What does it feel like inside of you when your partner says a genuine “Thank you?”
Today, we discuss why it can be tricky and vulnerable to let the words, “Thank you,” settle all the way into your heart.
- I’ll offer you a habit and a discussion prompt to help open your heart to truly receive the gratitude that is everywhere just waiting to land in your lap
- And you’ll learn how appreciating yourself sets you up for greater intimacy with your partner
Have you ever had this experience: Your partner says, “Thank you,” … for dinner, or because you picked up the kids at soccer practice, and you feel yourself get a little bit rigid. Your jaw tightens ever so slightly.
You think to yourself, “I always pick the kids up! I’m forever making meals. You’re thanking me now? How about you thank me for cleaning up the toothpaste you constantly leave in the bathroom sink?”
Why is it that, instead of accepting the thanks offered, you want MORE thanks in this moment?
This rigid and tight feeling in your body is resistance. I don’t know why, but it’s human nature for many of us to resist the very words we also long to hear. I see this all the time in my private coaching practice.
The short answer is we’re afraid.
When appreciation feels insufficient
We’re afraid of the intimacy implied when the person we love so much actually sees us, values us, and takes the time to let us know they value us.
When we crave that very intimacy, why then do we tighten up when it’s offered?
It felt prescribed: he was only thanking me today because I’d yelled at him last night.
It wasn’t ENOUGH! He was thanking me for one meal, when I’d cooked hundreds.
I remember the loneliness I felt during that era of my life. I was working so hard. So hard. I was exhausted. And there was so much pressure to continue to work hard. At least, that’s how I felt.
The love I craved, the appreciation I longed for when I was a young mother? All that love and appreciation wanted me as well. I just had to learn to let it in.
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The barriers that make it difficult to receive “thank you”
There are a lot of barriers we build to keep love out. Barriers like:
- I just can’t get ahead of all this work!
- No one appreciates all that I do
- No matter how much I do, it’s never enough
These thoughts and feelings are like rocks we toss into our life stream, and these rocks dam up the flow of water. The flow of love.
This dam—a dam you built yourself—keeps you thirsty in a world of UNWORTHINESS.
When you feel unworthy, you make yourself invisible.
Doubt dams up the love in your relationship
We wish our partner wouldn’t just say, “Thank you for making this nice dinner.” We wish our partner would say, “You are the one that makes my life complete. This dinner is just one example of millions of other reasons that I am certain I will love you forever and ever.”
A little over-the-top right? Your fearful wish sounds a little goofy when I just say it like that, right? And you’d feel weird if your partner actually said all that.
So your fear about love and your desire for love get caught in this dam of doubt.
You hear “Thank you,” and your doubt dams up the flow of love.
The ONLY way to feel that deep, sappy, certain yet innocent love is to welcome it. To remove all your barriers of protection. To dig all the rocks out of your dammed river and let the water of love flow freely. To own the love that is all around you.
Clear the path to self-love
But how? How do we do this? You need to turn on the faucet of your own agency. This can be challenging. Both to turn ON your agency, and to KEEP it fully turned on.
Here’s why you get tempted to turn OFF your agency: You feel overwhelmed. By dishes. By errands. By emails. It’s all too much and you’ll never get ahead.
Each time you talk to yourself this way you’re tossing another rock into the river of love, plugging up the love that longs to flow your direction. These seemingly innocuous thoughts become insurmountable barriers to receiving love.
This dam keeps you thirsty in a world of UNWORTHINESS.
We have a choice in these moments of loneliness and alienation: You can believe the stories—I’ll never be done with this—and keep tossing rocks of despair into your stream of love, or you can take that I-feel-unworthy-feeling as an invitation to thank yourself.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to appreciate yourself. Tune into that internal voice that says you’re not enough, and flip the script. Notice how your day is reflective of your values.
Date Night Discussion
This week’s date night discussion might be—at least for some of you—one of the most challenging discussions you’ve ever had with your partner.
This week I invite you to appreciate yourself in front of your partner. Here are a couple of prompts:
- Appreciate the way you spent your day and how that aligns with your values.
- Notice your inner dialogue. Appreciate the changing way you’re talking to yourself.
- Appreciate something you’ve learned, practiced, chased after, and consequently, improved.
How about you?
Today, I’d love to be included in your thoughts as you experiment with receiving gratitude. What is that like for you? If it’s easy, I want to hear how and why. If you find it a little challenging, I’d love to hear the specifics of what you notice about yourself and that voice inside your head.
Text me at 970-210-4480 and let me know.
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