The holidays can be a time of high stress. What if a tiny pause could help you respond thoughtfully instead of reacting to the stress, so you can cultivate connection instead of pushing your partner away?
Today, we talk about the power of the pause and why it’s so important at this particular time of year. I’ve brought back clips from previous guests to offer you three perspectives on why pausing can be so powerful for your relationship:
- You’ll hear from Chantel Landeros, who talks about the 90-second pause in any kind of conflict
- You’ll hear from Kate, who talks pausing to examine your energy when it comes to invitations
- And you’ll hear from Mary Beth Luedtke, who invites us to pause and identify the trigger from our past that is impacting us in the present moment
A 90 second pause can change your relationship
The 90 second pause is a signal to your partner. When you ask to pause during a conflict, it’s like you’re waving the white flag of surrender. You let your partner know that your feelings have been hurt, but you also take responsibility for your own emotions.
When you pause to regulate yourself, you have the opportunity to assume positive intent. You can see that your partner isn’t trying to hurt you, but that maybe there is something else going on that’s causing your reaction.
With those 90 seconds, you can ask yourself:
- Am I hungry?
- Did I have a crummy day?
- Do I need a hug?
The pause helps you get to the root of what you’re feeling. And it keeps you from placing the blame on your partner.
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Understand what’s being triggered
Sometimes the emotions we have during a conflict stretch further back than our crummy day. During your pause, you may have to think back to what is being triggered from your past. Often there is a larger story behind what is pushing us to react instead of respond.
When we can take responsibility for the triggers that get pushed in our own emotional histories, we allay the blame and contortions that can gum up our present day relationships.
Connect to yourself first
When you say “yes” from an empty tank, you’re more likely to show up with resentment, control or blame. But when you give only where you have energy to do so, you’re able to show up with generosity and an open heart.
A relationship is about communication with another person, but it’s also about communicating clearly with ourselves. Before you say “yes,” to another holiday request or invitation, take a moment to pause and check-in with yourself: How can I give in this moment that is organic to the energy I actually have so I don’t overextend?
Your relationships suffer when you overextend yourself. But when you’re able to acknowledge that you don’t have infinite energy, you’re able to prioritize the most important relationships in your life.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
