Are you clueless?
Does your partner say things to you like, “Why can’t you just wipe up the crumbs on the counter after you make your sandwich?” or “The more you drink, the more you check out.” Or “I can never count on you.”
With a lot of my private coaching clients, we talk about cluelessness and codependence, so I decided to create a short series.
- This podcast episode looks at cluelessness. You’ll get a habit to practice as well as a script to help you communicate more effectively with your sweetheart.
- Next week, we’ll go over codependence.
- In two weeks, we’ll talk about the negative dynamic that results when you have a combination of cluelessness and codependence in your relationship.
If you’d prefer to read a transcript of this episode, click here.
Symptoms of cluelessness
You might want to examine your cluelessness if:
- Your partner regularly complains that you are clueless, oblivious, or generally checked-out.
- You have a lot of crises: a flat tire because there’s just no tread left on the rubber, or you “suddenly” realize you need to prepare for the meeting tomorrow that’s been on your calendar for a month, or your kid calls from school, “I’m waiting. You were supposed to pick me up.”
- Or, you might be a bit clueless if you’re human. Because we’re all clueless about something. And it’s better to wonder, “How can I wake up” rather than be the bumbling buffoon caught with your fly down after giving a speech entitled, fashion tips to impress a room.
Degrees of clueless
Cluelessness is a matter of degree, right?
We are all clueless about some things. Sometimes we’re clueless because this is the first time we got a sign to tune in. That’s one side of the spectrum.
At the other end of the spectrum is a refusal to wake up because it’s a hassle. This is when your partner repeatedly asks you to clean up after making your sandwich and you keep “forgetting.” Cleaning up is such a hassle.
This sort of cluelessness is convenient because you don’t have to take responsibility for your own life. Just know the cost of this sort of cluelessness is that you become an annoyance to those around you. You lose respect, and then no one trusts you with the key things in their life.
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How do you WAKE UP from this cluelessness?
Cluelessness is about escaping the reality we don’t want to feel.
That’s understandable, right? It sucks to feel lousy.
But how long does ignoring work?
This is the essence of waking up to your cluelessness. It’s a recognition of the emotion—that wretched feeling—you’re trying to avoid by checking out. And noticing you can’t keep that feeling at bay forever.
Here’s the kindest way to wake up from your persistent cluelessness: compassion for yourself.
If you’re going to face all those adulting consequences that really suck, please, please offer yourself some compassion.
Because that is Big Work. To actually face those adulting consequences rather than run from them? Wow! That’s you truly growing as a human. And growth and change are HARD.
So be tender with yourself.
Try this:
Ask yourself the question, “What do I need to do to wake up to my responsibilities?”
Here’s a couple suggestions:
- Put a repeating reminder on your calendar. When that reminder pops up, ask yourself what you’ve done to help yourself wake up.
- Schedule a meeting with your partner. Ask them to offer you feedback—both encouraging and challenging—to help you assess if your efforts to wake up are registering with them.
- Write “I want to wake up” in the subject line of an email and begin an exchange with your partner that sounds something like this: “I want to do better when it comes to being aware about household chores. I’m sending this email so that, if I check out again and get clueless, you can just send this email and I’ll be able to alert myself.” Make the email funny by adding goofy names to the household chores.
- Ummmm, floors get walked on…so they like a little mopping.
- No one wants to look at your toothpaste remainder on the side of the sink.
- Trash doesn’t have legs and needs to be walked outside by someone who has legs.
Invite your partner to send the email any time they want. Then, when you inevitably receive the email, jump right on the task, and make fun of yourself to keep your household humorous and harmonious rather than clueless and full of conflict.
Date Night Discussion
Changing the way you talk to yourself is Big Work. While you learn to talk to your partner differently, you’ll also need to practice talking to yourself differently.
Listen to the episode or read the blog to get some scripts that will help you own your cluelessness and WAKE UP.
How about you?
What habit resonates with you?
How can you use this moment to wake up and follow through?
And, most importantly, how will your relationship be different if you DO wake up and clue in? Notice how that feels, because this hopeful feeling will bring you through the scary moments when you want to check out.
Important links from the episode:
- Here is an online resource to help you find a therapist if there are complexities to your cluelessness that require the help of a skilled therapist.
- If you’ve never learned to wash your own clothes, here’s a tutorial.
- Listen to my podcast episode about making the invisible visible.
Click here to read the full text of this podcast episode.
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