Are there some aspects of your marriage that aren’t what you initially expected?
Today we talk to science writer, Christie Aschwanden, about uncertainty. I recently listened to her podcast from Scientific American titled Uncertain, and I was struck by the parallels in science and relationships.
We’ll discuss the unknown perceptions we have that color the way we see the world and how those unknown perceptions can cause conflict in your relationship:
- We’ll discuss how being wrong can strengthen your relationship
- I’ll offer you a habit to help you spot those invisible perceptions so you connect with your sweetheart more deeply
How do you find magic in uncertainty?
Christie Aschwanden talks about her initial attraction to the facts of science, but how later, she was far more interested in the variability and complexity that science represents.
I find that relationships unfold in a similar way.
Many people who coach with me fall in love and begin living with their partner, only to find their image of married life doesn’t measure up to their hopes and dreams. They’re disillusioned.
After we’ve worked together for a while, however, my clients will say something like, “This isn’t the relationship I expected or even wanted, but oddly, I feel even closer to my sweetheart than ever.”
This is typical of love stories. The real magic of sharing your life with your sweetheart is the ways you grow that you didn’t anticipate.
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How do filters affect your relationship?
Do you remember the dress that almost broke the internet? Some people saw the dress as white and gold. Others saw the dress as blue and black. Pascal Wallisch, Associate Professor of Data Science and Psychology at New York University, studied the phenomenon.
Turns out that, depending on your chrono type, you would see the dress one color or the other.
So, you’re “right” no matter which color you see.
Think about this in terms of your relationship.
When you argue with your partner about taking out the trash or cleaning the kitchen, is it possible that both of you could be “right” even though you believe your partner is wrong?
It has to do with the filters you each see the situation through.
What if, instead of focusing on whether you’re right or your sweetheart is wrong, we all focus on how to get the RELATIONSHIP right?
Date Night Discussion:
Take a look at the dress that broke the internet. What do you see? What does your sweetheart see?
Talk about how weird it is that two people can both see the truth, yet see something so totally different.
This question will help you communication with your partner
We understand ourselves and our partner better when we can entertain the idea that we don’t know everything that will explain our relationship. We get tripped up by the unknown unknowns.
As a result, it makes a huge difference in your relationship when you can invite your sweetheart to tell you where you’re wrong. This phrase shines a light on the possibility that we can’t know everything.
So, we purposefully ask to be told. “Tell me where I’m wrong.”
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to use the phrase, “Tell me where I’m wrong.”
The magic of this phrase is that it allows you to speak aloud your guess about any given situation, then invite your sweetheart to chime in.
Here’s an example
I know we had plans to start building a deck this weekend, but I look at the week we both had, and I think we’d be better off cuddling up on the couch and having a movie-marathon. Tell me where I’m wrong.
Or maybe this:
I think, if you tuned into your body, you’d actually want to have sex about once a week, but you have some hidden message inside that’s pressuring you, telling you that’s not enough. The pressure of that message is messing with our sex life. Tell me where I’m wrong.
Connect with my guest
Christie Aschwanden is author of the New York Times bestseller, Good to Go: What the Athlete in All of Us Can Learn From the Strange Science of Recovery, host of Uncertain, a podcast from Scientific American. She is also co-host of Emerging Form, a podcast about the creative process. She’s the former lead science writer at FiveThirtyEight and was previously a health columnist for The Washington Post. Her work has appeared in dozens of publications, including The New York Times, Wired, Smithsonian, Scientific American, Popular Science, Discover, Science, and Nature. She lives on a small farm in Western Colorado.
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