You say yes. Your partner hears no. What happened?

You say yes. Your partner hears no. What happened?

Today I’m bringing you a snippet from my book, 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication.

You’ll hear why communication can get confusing
If you’re married to someone who’s typical answer to your idea is “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I’ll offer you some hope
And I’ll explain why negativity is often fear in disguise and how you can fix that negativity with just one word

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You’ve been invited to dinner with some friends. You ask your partner if they want to go. “OK. But I really wanted to stay home and watch a movie,” is the reply.

“Why don’t you want to go?” you ask.

“I said I would go,” your partner says in that tone that tells you to back off.

You feel confused, hurt, and rejected.

Your partner said, “Yes.” But it feels like “no.” What happened?

You’ve been yes-butted. The word “yes” when followed by the word “but” is a contrarian’s delight. Tina Fey says this “yes-but” answer will destroy the energy in a comedy scene. It will also kill the connection in your marriage.

Why saying yes-but kills connection

“But” sets up a contradiction, and because we are neurologically programmed to focus on negative information, the negative message is what your partner will hear.

When you say, “I’d love to go to the beach, but I’m afraid of sharks.” Your partner will hear, I don’t want to go to the beach.
When you say, “I love movies, but I hate the smell of theaters.” Your partner will hear, We’re not having date night this week.
When you say, “I’d love to have sex, but I’m really tired.” Your partner will hear, I think you’re ugly.

“But” pours water on the fire of your relationship. If you keep butting, soon your warm, glowing fire is cold and dark. You’ll lose trust and alienate the person you love most.

You’re saying yes-but more often than you think

You want to do things, so you say, “Yes.” But then your Inner Lizard wakes up and is terrified of all the ways you’ll get hurt because of saying “yes.” Imagine your Lizard deep inside your brain as it quickly attaches a warning flag to the “yes” you just said. Suddenly the word “but” is pouring out of your mouth.

“But there might be sharks!”
“But I’m worried about getting sick.”
“But I don’t have any energy.”

It’s your Lizard’s job to keep you out of trouble, and “but” is a great restraint to keep danger at bay. The intention is good. You want to keep yourself and your partner safe, but it’s not working.

How to shift to saying yes-and

When you substitute the word “and” for “but” you embrace your desire to say “yes” rather than contradict it.

“I’d love to go to the beach, and I’m afraid of sharks.” Now your partner hears, Can you help me be watchful for fins?
“I’d love to have sex, and I’m really tired.” Now your partner hears, I think you’re so hot, I’ll never get enough sleep again.

With the word “and” your Lizard fears are welcomed gently. Instead of pushing your lover away with the word “but,” you’re using the word “and” to connect you.

Try this:

This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to notice the unconscious negative patterns you bring to your relationship.

Are you a person who says yes, but…?

This week notice each time you use the word “but” in a sentence after the word “yes.”

As you notice the word “but” after you say “yes,” ask yourself, “What am I afraid of?”
“What am I trying to protect?”

When you feel like you’ve begun to notice how your “but” is trying to protect you, then begin to pause after you say “but.”

Then here comes the real magic: switch that but to “and” and notice the change you feel. Notice how just the character of the word “and” inspires a different feeling in your body. Instead of fear or contradiction, notice how your feelings change. Can you feel yourself inviting your partner to join you in something?

Date Night Discussion

This week I invite you to talk about the role of the word, “No,” in your relationship. Are there occasions where your partner regularly says no to you?

Hearing no on a regular basis can be demoralizing. These “no’s” make it tough to collaborate and they kill sexual chemistry.

So I invite you to talk about the word no. Do you feel free to say “no” to your partner? Where are the places in your relationship you want to feel free to say “no?”

Want more?

Here’s an episode that will help you stop fear from polluting your relationship communication.
While eliminating but from your relationship vocabulary will reduce lots of your conflict, you’ll still probably disagree. And some of those disagreements will require a tender apology to repair your relationship. Here’s an episode where I lay out a formula for a really good apology.