Is there someone in your life that you love dearly and they vote differently from you? And their choice to vote so differently is making it hard for you to be close to them? Love them, even?
I had a marriage therapist ask me to do a podcast episode about our nation’s polarization because it is ending marriages. This is my attempt at this difficult topic. I’m going to talk in the episode as if it’s your partner that votes differently because that’s a huge struggle for people right now. But if it’s not your partner, each time I say “Partner” or “Sweetheart,” I invite you to substitute the person’s name with whom you struggle.
The fundamental difference in my marriage
In this episode, I tell you a story about when I realized my husband and I believed RADICALLY differently and how I thought to myself, “Our marriage is over. Our marriage is over. How could we POSSIBLY continue if he believes this way?” But this story happened 24 years ago. And my marriage has gotten stronger and stronger because I leaned into the difference rather than fighting it or pretending the difference didn’t exist.
This conversation matters because I believe world peace begins at home. Peace, kindness, open-heartedness, understanding, compassion, empathy…they are all an inside job. When we can cultivate these values in our own hearts, we can nurture them in the world in which we live.
The hardest place to practice those values of peace, kindness, and compassion is with your partner. Why? Because your partner is the person you’re closest to. Or, you used to feel close. Now you might feel alienated, angry, seething even. These emotions are not the opposite of close, they are signals that the closeness is still there, but hiding or buried. These are emotions of longing for something to change.
Today we’ll talk about 3 ways to employ your imagination to help with that change:
- Calm your own fear (hint: your imagination is working against you)
- Remember your connection (and here you’re harnessing your imagination of the past)
- Then you can get curious (this last one is about how imagination can help you see the world differently)
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Calm yourself first
We all know that curiosity bridges divides. Practicing that curiosity? Well, it takes skill.
It’s hard to be curious when you’re afraid. When you’re afraid your rights, or your job, or your body, or your gun will be taken from you, it’s natural to be afraid. So, while you might even really WANT to be able to be curious, your curiosity will only be rote and fake if you don’t first deal with your own fear.
To deal with your fear, I’m going to help you. We’re not trying to FIX what’s making you afraid, OK? Don’t put that pressure on yourself. We’re just going to calm your animal body’s response down for a moment. A magical moment when your heart can open and you can offer your partner genuine curiosity.
Remember connection
Curiosity is a skill. Assumptions invite fear. Love and belief in the goodness of your partner will open the discussion.
Remember why you fell in love with your partner. Remember the values you shared when you first began sharing your lives together. What were your hopes for the future?
Our emotions follow our thoughts. What you choose to focus on matters. When you focus your mind on a memory of deep connection, you reengage that connection. Your skin softens. Your heart opens.
When you let yourself get panicked about how different you and your partner are, and you run images through your brain of all the tribal messages you hear on social media and you lump your partner into a box of thoughts and memes and label them…well you’ve already created a wall that keeps intimacy out.
Then curiosity
Deep curiosity. Remember. Then get curious. Remember. Then curious.
Curious about the biggest things. Values of freedom, independence, safety, choice, … what are the biggest values underneath the arguments?
If your partner feels differently about immigration, get curious. What does that look like?
If your partner feels differently about abortion, get curious. What does that look like?
The important thing here is to get curious about the deepest values your partner holds. What is the most important part of freedom? What is most important about safety?
When it gets heated, return to remembering. Return to your home base of why you picked this person. Your animal body chose them. Why?
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to keep your body calm so your heart can remain open.
Here’s an example:
Just recently we were at my nephew’s wedding so I had lots of time to spend with my husband’s extended family. One evening as we all sat around, we were playing The Favorites Game.
What is your favorite genre of music? Who is your favorite artist? The questions helped us discover new things about each other.
Then I asked a new question, “What is your least favorite genre of music?” And the answer my nephew, who is a graduate student at the Eastman School of Music, gave opened my eyes and my heart.
“I don’t want to answer that question. I don’t want to have a least favorite genre of music. Because then I’m walling myself off from learning why someone else likes that music.”
Deep curiosity, right? Curiosity so tenacious that he knows answering a simple question like “What don’t you like” might prejudice himself toward a person he hasn’t even met yet.
What if you brought that kind of curiosity to your relationships? A calm body. A remembrance of your deep love. Then a curiosity so tenacious that you protect conversations that haven’t even happened yet.
Date Night Discussion
How you imagine your partner matters.
I’ve been witness to a marriage so filled with differences they really agreed about nothing. When I wondered aloud about what kept them together, the husband told me, “He knows me. He lets me be myself. And he believes I am a loving person even though I go about loving very, very differently.”
How are your partner’s political opinions an example of love? A different way to put love into the world? When you start with this question, and you keep your animal body calm, and you remember (and reimagine the animal body feeling of that love) you can be genuinely curious.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
