4 Steps to Financial Freedom: Money Conversations that Build Intimacy with Your Partner

What if talking about money could create as much intimacy with your partner as walking hand in hand, or staying out late drinking your favorite beverage staring into each other’s eyes?

Do you remember my 3-part framework I use to describe the three roles inside your singular relationship: Partner, Lover, and Friend?

You feel close to your Lover when you share an exciting adventure that reaffirms how sexy your partner is and your kisses are proof of that connection.

You feel close to your Friend because you feel so understood. All the complex emotions you feel and complicated hats you wear throughout your day? Your partner gets it and they listen with eyes that meet yours.

The Partner in your relationship holds a unique flavor of intimacy. You feel like teammates: you and your partner, together, united against the world. Your partner is the one you count on when the going gets tough.

And at the heart of that team—you and your partner as Partners—is a shared language around money and how money represents the values you share and the united direction you want to travel. Together.

That’s the dream.

You want to be able to count on your partner to do their part when it comes to paying not just the bills, but saving for a great vacation or setting aside money so the kids have not just what they need, but also some fun money, because we all know that watching your kids’ happiness doubles your own happiness.

But what if you and your partner have trouble talking about money? What if the only time you actually talk about money is when you HAVE to, and the conversation devolves into argument?

How do you find a better way?

That’s what we’re talking about today. The HOW of money conversations so that you and your partner feel bonded whenever you talk about money.

 

Step 1: Notice the numbers

The very first step is a willingness to look at the numbers together. Do you and your partner do this easily? Do you both know how much you pay for housing? For groceries?

My dream for your relationship is that you can talk about the numbers with the same casual tone you talk about whether or not you want jam on your toast.

This only happens with practice.

One thing I’ve noticed in younger couples these days is that separate bank accounts are commonplace. Consequently, couples tend to approach the shared expenses as something to be divided. Equally.

Divided. Separate. Do you think it’s possible that this attitude toward money will seep into your relationship causing division and separation in other areas of your lives?

I’m not saying that you have to totally combine all your money and assets. In fact, I don’t even believe in that. But I am proposing that you have some places in your shared life where money is shared. This will open up completely different conversations.

Conversations like:

• “How can we make sure that we are both cared for in case of sickness or injury?” or
• “How can we plan together to have a baby and what does it mean to share the care for that child—both the hands on changing of diapers and paying for those diapers?” or
• “How do we want to handle our shared lives when we are done with our earning years? What does retirement look like for us and how are we planning for that together?” or
• “What does it mean to build an estate together? What kind of security do we want to build? Do we want to create any wealth to leave to a person or a cause we care about?”

What if you noticed the numbers differently?

What if you EACH noticed the WHOLE number that represents your shared life? And then you had discussions about how you’d like to pay for your shared life?

The best way to do this is to talk about THE NUMBERS. Regularly.

Do you and your partner talk about your days at work? When your partner reports about the crazy caffeine lady and you’re able to bet on how many diet cokes she had today…6 if you can believe it! There’s a little glue in knowing that colorful detail about your partner’s life away from you, right?

Can you feel how sharing the tiny details of your day creates a certain flavor of connection and intimacy?

The same intimacy is available when you talk about money.

It might feel weird at first, but just practice. Talk about the money you spent. Talk about the money you earned. Talk about money you saved.

Know your numbers when it comes to the various categories of spending.

• How much do you spend on your rent or mortgage?
• What about insurance? Or property taxes?
• How much does it cost to heat or cool your home? Or to keep the lights on?
• Who picks up your trash, and how much does that cost?
• Do you pay for sewer?

If you don’t know what these things cost, you don’t know what it costs to share a home with your partner. What does that do to the connection you’re trying to build? If your partner manages all those expenses, does it create a “roommate” or a “tenant” type of relationship?

You’re missing out on that unique Partner energy.

What if, instead, you both had equal ownership in the home you share? How would that flavor the way you treat the home you share?

• Do you know your numbers when it comes to groceries in your home?
• Do you know the cost of a typical dinner?
• What does it cost to buy the cleaning supplies that keep your house nice to live in?
• If you have a baby, do you know how much those diapers cost?

When you both know the cost of meals, snacks, and what it takes to make your home comfortable, you value those things differently.

• What’s the grocery item that most lights up your partner? My husband is the coffee guy. He is willing to save on any other grocery item, but on coffee, he wants what he wants. To me, I was like, “This is insane to spend this much!” but this is one of those moments when money actually can buy a cup of happiness. It’s nice to know what he wants.
• What is the grocery item that your partner doesn’t buy because it feels too expensive? Can you imagine how much joy you could bring your partner by coming home from the store with that item? That thing that, each time they’re in the store, they pass by with longing eyes? Well, you could really change your partner’s life if you came home with that. But you won’t know what that is if you don’t talk about money.

