Your mom slays you in that way that only she can and says, “Oh, I see you’ve julienned the carrots when I asked for slices.” For you, it might not be your mom. But I bet there’s someone in your family of origin who makes you feel … less than.
Today, I’ve got a few games for you to play during this holiday season as you visit your family. I have 4 intentions with today’s episode:
- My hope is that these games will keep you laughing instead of crying so that…
- Your relationship with your relatives gets stronger instead of more distant because…
- There is a particular feeling of belonging that only comes from those people who knew you when you were itty bitty.
- But we also know that those are the people who can DRIVE YOU CRAZY like no one else. So it might take a special mindful effort to maintain or grow those relationships. Especially, as you integrate your partner into your family of origin.
We all KNOW that it’s important to stay calm, but HOW? How do we do it?
A few weeks ago, I did an episode about how to talk to someone who votes differently than you. My hope is that your key take-away from that episode was to do the Big Work of staying in your own business and to keep your own animal body soft and approachable.
How do you keep your animal body open and relaxed when all your brother can talk about is grams of protein vs grams of sugar? Or when your aunt keeps asking you, “So what is it you’re doing now that you’ve dropped out of law school?”
These things drive you CRAZY! And then your jaw tightens, and your stomach crunches, and you just want to explode!
I’m showing you how to take matters into your own hands when it comes to the craziness by making yourself laugh. Or feel understood. Anything that keeps your animal body from spinning out—and feeling either like a deer caught in the headlights or a lion roaring—we are gonna call a win.
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Martha Beck’s Dysfunctional Family Bingo
I got introduced to this idea of laughing about family gatherings from my teacher, Martha Beck. She has this wonderful game called Dysfunctional Family Bingo.
The premise of her game is to take some time before visiting family—this before moment is a crucial part of the game—to fill in squares on a bingo board with all the habits and patterns that drive you crazy about your family.
Your bingo board might include:
- My mother commented on the way I prep a veggie tray.
- In spite of your success running your town’s largest greenhouse, your bingo card could mention how your aunt mentioned—again!—how you dropped out of law school.
- Even though you are a best-selling author your bingo card might say, My sister commented about how I failed every spelling test in elementary school.
When all your bingo card squares are filled in, you’re ready to attend your dysfunctional family event. You’ve identified the key components that put the FUN into dysfunction.
You can download my holiday bingo template here.
Shout Outs
This game is where you fortify your pockets, your phone, or just your brain with a number of innocuous questions to ask each time you notice the fun falling out of dysfunction.
Here are a few examples of when you might “shout out:”
- Your brother-in-law is baiting your aunt, “Aunt Jeannie, how did you vote last election on…”
This is the perfect moment to shout out, “In how many languages do you know how to say, ‘Hello?’”
- The kids are getting rowdy, and someone’s about to get a bloody nose.
This is the perfect moment to shout out, “Who is your favorite super hero?”
- Your grandmother is winding up to list the litany of sacrifices she’s made today so that everything will be perfect for everyone else.
This is the perfect moment to shout out, “Who can name a historic event that happened the year grandma was born?”
You will have a multitude of other scenarios where you realize the helpfulness of shout outs. And you can find a zillion prompts almost anywhere.
The Capacity Game
This game is more about finding compassion and trusting love to lead the way, and, best of all, your relatives never need to know you’re playing the game.
Challenge yourself to investigate each of your guests at the holiday dinner. For what do they have a unique capacity?
Maybe your father-in-law has an enormous capacity for kitchen remodel questions like mine. Maybe your grandson can talk forever about species of wildlife and their locations. This sort of capacity, one of natural interest, doesn’t surprise us. We’re all interested in different things, and we all realize that, if we want to get along, it’s best if we can find those places of shared interest and capacity.
Date Night Discussion
I think it’s profound and deeply bonding to be able to talk with your partner about visiting each other’s families.
It’s important to give your partner perspective on how they regress when they visit their family of origin. And to normalize that rather than pathologize it. We all regress a little. We fall into habits from our childhood.
Here’s an example:
How can you laugh about these regressions rather than getting frustrated? How can you remind yourself that you don’t live with the version of yourself that your partner becomes when they’re with their mother?
How can you thank your partner for being patient with you when you regress?
And how can you laugh about ALL of it?
The key to all these games is to realize and normalize that visiting family can be fraught with challenges.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after has 4 steps:
- Be in charge of yourself: your own body, mind, and spirit. If you’re struggling with this, listen to my episode from a couple weeks ago about loving the person who votes differently from you. You can calm your body with the right tools.
- Laugh. Laugh at yourself. Laugh at your relatives. Invite your relatives to laugh at the whole mess.
- Come to the party ready to spread some joy. Shout out anything that might make the room of people you’re with a little happier.
- Have compassion. Go looking for the capacity genius in each of your relatives. When you find their unique capacity, it will be a little easier to forgive them for having so little capacity to manage their own emotions or behaviors.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
