Does one kiss matter?
My short answer is: yes.
Because the things we do every day–the mundane things that we hardly notice if at all—these tiny moments make more difference in your relationship than anything else. That is because of the power of compounding.
Today we’re talking about my favorite thing: making the invisible visible.
- I’ll tell you a kissing story that happens in my mud room
- We’ll talk about Alpha Centauri and the compounding power of invisibility
- And I’ll offer you encouragement if you need some courage to be gentle
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The mud room moment of connection
In my house, since the beginning of our marriage, my husband and I have made a habit of walking each other to the door when one of us leaves.
We know each other’s rhythm well. I can hear when David is doing those last things before he leaves, like filling his water bottle and packing up his go-bag. That is my signal to walk with him into the mud room.
It takes about 90 seconds for him to put on his coat and shoes. During those 90 seconds we review what is in his day ahead, or mine. Then there’s a kiss or two, or if we’re lucky, three, and then it’s goodbye.
If I am the one to leave him at home, he stands in the same place in the mud room. We might mention what we’re having for dinner, or what time we’re coming home. And then the same 1, 2, or 3 kisses and I’m off.
It’s a tiny thing.
That is the foundation of the happily ever after I live every. Single. Day.
Why tiny moments matter so much
Do you remember recently when I talked with you about dramatic moments in a marriage? I told you how I used to draw a big heart with lipstick on the mirror. It’s a big, bold gesture. And it’s fun, to be sure.
But it’s not a moment that provides an anchor. The lipstick-on-mirror moments are like a bolt of lightning and they make life exciting for sure. But now that I’ve had my 11,000 mud room moments, I’ll tell you, the mud room is better than the lipstick.
Deeper. More intimate.
Why does this mud room moment matter so much? It’s because of the quiet miracle of compounding.
Make the invisible visible
In this episode, I tell you the story of a king who plays a game of chess with a visiting pauper or a poet, in which the pauper or the poet asks to be paid with a singular grain of rice, doubled on each square of the chess board.
It seems so insignificant a request as to be invisible. But eventually, there are so many grains of rice that, if you stacked them end to end, you could reach all the way to Alpha Centauri, a star 4 light years away…and back again!
Now come back to my mud room and my morning kisses. In this 90-second ritual that would be so easy to neglect, my husband and I have been stacking up grains of love. So tiny each day as to seem completely insignificant, but compounded over time, they create a sea of love and connection.
Right there in our mud room. How mundane. How invisible.
Yet this is exactly what I hope to spotlight today: I want to make the invisible visible.
Here’s my question for you today: what ARE the invisible rituals in your home?
Do you exchange a text during the day with your partner to let them know how your meeting went? Or is there a vacuum of empty space when you’re apart?
Do you sit down for coffee on Saturday morning with no agenda but to be together, or are you each so busy there’s no dedicated time to sit and let conversation bubble up?
Do you share a meal? Or do you grab food on the run…as you each run in different directions?
You don’t need 90 seconds in the mudroom. You don’t need to share every meal. But there are rhythms in your home that are compounding one grain of rice at a time.
Will your grains of attention add up to “I love you to Alpha Centauri and back?” or will your grains of neglect leave the two of you lost in outer space, unable to find any gravity between you? Or, worse, are you building up that pile of contempt that will, eventually suffocate your love?
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to go looking for your invisible rituals. You might not know about them because, after all, they are currently invisible.
But we can make them visible simply by looking for them.
Here’s an example:
Start with hello and goodbye. How do you greet your partner? What does your daily parting look like?
Then investigate shared spaces. Do you have an invisible ritual in your bathroom? Near your coffee maker? While getting a meal ready to eat?
Next, investigate the items for which you share care. Children are the first place to look. Do you have any invisible rituals when it comes to children? Getting them ready for school? Feeding them? Bathing them? Getting them into bed?
Do you share a car? Share a calendar? Share a desk or a closet?
This week, go looking for an invisible ritual and ask yourself, “As I compound this ritual, day after day, year after year, what am I stacking up?”
The question, and the noticing (as long as you keep noticing), is enough to inspire a change if you need one.
If, however, you have a ritual that is stacking up your grains of love to the moon and back, notice it. Notice how precious it is. And do everything you can to preserve it.
Date Night Discussion
If you’ve looked at your invisible ritual and you realize you have your home’s equivalent to my mud room moment, I invite you to notice it aloud.
But what if you’ve looked at your invisible ritual and you realize you have that nothingness, or your ritual is more likely to be flavored badly than sweetly? If this is the case at your home, I don’t invite you to have a discussion about it.
Instead, I invite you to change it.
You can read the full date night discussion here.
How about you?
If you’re starting out on changing an invisible ritual, give yourself fortifications. Find a friend from whom you can get support to continue, especially when it’s hard. Or reach out to me. I love supporting people who are making an invisible change. It’s one of the things I do best.
You can reach me at 970-210-4480.
I believe in you. I believe in you to create the tenderness and connection you want to feel. Peace and belonging begin at home. We all need that right now.
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