If you want to be true Partners, knowing your numbers is the place to begin.

There’s one more place I’d like to encourage you to talk with your partner about money, and this one is both the hardest to reveal, but the most toxic when you conceal:

• Talk with your partner about every credit card you have. Every. Single. One. And what are those balances that you try to ignore by paying only the minimum balance?
• Talk with your partner about all the places your money lives: your Venmo or Zelle, your checking accounts, savings accounts, investment accounts.
• Those places where you feel shame about money? Those are the most important places to reveal to your partner if you want to grow the intimacy of a True Partnership.

Why is it important to get everything on the table? Because we hold a lot of shame about money, and that makes us feel inferior to our partner. Or, if you think you’ve got your act together and you tend to blame your partner when it comes to money, you are building a wall of shame between you and your partner that makes True Partnership impossible.

Remember our first episode in this trilogy of discussions about money: Notice without judgement. Don’t begin to list out all the expenses just so you can blame your partner. No.

This is about noticing without any judgment.

• I want to know.
• I want to notice what our shared life consists of.
• I want to notice the numbers.

Noticing is where change—and the connection—can begin.

 

Step 2: Timelines and percentages

If you want to build an estate together, a shared life that involves shared dreams, it will help you to have a framework to discuss the areas of finances where you can make changes.

Let me tell you a story about flying in an airplane to help you understand how everyone needs to keep making adjustments to any aspect that involves a shared life.

Jim Rohn, one of the granddaddys of the Life Coach movement, tells a story about a plane that takes off from Los Angeles bound for New York City. While that plane is in the air, each moment of the flight the plane is constantly adjusting its trajectory.

One minute the plane’s trajectory is pointed at Virginia, but that’s too far south, so the pilot adjusts. The next minute the plane is pointed at Maine. Every minute of the journey, the plane is adjusting. Over and over.

As the plane gets closer to NYC, the adjustments are finer and finer, but still the nose of the plane is adjusting until it lands.

Jim Rohn is famous for saying you can’t change your destination over night, but you CAN change your direction. And direction is what determines destination.

As you and your partner begin talking about the dreams you have for a shared financial life it’s like you’re taking off from LA. The vectors of correction you will make are wild and sweeping like aiming at NYC and being headed to Virginia or Maine.

But the more you course correct, and the closer you get to your dream life, you’ll find you only need to be making small course corrections because you know how each other thinks. You understand your shared values so much more.

The role of time in your relationship with money and your partner.

Remember the stories about my son’s relationship to money in the second episode of this series? The very first excursion he had with earning, he had to learn to value earning—or mowing the lawn with that first job—more than he valued watching cartoons.

But years later, after many lessons with money, he didn’t even blink about wearing old boots in the snowy woods filled with duct tape because he had paid himself first over and over and developed a bigger and bigger YES!

Similarly, you need to give yourselves time to develop intimacy with your partner when it comes to money.

If I had asked my 12-year-old son to go outside in the frigid cold with holes in his boots to earn the money for his nerf gun, he’d have chosen cartoons every. Single. Time.

Don’t ask your partner to learn an advanced money lesson with you if your partner is just beginning to understand about delayed gratification and creating their YES! that’s big enough to inspire a few No’s!

The tool I’m gonna recommend to help you begin to shape your shared money philosophy is tried and true: Come up with percentages for the categories you noticed in tool #1.

Here are a few resources you can consult to help you know how to divide your money into percentages of spending so that you take good care of yourselves today, while also paying yourself first when it comes to tomorrow:

• Wikipedia offers an overview of many approaches to using percentages to build your spending plan
• Here’s Dave Ramsay’s overview when it comes to categories and percentages
• I like Ramit Sethi’s approach because everything fits into 4 categories

Do you know what percentage of your take home pay goes to your mortgage or to dining out? I love this percentage view because then you can ask yourself the question, “Of all the things that are important to me, am a paying an appropriate amount for that?

If you are spending 30% on your housing it wouldn’t be hard for you to justify that saying, “Without a safe home, my life might really suck.”

But if you’re spending 30% on eating out and you have no investments for your future self, you might be able to realize, “Oh. I’m eating away the comfort I’ll need in the future.” I’m not paying my (future) self first!

If you’re spending a higher percentage than you want in a particular area, that is a direction that will determine a destination. 30% on eating out? That might cause you to go broke. It may not happen this month or next month, but it will happen.

How do you change direction so that your destination changes?

You look at every one of those numbers and the percentage of spending they represent for your life. And you make a change in the percentage.

I remember when my husband was in school and times were tight. When I looked at our numbers we were spending too much. The largest category of expenses was at the grocery store.

I felt like I was already so careful there. How could I possibly spend less?

But the numbers don’t lie. I had to face the reality that, if I didn’t spend less somewhere, we were going down.

