Communication Repair: Stop Asking Dirty and Start Connecting Deeply

Is your marriage a long string of conversation openers you wish you could take back?

Are you the one who says the stupid thing like, “Oh, must be nice to live on relaxing planet while I’m working my butt off in the kitchen.”

Does your partner send mixed signals when it comes to communication, “I’m FINE!” when you know your partner is anything but fine?

Today we’re rebooting your communication one yucky phrase at a time. I’ll demonstrate the ick. Then we’ll reword, re-examine, and reboot.

Because wouldn’t it be better if your marriage was a long string of conversation pearls you’ll treasure forever?

 

Always and Never

Communication blunder: “You never help with the kids”

Communication repair: “I feel overwhelmed. Could you tag in with the kids?”

This first example is a classic that I imagine all of us have employed at one time or another: Always and never.

“You never help with the kids.”

When people say this in my office, I turn to them and say, “Never? Your husband has never—not once—helped with the kids?”

The client rolls their eyes at me, “Well, you know what I mean. It’s very, very rare.”

Then I’ll ask, “How do you want kid-care to go in your home? Describe your ideal scenario.”

Sometimes I’ll get a straight answer, but often times it continues in the same vein, “I just want him to care. I want him to pitch in occasionally. I’m not asking for much.”

Can you feel how this is dripping with character assassination? She thinks her husband is a complete loser as a dad, he only needs to be the occasional help. Now, I ask you, if someone treated you like a loser, would that inspire you to leap up and give your best effort?

Absolute language like “always” and “never” words generalize and assassinate. They steal our agency to change. They’re disempowering.

 

Let’s fix it:

I ask my client, “How do you feel when it comes to kid care in your home?”

Her shoulders slump. Her cheeks sag. “Overwhelmed,” she says, “Completely overwhelmed.” She has a completely different energy. I can SEE the overwhelm in her body. I see how defeated she feels.

I watch as her husband leans toward her and touches her arm. He doesn’t say anything, but we can all feel the compassion this answer has awakened in him. Not just compassion. This reaction has also awakened his agency. He WANTS to do something.

“Tell me your 3 least favorite things when it comes to kid care,” I ask her.

Without hesitation she blurts, “I hate brushing their teeth! Despise it! I hate making lunches. And I hate getting them dressed.”

So we reboot and begin again with her phraseology. Instead of “You never help with the kids,” she says, “I feel completely overwhelmed by our kids. And there are 3 things that really drive me crazy: teeth, lunches, and clothing. Would you be willing to be in charge of those three things when it comes to the kids?”

Can you feel the difference between “You never help,” and “Would you be willing to be in charge?”

Empowering vs disempowering, right? Instead of character assassination, she’s making a bid for partnership.

When have you been the always/never accuser? What is it—specifically—you wish you could have from your partner when you use those words? How can you ask for that in a way that invites belonging rather than alienation?

If you hear yourself using always/never language, it’s likely you want to blame your partner for the life you’re living. This is understandable. It sucks to be a grown up and we all want to abdicate responsibility. So, the easiest thing to do is shove the responsibility at our partner: it’s your fault. You never… You always…

Next time you’re tempted to use always or never, pause:

• Articulate how you feel.
• Then make a specific request that can be implemented soon.

This is the external way to shift that communication blunder.

The internal fix is to take ownership of your life. Even the parts you hate. I want my children to have healthy teeth, but I don’t want to brush them, could my partner be in charge of dental hygiene? See how, just owning the parts of your life that you are wishing away helps you to communicate differently?

Internally, offer yourself compassion:

• Notice what’s bothering you. (Just notice as an observer. This relieves the weighty feeling of noticing with the purpose of changing.)
• Then offer yourself compassion. It’s hard to be a grown up. (Offering yourself compassion allows you to be more gentle with yourself.)

Always/never language is a cue to you that there’s something about your life you want to shove away. Rather than simply shoving it at your partner, own it. Talk about how you feel. Talk about what you hate. Then make a clear and clean request.

OK. That’s our reboot for the always/never communication blunder.

Next let’s take on the mind-reading communication blunder.

 

Mind Reader

Communication blunder: “You don’t care that my boss treats me like crap.”

Communication repair: “When I complain about my boss, and you say nothing, I make up stories in my head that you don’t care about me. What’s actually happening inside of you?”

Why do we tend to make this communication blunder?

