Keep Your Relationship Strong when Work Stress Takes a Toll

When your job is emotionally taxing, how do you keep your relationship safe?

My podcast guest today, Mitch Brooks, is a firefighter and parametric who responds to S.W.A.T. calls. You can imagine that’s a pretty stressful job, but he didn’t think he was bringing that stress home until one day when he stepped on a half-melted ice cube and he completely lost it. In this episode, you’ll hear:

Why it took his wife, Michelle, speaking up for Mitch to realize the impact his job and anger had on his family.
3 tools to help you process your emotions–meditation, check up from the neck up, and fur therapy.
How to rebuild communication in your relationship after wounding has occurred.

The Moment Mitch Realized His Job Was Hurting His Family

Mitch spent the bulk of his career as a firefighter and paramedic for the S.W.A.T. team in Baltimore. You can imagine that’s a pretty stressful job, but he didn’t think he was bringing that stress home until one day when he stepped on a half-melted ice cube and he completely lost it.

He swore, and yelled, and stormed up the stairs to get a new pair of socks. When he came downstairs in a dry pair of socks, he no longer felt agitated, but as he walked out the door to go to work, Michelle zinged him, “You’re scary when you’re angry.”

That phrase rang in his ears for the entire 45-minute drive as he headed to work. He didn’t want to be a bully in his own home. He had three daughters and he didn’t want his girls to fear him.

High-Stress Jobs Create Distance at Home

I have a personal connection to Mitch’s message. My husband is an ER physician and his job has stressed our marriage. One reason a job like that stresses a family is there is absolutely no predictable rhythm.

I remember, because of my husband’s wacky schedule, I sort of just went forward with my life and the life of our kids, without him. There’s strength in this for sure, and I’m proud of how independent I’ve always been, but there was a cost as well.

Invisible walls get built. Intimacies go unshared. And, before you know it, you’ve drifted apart. You aren’t sharing your lives. Instead, you’re living parallel lives in the same home.

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Manage Job Stress and Rebuild Connection

Once Mitch could clearly see the stress of his job was taking a toll on his marriage and family, he was able to seek help. He has a handful of habits he uses regularly so he can continue doing work he loves and is filled with purpose, but his family no longer needs to pay the price.

Mitch has a great toolbox to help first responders deal with their emotions. He talks about the check up from the neck up, the importance of peer support, and the healing power of what he calls fur therapy: petting a dog or cat.

How can these strategies help you keep the stress of your job away from your home?

Even if you aren’t a first responder, consider trying one of these suggestions to manage your stress. Your relationship will thank you for it.

Try this:

The habit I’d like to offer you for this week is to pause. Ask yourself what kind of stressor your job—or your partner’s job—is putting on your relationship. Then wonder about the long term consequences of a stress like that.

Mitch Brooks is a retired firefighter and paramedic for the S.W.A.T. team in Baltimore, as well as a Navy veteran. He taught at the Baltimore City Fire Academy and currently delivers four lectures a week to about 40 first responders at Harbor of Grace National Wellness Center. As a keynote speaker he addresses topics like resiliency and substance abuse among first responders. You can watch Mitch’s TEDx talk here.

Michelle Brooks is a passionate paraeducator in the public school system, where she supports young students in their educational journey. A proud mother of three and wife to Mitch for 32 years, Michelle values quality time with her loved ones. Outside of work, she enjoys going to the movies, crocheting, and catching up with friends.