How to Make the Invisible Visible in Your Relationship

Does one kiss matter?

Today I want to talk with you about my absolute favorite topic when it comes to marriage and relationships. The power of making the invisible visible.

Because the things we do every day–the mundane things that we hardly notice if at all—these tiny moments make more difference in your relationship than anything else. That is because of the power of compounding.

I’ll tell you a story of compounding in a moment, but first, I want to identify a particular invisible moment in my marriage.

 

The mud room moment of connection

In my house, since the beginning of our marriage, David and I have made a habit of walking each other to the door when one of us leaves. It doesn’t happen every single day, but it’s far more likely to happen than not.

It’s such a tiny thing that it would be easy to let go. We know each other’s rhythm well. I can hear when David is doing those last things before he leaves, like filling his water bottle and packing up his go-bag.

That is my signal to get up from my desk if I’ve been writing, or to dry my hands if I’ve been washing dishes and walk with him into the mud room.

It takes about 90 seconds for him to put on his coat and shoes. During those 90 seconds we review what is in his day ahead, or mine. We might mention what we’re having for dinner, or what time we’re coming home.

Then there’s a kiss or two, or if we’re lucky, three, and then it’s goodbye.

If I am the one to leave him at home, he stands in the same place in the mud room. Most days he makes fun of me because I have so many bags. He asks me if I’m headed to the gym because he’s my biggest fitness cheerleader.

And then the same 1, 2, or 3 kisses and I’m off.

It’s a tiny thing.

That is the foundation of the happily ever after I live every. Single. Day.

 

Your rituals anchor you to your partner

It would be so easy to skip it. Or to let it fade. To let the habit go because … well, it’s always the same. Or because it’s a little corny or schmaltzy.

But David and I just celebrated our 38th anniversary. Let’s say there’s 240 work days in a year, but we don’t always work the exact same days, so maybe, on average we share this moment 300 days a year. At this point in our lives we’ve had this little mud room kissing ritual over 11,000 times.

It’s no wonder I feel so anchored by my husband’s presence that, when we had an aborted airplane landing at Heathrow airport and my body broke out into a massive sweat, the comfort of his hand, caused the sweat to evaporate instantly.

My husband has become part of my body’s parasympathetic nervous system.

Have you heard this story about the plane and the crash everyone on board was bracing for? It’s from episode 19 of my podcast, and it’s a story that is the epitome of how invisible moments add up to something very visible when danger is on the horizon.

Day after mud room day, we have been present for each other. We are each other’s anchor in the sometimes stormy waves of life.

 

Why tiny moments matter so much

Do you remember recently when I talked with you about dramatic moments in a marriage? I told you how I used to draw a big heart with lipstick on the mirror. It’s a big, bold gesture. And it’s fun, to be sure.

But it’s not a moment that provides an anchor. The lipstick-on-mirror moments are like a bolt of lightning and they make life exciting for sure. But now that I’ve had my 11,000 mud room moments, I’ll tell you, the mud room is better than the lipstick.

Deeper. More intimate.

Why does this mud room moment matter so much? It’s because of the quiet miracle of compounding.

 

Make the invisible visible

Do you know the story of a single grain of rice placed on a chessboard with the promise that it will be doubled in each square? It sounds like such a modest request. The story is told many ways, a king who plays a game of chess with a visiting pauper, or a poet who entertains a king.

In each telling of the story, however, the pauper or the poet asks to be paid with a singular grain of rice, doubled on each square of the chess board.

It seems so insignificant a request as to be invisible. On the first square is a single grain of rice, hardly enough to get stuck in your teeth. The next square, 2 grains. Then 4. Then 8. By the end of the first row, there’s only 255 grains of rice on the entire board.

Beginnings like this seem so insignificant as to be easily swept away. But it’s not long before the doubling grains of rice are so plentiful that they pour out of the windows of the king’s castle. In fact, by the 64th square, the rice is so abundant, it would create a pile of rice 3.5 feet deep across the entire country of India.

That is so many grains of rice that, if you stacked them end to end, you could reach all the way to Alpha Centauri, a star 4 light years away…and back again!

 

What if you replaced connection with contempt?

Now come back to my mud room and my morning kisses. In this 90-second ritual that would be so easy to neglect, my husband and I have been stacking up grains of love. So tiny each day as to seem completely insignificant, but compounded over time, they create a sea of love and connection.

Right there in our mud room. How mundane. How invisible.

Yet this is exactly what I hope to spotlight today: I want to make the invisible visible.

Let’s run the experiment in the opposite direction. Let’s say that, instead of years of 90-second connection, we cultivated 90 seconds of contempt. Here’s what that would look like.

In the morning, instead of the 90 second goodbye, we could have the 90 seconds of blame.

What if my husband said, “Oh, I see you forgot to pick up diapers when you were at the store. Now I don’t have enough diapers to put in our daughter’s backpack to go to daycare.”

