What’s your favorite meal? What was your favorite way to play outside as a kid? What does your favorite memory smell like?
These are questions that are part of the culture in my house. When my kids were growing up, I asked about their favorite moment of the day, their favorite interaction with a friend, or their favorite moment to be away from me (this question was born during the teenage years).
I ask about favorites because it’s so easy to complain, to focus on the negative, or to harbor resentments and focus on injustice. I knew I was going to be that small voice in the back of my kids’ mind for decades to come. I wanted that voice to be about seeing the good stuff.
More than a pastime
Early on I thought it was a toss away game to make our car rides more fun. But one day I learned how valuable the game can be.
My sister’s husband died several years ago. I went to be with her as he passed, and stayed for the days just after he died. As you can imagine, it was a hard time. There were tears, and overwhelm, and my sister was having trouble sleeping, which just made the tears and overwhelm bigger.
Then, one day, we were scheduled to go to the mortuary to pick up her husband’s ashes. This was a HEAVY lift. My sister was shaking. She was agitated. And I desperately wanted to comfort her.
“What’s your favorite season of clothing to wear?” I asked. This is my personal favorite of all the favorites in the game. But if you have never played the game, it’s a pretty wacky question.
“What?!” said my sister who, understandably, felt lost.
But I have a lot of trust built with her and, when I repeated the question, “What is your favorite season of clothing to wear?” she humored me.
“Summer, I guess.” I asked her why, “I like to wear as light weight of clothes as possible. Summer tops are sleeveless and there’s lots of sundresses.”
“My favorite season is late fall when it’s time for turtlenecks and 2 pair of tights.” I said.
“Two pair of tights?” asked my sister, “What is that?”
I explained that I love the compression of leggings so much that I put on one pair, and then, delightfully put on another pair over that. All that compression makes me feel safe and cozy. “I hate summer clothes because there’s no compression.”
My sister got the giggles. “TWO pair of tights? TWO?!”
I nodded. She was incredulous. But she had laughed. And she kept laughing.
For the rest of the week that I stayed at her house, she would occasionally shout at me from upstairs, or while she was washing dishes in the kitchen, “Two pair of tights? Who does that?” It was a little lifeline of laughter.
When to play The Favorites Game
The Favorites Game doesn’t have to be saved for a time to ease pain. Indeed, I find the game works in all sorts of occasions. It’s a great ice breaker at a party where I don’t know anyone. It’s fun to play over and over because your favorite things change, and it’s a nice way to get a reality update about what your favorite people love about living on planet earth.
It’s also a huge moment of comfort and reset when my grandchildren get into the car after we’ve had a big day of playing in the sun, I hand them a snack and I ask, “What was your favorite part?” It’s way better than the hangry complaints I got from my own kids before I started playing the game.
Try this relationship habit:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to play the game with someone you love, someone brand new, or someone with whom you don’t know what else to talk about.
In this week’s episode of my podcast, I ask you 52 “What’s your favorite?” questions. Listen and pause after each question to give your answers, or purchase a Favorites Game card deck here.
Date Night Discussion
I’m going to invite you to talk about what creates preference. What makes something your favorite?
Here’s an example:
The first time my son-in-law (who, at that time was merely my daughter’s boyfriend) joined us on a family road trip, my daughter asked to play The Favorites Game as we drove home from our adventure.
I began asking my questions. What’s your favorite smell? What’s your favorite time of year? And then I asked, “What’s your favorite view?”
There were five of us in the car, myself, my husband, my two kids, and this new boyfriend. All five of us named the exact same view: the view from our dining room window.
Now, I will admit we have a gorgeous view. We live in a valley, and we’re surrounded by 360 degrees of Colorado’s Rocky Mountains. But we’d just driven over the continental divide! One of the great views in the nation.
Our family has visited Alaskan glaciers, and rafted The Grand Canyon. Certainly we’ve seen more spectacular views than The Bookcliff Range of mountains that face our home.
Why did we ALL pick that view?
That’s when we had a long conversation about what creates your favorite things. We all decided that familiarity is a huge contributor to whether or not something becomes a favorite.
And because familiarity has a huge impact on what becomes your favorite, your favorite things will change over time. If you can believe it, my favorite meal is now the vegetable stir fry that used to be on my list of “healthy, but not so tasty” foods.
I had a year of illness when that was the safest food for me to eat. Not only did that food make me feel better and better and better, I also got better at making it. Viola! Favorite meal replaced!
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