition?

NaTasha Richburg has 2 master’s degrees and teaches as an adjunct professor at the University of Maryland Baltimore County. And she’s written several books, including People Ask…: What is the Secret of Our 36-year Marriage?. I’m eager to share our conversation because NaTasha is a living example of the idea that love is a verb. She’s a no-nonsense woman.

1. You’ll hear her describe the 5 different relationships she has with her husband and why she’s never mad at all 5 at the same time
2. She is tenacious about creating understanding in her relationship, and because of that she touts over and over, “Being right is over-rated.”
3. She’ll give you an unexpected habit that is very tender

A radical approach to avoiding resentment

I learned from NaTasha today that one of the very best ways to avoid resentment in your relationship is to always assume your partner is trying to love you.

Your partner just may not know how.

NaTasha treats love as a verb: it’s something you do. And the biggest thing you do is to stay. Stay and seek to understand your partner.

NaTasha Richburg is no nonsense

With the above description, you’d imagine my guest to be rather sentimental, yes? Nope. NaTasha Richburg is NO NOSENSE.

At one point in our conversation I asked her, “How did you continue to stick around for those 5 years when you didn’t like your husband?” She didn’t like the way he was behaving.

“Did you see Forrest Gump?” she asked me. I assured her I did. “Well, remember that moment when he stops running? Just like that, he was done. That’s how it was for me and Melvin (her husband). One day, he just didn’t bother me anymore.”

This interview is a departure for me. The difference is refreshing.

At one point NaTasha said to me, “You’re too deep.” I liked her boldness.

She was telling me:

• Sometimes we all need to just suck it up a bit more
• Don’t be entitled in your relationship
• Don’t make assumptions
• Get on with it (And here, the “it” is love. Get on with loving your partner)

Instead of the introspection

My biggest takeaway from our conversation is that NaTasha treats Love like a verb. She is completely unsentimental when it comes to loving actions. Instead of all the figuring it out, just get busy loving. Simple. Straight-forward. Love is a verb. Get to the doing of it.

Here’s an example:

In our conversation, you’ll get several ideas for the things you and your partner should be on the same page about. The standout question for me is: How do you feel taken care of?

NaTasha makes it clear that hidden expectations only set you up for heartbreak. She tells the story of comforting a friend on Valentine’s Day when she was in college:

“He didn’t give me a single rose!” her friend cried.

“Did you ask him to?” NaTasha asked.

“No, he should just know.” her friend replied.

But the thing is, your partner can’t always “just know.” It’s hard to let go of the romantic ideal that your partner can know what you want just by guessing, but the strongest connection comes from communication. Expressing how you feel taken care of and hearing how your partner feels taken care of in return can be just as tender.

More ways to listen: