Do you ever say something that you wish could take back? Communication blunders are like a big, tangled mess. Let’s repair them together.
Today, we’re fixing your communication blunders one lousy example at a time:
- We’ll examine 6 communication blunders and explore the repairs you could make to have cleaner communication
- We’ll also look at the internal frustrations and overwhelm that cause us to communicate poorly
Always and Never
Communication blunder: “You never help with the kids”
Communication repair: “I feel overwhelmed. Could you tag in with the kids?”
Absolute language like “always” and “never” words generalize and assassinate. They steal our agency to change. They’re disempowering.
When have you been the always/never accuser? What is it—specifically—you wish you could have from your sweetheart when you use those words? How can you ask for that in a way that invites belonging rather than alienation?
Mind Reader
Communication blunder: “You don’t care that my boss treats me like crap.”
Communication repair: “When I complain about my boss, and you say nothing, I make up stories in my head that you don’t care about me. What’s actually happening inside of you?”
When you assume you know what your sweetheart is thinking, you are squarely in their business. Do you remember my #1 tool when it comes to happily ever after?
Whose business are you in when you say, “You don’t care that my boss treats me like crap?” Can you feel how you are squarely in your sweetheart’s business? Telling them what they’re thinking?
Scorekeeping
Communication blunder: “I did bedtime three nights in a row.”
Communication repair: “I’m getting tired doing bedtime with the kids alone. Would you tag in for a few nights?”
When you’re tempted to keep score, my hunch is that you want to be seen for the value you bring. What would happen if you simply started seeing yourself? And you saw the value you bring?
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Commandments
Communication blunder: “You didn’t read the kids a story before you said goodnight?”
Subtext: “If you’re going to do it right, you’ll put the kids to bed using my routine.”
Communication repairs:
- “Thanks for putting the kids to bed.”
- “I appreciate you putting the kids to bed. Would you be willing to chat with me about our shared values when it comes to bedtime routines?”
There’s a lot of passive pressure that gets exerted when you share a life with your sweetheart. You and your sweetheart will have different ideas of how to do life.
Communication is key to sharing a life. But passive pressure isn’t about sharing a life, it’s about imposing your agenda onto someone else.
Sarcasm
Communication blunder: “Oh, must be nice to live on relaxing planet while I’m working my butt off in the kitchen.”
Communication repair: Walk to where your sweetheart is relaxing on the couch. Then say, “I’m tired too. And hungry. Could we both get dinner ready together?”
What causes sarcasm? Unexpressed anger? A failure to be free to truly express yourself vulnerably?
Whatever the reason that sarcasm might be polluting your home, I invite you to take a look at it. Is that truly the culture you want to create in your home?
Moodiness
Communication blunder: “I’m fine.” When we all can see that you are anything but fine.
Communication repairs:
- “I’m in a bad mood today. Not sure why exactly. I suggest you don’t take anything I say personally tonight.”
- “I’ve got hurt feelings. I don’t have energy to talk tonight, but I’m hoping to get a good night sleep, and I’d love it if you could make some space tomorrow to hear me out about those hurt feelings.”
- “I’ve got hurt feelings. Would you be willing to sit with me and hear me out?”
I’m a big believer in owning your own feelings. We are all responsible for our own feelings. And part of being responsible for those feelings means that you are honest about how your sweetheart and the way they live their life affects you.
Try this:
This week, take a good look at your communication blunders. One of my favorite times to repair a communication blunder is when I’m driving. I’m alone, the world is passing me by, and my brain just works at a different level when I’m in the car like that.
I’ll think about the communication blunder, and then I’ll think, “If I was my best self in that moment, how would I have responded?”
Now, you don’t even need to go back to your sweetheart and make the actual repair. But if you practice this habit of repairing your communication blunders, guess what? You’re going to shrink that little gap between what comes out of your mouth and how you’re able to reflect on it.
Instead of taking that drive to beat yourself up about your communication blunder or to justify why it was deserved, practice being the better version of yourself as you drive in the car, or work out on your run, or when you’re alone in the shower.
Reflecting on your blunders helps you speak with clarity and kindness in the future.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