One of the great things about having sex with your partner is that wonderful blending feeling, we’re the same person. One. United.

The down side of this is that then you make the mistake of thinking you always know you’re your partner is thinking.

You don’t.

Have you ever thought you could read your partner’s mind and said something like this to your partner? Here’s a couple other versions:

• “You don’t want my mom to visit.”
• “You don’t care about our relationship because you never initiate sex.”
• “I’m the only one who cares about the food we eat.”

Explode one of these mind-reader-bombs in your relationship and watch the conflict escalate!

• “I do too care!”
• “Yeah? Well you don’t care if I ever see my friends.”

And on it goes: a battle of assumptions.

When you assume you know what your partner is thinking, you are squarely in their business. Do you remember my #1 tool when it comes to happily ever after? Stay in your own business.

Whose business are you in when you say, “You don’t care that my boss treats me like crap?” Can you feel how you are squarely in your partner’s business? Telling them what they’re thinking?

It helps to say to yourself, “Whose business am I in?” Yes. But it also helps to feed the part of you that feels so neglected and unseen. Notice how you’re feeling when you want to say something like that.

Here are my guesses:

• You feel lonely at work. You want to know your partner is there for you.
• You’re having trouble knowing how to set boundaries at work, and you’d love some advice.
• Your boss is a narcissist, but this job is the right thing for your resume and you’d love your partner to sweep you off your feet and help you forget your day at work.

Did you see what I did there? I got curious about all the different ways you might be feeling at work.

 

Let’s fix it:

The reboot for this mind-reading-blunder is curiosity. Instead of assumptions about what your partner thinks or feels, get curious about how YOU feel and think. Or get curious about how your partner could engage with you.

Here are 3 ways we could reboot this one. Instead of “You don’t care that my boss treats me like crap,” how about:

• “My boss treats me like crap. Would you be willing to be the dumping ground for my internal toxicity for a bit?”
• “My boss treats me like crap. Do you have any ideas for how I can navigate the situation?”
• “My boss treats me like crap. As a result, I often come home hoping you’ll treat me like a queen to make up for it. That’s probably not very fair; especially if I don’t tell you that’s what I’m hoping for.”

Clarity instead of picking a fight. Curiosity instead of assumptions.

And here’s another phrase I love when you feel like your partner doesn’t care about something that matters a whole lot to you:

“Here’s what it’s like to be me…” or “Here’s the story I’m telling myself…”

This alerts your partner that their reaction (even if their reaction is a deep sea of nothingness) is hurting your feelings.

So, you could say, “When I tell you that my boss treats me like crap and you have nothing to say, the story I tell myself is that you don’t care. What is it like to be you in this moment?”

See how, instead of assuming the worst, I get curious.

Curiosity beats assumptions in relationship every. Single. Time.

When are you most likely to assume? What are the triggers for you that make you SURE you know what your partner is thinking? And what story do you tell yourself?

 

Scorekeeping

Communication blunder: “I did bedtime three nights in a row.”

Communication repair: “I’m getting tired doing bedtime with the kids alone. Would you tag in for a few nights?”

Is it as tempting for you to keep score as it is for me? Whew! I am fabulous at handling the practical details of life, and I’m constantly making a mental list of all the tasks I accomplish.

I am forever posting this mental list in tiny ways in my marriage. Here’s a few I’ve been known to offer. Notice how passive-aggressive they are:

• While you were out climbing, I got both bathrooms and the kitchen cleaned.
• I know you need more sleep than I do, so I used my early morning to pack for our trip.

Can you hear how manipulative that is? It’s a subtle (or maybe not so subtle dig) to say, I’ve used my time more effectively than you did. Not so subtle subtext: I’m a better human than you are.

 

Let’s fix it:

Let’s deal with the internal fix first on this one.

When you’re tempted to keep score, my hunch is that you want to be seen for the value you bring. This is certainly true for me.

What would happen if you simply started seeing yourself? And you saw the value you bring? I wish you could be in my office when I do this work with people. And, true confession, it’s almost always (though not exclusively) women who suffer from this one.

I point out how our culture makes invisible expectations of women. Then, women who are mothers in my practice often tell me about the horrendous torrent of Instagram perfect dinners they have to see when they barely have energy to spread some peanut butter on bread.

When you’re surrounded by images of motherly perfection and you’re barely hanging on in life (but subtly expected to do the invisible work) you are going to feel resentful. Resentful that, no matter how hard you try, you’re not gonna be able to maintain that Instagram perfection.

