What if talking about money could create as much intimacy with your partner as walking hand in hand, or staying out late drinking your favorite beverage, staring into each other’s eyes?
You want to be able to count on your partner to do their part when it comes to paying not just the bills, but saving for a great vacation or setting aside money so the kids have not just what they need, but also some fun money, because we all know that watching your kids’ happiness doubles your own happiness.
But what if you and your partner have trouble talking about money? What if the only time you actually talk about money is when you HAVE to, and the conversation devolves into argument?
How do you find a better way?
That’s what we’re talking about today in the third and final segment of our conversation about money in your relationship. The HOW of money conversations so that you and your partner feel bonded whenever you talk about money:
- In episode one of this money series I offered you three tools to remove shame and blame: noticing, curiosity, and leading with your values
- Last week we talked about how to find a YES! so big that it makes saying NO easy.
- In this episode, we’ll focus on 4 practical tools to get control of your money so you and your partner are united when it comes to money rather than divided.
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What if you and your partner talked about money differently?
What if you EACH noticed the WHOLE number that represents your shared life? And then you had discussions about how you’d like to pay for your shared life?
The best way to do this is to talk about THE NUMBERS. Regularly.
Do you and your partner talk about your days at work? When your partner reports about the crazy caffeine lady and you’re able to bet on how many diet cokes she had today…6 if you can believe it! There’s a little glue in knowing that colorful detail about your partner’s life away from you, right?
Can you feel how sharing the tiny details of your day creates a certain flavor of connection and intimacy?
The same intimacy is available when you talk about money.
If you want to be true Partners, knowing your numbers is the place to begin
There’s one more place I’d like to encourage you to talk with your partner about money, and this one is both the hardest to reveal, but the most toxic when you conceal:
- Talk with your partner about every credit card you have. Every. Single. One. And what are those balances that you try to ignore by paying only the minimum balance?
- Talk with your partner about all the places your money lives: your Venmo or Zelle, your checking accounts, savings accounts, investment accounts.
Those places where you feel shame about money? Those are the most important places to reveal to your partner if you want to grow the intimacy of a True Partnership.
Why is it important to get everything on the table? Because we hold a lot of shame about money, and that makes us feel inferior to our partner. Or, if you think you’ve got your act together and you tend to blame your partner when it comes to money, you are building a wall of shame between you and your partner that makes True Partnership impossible.
3 more tools for financial freedom
In addition to noticing the numbers, I give you three more tools to help you build intimacy as you find financial freedom with your partner:
- Tool number 2: Determine your percentages
- Tool number 3: Agree on a system
- Tool number 4: Have a monthly financial summit
You’ll hear more about these tools in the episode, or you can read more about them here.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is to employ the four tools I’ve offered you today.
Don’t expect yourselves to be good at using the tools when you begin. These are lifetime tools. The goal is to practice with them. And your practice will assure your mastery over time.
Here’s a brief reminder of the tools and the philosophy behind why using that tool will help you:
Tool number 1: Notice the Numbers.
You can’t make change if you don’t know where you are.
Beware of the resistance that makes you want to hide or lie or fudge your numbers. The goal of your relationship is connection. In order to connect, the more transparency you provide, the more intimacy is possible.
Tool number 2: Determine Your Percentages.
It’s tempting to react in the moment at hand and spend money on the desires and pressures of the moment.
But beware, if you only react to the moment at hand, you’re never free to design your big life. You and your partner will connect using tool number two when you talk about the values that drive the percentages of money spent. You and your partner will transition from individual lives to a shared life and a shared vision.
Tool number 3: Agree on a System.
Decide once how you’ll spend money rather than facing a thousand decisions during the month. When you agree on a system for spending, it’s easy to monitor success and failure.
But beware, there are endless temptations to spend your money now. If you have to respond individually to each temptation, you’ll eventually compromise your values. But you and your partner can connect when you agree on a system for spending because this clean line affords you and your partner a place to encourage each other.
You’re bonded by a plan of action and the system becomes the enforcer rather than one of you having to nag or punish when it comes to issues of money.
Tool number 4: Financial Summit.
Tool number four is to schedule and keep a financial summit. Meet monthly. This is your spot to notice the numbers, review your percentages, and review the system.
Managing your money is not a set and forget project. This meeting gives you a dedicated space and time and place to practice those three tools.
How does this financial summit build connection in your relationship? Well, I’m going to confess that while the first couple meetings might be a little challenging because you feel vulnerable or unskilled, this meeting gives you a dedicated place to celebrate your successes and to fine-tune your tools. This strengthens your relationship, because you’re learning together how money can bring you to build a life that is shared.
Date Night Discussion
This week I’ve already given you many things to talk about. You’re revealing numbers to each other you may never have talked about before. You’re putting your values into practice by determining percentages.
But the hardest part about what I’ve offered you today is staying with the system you’ve agreed to.
So rather than a single discussion, I invite you to chat regularly about the system you’ve enacted. Especially at first.
Maybe you send a text once a day that encourages each other. Here’s a couple choices:
- I am so proud of us for working together when it comes to our money.
- Thanks for noticing the numbers with me. I notice how many doors that opens for our love.
- It’s hard for me today because that envelope is empty. Can you fill me up with a pep talk?
You and your sweetheart have a wealth of connection ahead of you when you build a shared financial life. I can’t wait to hear about the changes you see as a result.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