And I could reply, “I wouldn’t have forgotten the diapers if I weren’t so busy cleaning up the mess you left in the kitchen last night. Didn’t we agree whoever cooks cleans up after themselves?”

And then my husband could say, “Well, at least I cook real food which is more than I can say for you, Miss Heat and Serve.”

Then I’d roll my eyes at him.

And he’d slam the door on his way out.

We can see the kind of grains we’re stacking up with that morning ritual right? By the time we get to the 64th square of that morning ritual, that marriage is buried so deep in grains of contempt that their love is completely smothered.

But what about a nothing ritual?

 

Why you need the glue of a ritual with your partner

There are many couples that come to my office that refuse my 90-second mud room ritual on the grounds that it sounds too corny or fake. “It’s not like we’re mean to each other,” they tell me, assuring themselves they aren’t eye rollers either.

This couple doesn’t seem worried about their lack of a parting ritual and they certainly are too cool for my sentimental mud room moment. But what happens when there is a ritual of nothingness?

Stack up morning after morning of nothing, day after day, year after year, and you have space. So much space you can’t find each other anymore.

And this is the invisibility that becomes hardest to overcome. Because there’s nothing to fix or repair. There’s nothing wrong with the way you and your partner treat each other, there’s just no glue.

Oddly, people in my office that face this nothingness are mystified by the lackluster state of their relationship. “We don’t hate each other,” a husband will confess to me, “I just…can’t seem to FIND her.” He doesn’t mean his wife is invisible to him, but rather that there’s no THERE there.

 

You might already have a ritual

Here’s my question for you today: what ARE the invisible rituals in your home?

Do you exchange a text during the day with your partner to let them know how your meeting went? Or is there a vacuum of empty space when you’re apart?

Do you sit down for coffee on Saturday morning with no agenda but to be together, or are you each so busy there’s no dedicated time to sit and let conversation bubble up?

Do you share a meal? Or do you grab food on the run…as you each run in different directions?

You don’t need 90 seconds in the mudroom. You don’t need to share every meal. But there are rhythms in your home that are compounding one grain of rice at a time.

Will your grains of attention add up to “I love you to Alpha Centauri and back?” or will your grains of neglect leave the two of you lost in outer space, unable to find any gravity between you? Or, worse, are you building up that pile of contempt that will, eventually suffocate your love?

Here’s an example:

Start with hello and goodbye. How do you greet your partner? What does your daily parting look like?

Then investigate shared spaces. Do you have an invisible ritual in your bathroom? Near your coffee maker? While getting a meal ready to eat?

Next, investigate the items for which you share care. Children are the first place to look. Do you have any invisible rituals when it comes to children? Getting them ready for school? Feeding them? Bathing them? Getting them into bed?

Do you share a car? Share a calendar? Share a desk or a closet?

This week, go looking for an invisible ritual and ask yourself, “As I compound this ritual, day after day, year after year, what am I stacking up?”

The question, and the noticing (as long as you keep noticing), is enough to inspire a change if you need one.

If, however, you have a ritual that is stacking up your grains of love to the moon and back, notice it. Notice how precious it is. And do everything you can to preserve it.

Here’s an example:

If you’re looking to have a sweeter exchange in the bathroom, you be the sweetener. It doesn’t have to be much. You could lightly place your hand on your partner’s back as you finish brushing your teeth. Or you could say something funny or gentle like, “Isn’t is sweet how our daughter is learning to tell jokes…and they aren’t very funny, but I think that’s part of what makes me laugh?”

 

Now. I need to give you a warning.

This is a disproportionally scary thing to do. This sort of gentleness or openness is a big vulnerable thing to do.

And, if you and your partner have truly been lost in space, contempt, or another form of distance, gentleness is terrifying to your partner.

Your partner may have built up some invisible protections to keep them from feeling that space, contempt, or distance. And they might take your gentleness as a threat.

Isn’t that weird?

And yet it’s so, so common.

So I invite you to put on your big girl or big boy panties…or whatever panties/pants that fortify you… and be gentle anyhow.

Be gentle over and over. Day after day. Be gentle for so much longer than you think you might need. Gentle persistence is powerful! Just watch what a tiny stream of water does in a desert. In case you didn’t realize it…that’s how The Grand Canyon was formed.

 

An extra resource to help you

If you need some help getting brave to be gentle, listen to episode 8 of this podcast. It tells the story of how I needed to spend months and months changing our mud room moment. But the person I needed to change was me.

And it worked. It worked so well that, since that change in my invisible ritual, we have consciously created a new way to relate to one another. A new way that is foundational to my happily ever after.

How about you?

If you’re starting out on changing an invisible ritual, give yourself fortifications. Find a friend from whom you can get support to continue, especially when it’s hard. Or reach out to me. I love supporting people who are making an invisible change. It’s one of the things I do best.

You can reach me at 970-210-4480.

I believe in you. I believe in you to create the tenderness and connection you want to feel. Peace and belonging begin at home. We all need that right now.