Do you and your partner argue about money?
This is a common topic of conflict because it is so closely tied to our values. You and your partner probably have a few different values when it comes to your bank account. Do you value spending? Saving? How about your partner?
When you and your partner have different values about finances, your communication can quickly turn into an argument.
In this episode, you’ll hear how a conversation about money can bring you closer to your partner when you improve your communication step by step:
- We’ll walk through each step of my book, 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication, and apply them to a common scenario about spending and saving
- You’ll hear why overcoming fear is the first step and how it can show up in other steps along the way
- You’ll get a habit to help you recognize where your communication needs improvement
These 6 steps will improve your relationship communication
As a reminder, the 6 steps to better marriage communication are:
- Overcome fear, because when you give in to fear, your world gets smaller and smaller.
- Get clear, because confusion creates fear, but clarity builds trust.
- Ask cleanly, because a clean ask inspires a clean response.
- Beware conditions, because conditions withhold love.
- Affirm lovingly to intentionally offer a counterweight to your negativity bias.
- Build boundaries, because boundaries magnify love.
Conflict is eased and intimacy is strengthened when you employ each step in your relationship communication.
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How to avoid conflict when you communicate about money
Imagine that your partner comes home and says, “I just realized I have enough frequent flyer miles to get us to Florida and go to Disney World!”
What you know is that while the airfare may be free, there are other expenses to consider. You start to panic about what your credit card statement will look like after the trip. So you say to your partner, “That’s a dumb idea. We’re going to get there for free, but how are we going to pay for lodging and tickets to Disney World?”
Your partner feels shot down. They leave the room, head hanging, and say, “You never want to do anything fun with me.”
This type of communication creates distance in your relationship. This is the scenario we’ll explore as an example to employ all six steps to better communication and see how improved communication will bring you closer.
What feelings cause conflict about money?
The first step to better marriage communication is to overcome fear. Your fear often tries to protect you from vulnerability, so it can be hard to recognize your fear and how it impacts your communication.
Fear often disguises itself as something else, such as “I am the righteous person who is more responsible with money.”
That’s what you might say, but what lives inside of you is a fear of losing financial stability if you carry a credit card balance.
Clean, honest communication begins with identifying a feeling.
Instead of responding by shooting down your partner, if you can name your fear…
“I’m afraid of going on a trip and putting the balance of all that stuff on the credit card.”
You can tame it.
Taming your fear isn’t easy. But when you do, you open yourself up to communicate clearly with your partner.
If you can’t name your fear at first, you may get clarity about your fear in other steps as you identify the feeling you have.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to notice if you are employing six steps to better marriage communication. And secondly, notice which of the six steps do you have room to improve in.
It’s important to use all 6 steps when you communicate about money
The first step is to overcome fear. When a conflict first rears its head, pause and notice. What am I feeling? And oftentimes that feeling will boil down to some kind of vulnerability that’s making you feel afraid.
Step two is about getting clear about what you want. Oftentimes, conflict arises because you haven’t taken the moment to ask, “What exactly is it I want?” Until you identify that exact longing, the conversation devolves into, “I’m a superior person because I don’t spend money willy-nilly.”
Step three is simply about asking cleanly for what you want. It can be, “I want to go on a vacation, would you pack your bag and go with me?” Or it can be, “I don’t want to go on vacation until we’ve collected the money to pay for it. Will you start a savings account with me?” The key is that your clean ask has a yes or no implied answer.
Avoid conditions to magnify your love instead
Step four is beware conditions, because we often think that the way we see the world–whether it has to do with throwing caution to the wind and jumping on a plane or only paying for vacations with cash–is the right or better way. When we get attached to being right, we tie our love to that righteousness. Then we withhold our love until our partner gets it right. This is conditional love.
Step five is to affirm lovingly. When you affirm lovingly, you show your partner that their contribution to your relationship is needed.
Finally, there does come a time when you have to build a boundary and say, “I won’t go on vacation with you until we can pay for it up front.” Then your partner knows what matters to you. Full stop.
My book is filled with exercises to help you cultivate your sense of worthiness, which enables you to ask for exactly what you want in a way that fosters connection and intimacy in your relationship.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
