When you have a conflict with your partner, do you react to what they’re saying rather than respond?
If you could pause and determine what you’re truly feeling in the moment, do you think you could respond mindfully instead? Could you turn the conflict into connection, rather than an even bigger argument?
In this episode, you’ll meet Mary Beth Luedtke, a licensed professional counselor candidate practicing in Grand Junction, Colorado. She is also a dear friend.
Mary Beth is here to talk about how our emotional intelligence impacts our relationships:
- You’ll learn about the “forbidden” emotions of our childhood and how those unidentified emotions turn into the “issues” that clog up our relationships.
- You’ll get a habit to help you become more skilled at emotional intelligence so you can recognize these emotions
- And, finally, you’ll hear how my world opens up as I practice this habit for you to hear.
How childhood affects your emotions
Mary Beth helped me see why the younger version of me wasn’t skilled at feeling my emotions.
I used to be bothered every time my husband didn’t make the bed. It was such a big thing for me that I wrote about it in my book. I looked at the crumpled sheets and only saw David’s fault. “He doesn’t care about me.”
“Abandonment” is what I learned to identify later in life. But for years, that emotion was hidden to me.
Abandonment was on that list of emotions my parents didn’t help me feel. When we’re taught early on that it’s “bad” or “wrong” to feel certain emotions, that carries on into our adult lives and our relationships.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to become aware of your emotions.
Nuance helps enormously. How specific can you name your emotion? See how the specificity increases your awareness as you attempt to feel those emotions?
Name your emotions to be more mindful
One of the critical relationship skills we can develop is to name—with precision—the emotions we feel.
Mary Beth mentions how, when she couldn’t identify the emotions she felt, she acted in ways that surprised her or were not resonant with her values.
I love Mary Beth’s question: “What does that emotion tell me?” Distinguishing reaction from response. In order to be more mindful we can:
- Pause
- Tune into the emotion
- Understand the trigger
These steps look simple in writing, but I know that when you’re in the middle of an argument with your partner, it’s difficult to stop and think about your emotions.
That’s why it takes practice.
Date Night Discussion:
It’s vulnerable to name your emotions to your partner. If you’re not ready for that, it’s okay. This week, have a discussion with yourself about your emotions.
How many emotions can you name?
Of those emotions, how many different ways can you name them? How many different ways do you feel joy, anger or sadness?
How about you?
I hope you’ll be able to find that pause when mystifying emotions are causing you to react rather than respond. When you find that pause, celebrate! And let me celebrate with you by texting me at 970-210-4480.
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Connect with my guest
Mary Beth Luedtke has always existed on the periphery of guiding others, beginning with a career in special education, and ascending through several executive positions at humanistic organizations.
Mary Beth completed her Masters in Counseling Education from Adams State University in May 2023. She now practices as a licensed professional counselor candidate.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