So I invite these women (and the occasional man) to tell me about their day.

• Every tiny detail like checking their kids’ backpack before they go to daycare to make sure there’s enough snacks and a clean change of clothes.
• I invite them to talk to me about the last time they got to work out just for fun let alone to maintain their health.
• I invite them to narrate the crazy brain they feel while walking the aisles of the grocery store because their 4-year old is begging for EVERYTHING and they feel like all they say is “no.” No. No. No.

And then we return to the bedtime routine that started this communication blunder. Does it make sense why you’re tired now?

This is the moment I wish you could be there for, because this woman, who moments ago was resentful and justifying to me how hard she’s trying, is now super impressed with herself. “Wow,” she says to me, “I’m keeping so many balls in the air!”

Yes. Yes, you are.

When you ignore how much you’re doing, because you always feel like you should be doing more, it’s no wonder you feel resentful. It’s no wonder you want to keep score to PROVE you’re deserving of a break.

But here’s the secret no one’s telling you: Everyone is fine with you having a break. You just need to let yourself take it. You don’t need to justify you deserve a break. You can just not WANT to do bedtime. That’s OK.

So let’s revisit this scorekeeping communication blunder:
Instead of “I did bedtime 3 nights in a row”

Allow yourself to choose from one of the following repairs:

• “Could you do bedtime with the kids, please?”
• “I don’t want to do bedtime tonight with the kids. I’m tapping out.”
• “Could you be in charge of bedtime with the kids going forward?”

You get to feel what you feel. You get to want what you want. No scorekeeping needed.

When you want what you want, you invite your partner to do the same.

Let’s look at the next communication blunder: Creating Commandments because, although it’s great to stop keeping score, clean communication means that, when you stop keeping score and surrender the task to your partner, you also need to let go of your agenda for how that task gets accomplished.

 

Commandments

Communication blunder: “You didn’t read the kids a story before you said goodnight?”
Subtext: “If you’re going to do it right, you’ll put the kids to bed using my routine.”

Communication repairs:

• “Thanks for putting the kids to bed.”
• “I appreciate you putting the kids to bed. Would you be willing to chat with me about our shared values when it comes to bedtime routines?”

There’s a lot of passive pressure that gets exerted when you share a life with your partner. You and your partner will have different ideas of how to do life.

Here’s a little tip: there’s no RIGHT way to do life. There are a lot of different ways to do life. Difference is the spice of life.

Communication is key to sharing a life. Communication is how you discuss the values, or habits, or routines you want to embody.

But passive pressure isn’t about sharing a life, it’s about imposing your agenda onto someone else.

Instead, use the moment to have a bigger discussion.

 

Sarcasm

Communication blunder: “Oh, must be nice to live on relaxing planet while I’m working my butt off in the kitchen.”

Communication repair: Walk to where your partner is relaxing on the couch. Then say, “I’m tired too. And hungry. Could we both get dinner ready together?”

I am extra worried about sarcasm. Sarcasm is frighteningly close to contempt in my estimation of things. Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, have studied relationships for decades. They run The Love Lab, where couples come in and “live” for 24 hours.

The Gottmans have predicted, with 90% accuracy the habits that lead to breakups. Guess what tops the list? Contempt.

What causes sarcasm? Unexpressed anger? A failure to be free to truly express yourself vulnerably? Sometimes I think sarcasm is simply learned. A habit picked up in a home where vulnerability and a clean ask are not practiced.

Whatever the reason that sarcasm might be polluting your home, I invite you to take a look at it. Is that truly the culture you want to create in your home?

A direct request, while much more vulnerable than sarcasm, is kinder and builds trust. Sarcasm erodes trust.

 

Moodiness

Communication blunder: “I’m fine.” When we all can see that you are anything but fine.

Communication repairs:

• “I’m in a bad mood today. Not sure why exactly. I suggest you don’t take anything I say personally tonight.”
• “I’ve got hurt feelings. I don’t have energy to talk tonight, but I’m hoping to get a good night’s sleep, and I’d love it if you could make some space tomorrow to hear me out about those hurt feelings.”
• “I’ve got hurt feelings. Would you be willing to sit with me and hear me out?”

I’m a big believer in owning your own feelings. We are all responsible for our own feelings. And part of being responsible for those feelings means that you are honest about your feelings and how your partner’s behavior impacts you.