Keep listening, because I’m going to give you the tool that allowed me to spend less at that grocery store in tool #3.

Like that plane that is constantly measuring its flight vector and where it will land, adjusting a little north, then a little south as it makes its way eastward, you too need to find the tiny ways you can adjust your earning, spending, and saving.

And a reliable way to get the big picture is to use percentages.

Then, as you practice with those percentages, expand your timeline.

Just like I wouldn’t ask 12-year-old son to hike in leaky boots, don’t ask yourself to race to funding your retirement if you’re drowning in credit card debt.

Look at where you are.

Then aim at your goal (like the plane aimed at NYC).

But remember, that plane is making constant adjustments. You’ll also need to make adjustments as you learn to hone in on your ideal percentages. Don’t expect to get there all at once.

When you’re impatient with yourself, you are so frustrated that you give up.

But if, over time, you can see that little by little those percentages are moving in the direction you desire, you’ll get more and more motivated.

Are you at the beginning of learning to save money? If so, it’s probably unrealistic for you to forgo your favorite coffee to fund your IRA when you won’t retire for decades. Better to start by building your saving muscles with something you can see more readily like a vacation or tickets to a concert.

Return to your values

Now that you and your partner are noticing the numbers without judgment and you’re thinking about your shared life in percentages rather than a giant list of small categories of expenditures, I recommend you return to your values.

What is it that most lights you up? What do you want for your lives together? These are the questions that began to bring my husband and I together to find that True Partnership intimacy of creating and building a life together.

When I understood why he loved to buy coats—that coats were a way of both enjoying the outdoors, and keeping the people he loved comfortable—we had very different kinds of conversations about spending money on coats.

Seeing how happy that kind of spending makes my husband helps me easily make way in other areas of our spending life.

Remember how we talked about listening to the WHOLE story of your partner’s spending? Each time you return to talking about the values that money helps you to live you cultivate another layer of intimacy in your relationship.

 

Step 3: Get a system for managing money

A system to manage your money is the key element.

You don’t have enough attention to notice each dollar that comes in and weigh it against your shared values. Your system can be as easy as, “When the money runs out, we stop spending.” But you need to set something up so you know when you’ve run out. We all know that credit cards are easy to pull out, but difficult to pay off.

So how do you know when the money has run out?

I promised you earlier that I’d tell you how I cut costs at the grocery store even though I felt like I was on a pretty limited budget as it was. Here’s my story.

My husband was in school. I was the earner, but I was also 100% responsible for kid-care.

So, I got up early, before anyone else was awake. When I looked at our budget and longed for more money, there was simply zero chance for me to earn more. I was already sleep deprived.

I needed to cut my expenses. Thankfully, our housing was very low cost. The biggest line item where I spent money was on groceries.

How could I spend less?

Remember when we talked about get a big enough YES! and your NO! becomes easy? I had my YES! My husband was studying so hard and we knew this was only a season of sacrifice. I was lucky during that era because although we really didn’t have much financially, we did have a promise that it would change.

I wanted to support my husband’s schooling. I knew I would be most proud of my future self if I didn’t rack up credit card debt.

That’s when I got an envelope. I put the amount of cash I could comfortably pay for those groceries in that envelope and I counted my way through the store, mentally tabulating how many dollars that cart of groceries would cost me.

Once I went over. And I had to choose something to put back.

But once was all it took for me to learn to stack my groceries on the conveyor belt with my “extra” items last. I kept my eye on the subtotal, and if I was getting close, I just grabbed those last items away, “I’ve decided not to get this,” I said and handed over a carton of ice cream.

That. Was. Hard.

And…it was also such a gift. It made my financial life so CLEAR while I had young children and I was truly learning how to manage money.

People who hear my story think I felt deprived during those years, but I didn’t. Life got really simple for me. Decision fatigue wasn’t a thing. It was clear what I needed to do. I had my big YES! and so the NO’s were surprisingly easy.

How to choose your money management system

I recommend the envelope system to every one of my clients who comes to me for budgeting help.

These days there are apps that simulate the envelope system. Here’s a great overview from NerdWallet that gives you the pros and cons of a variety of apps as well as the pros and cons of each.

You don’t have to use the envelope system. You could get a cash management account and deposit your paycheck into that account. Then only transfer the amount to your checking accounts that you’re willing to spend.

This is the origin of pay yourself first.

You’re saving first by choosing to have your income land in the savings or investment account.

Have a shared checking account with your partner for your fixed expenses. You and your partner both can contribute to this.

Then both you and your partner can have a personal checking or savings account for your guilt free spending. The trick with this method is you either need to choose a bank that stops giving you money or authorizations to spend money when you reach a zero balance, or you need to be willing to be aware of your balance.

Otherwise, you risk the dreaded “insufficient funds” fee. This overage fee will drive you crazy and it’s ridiculously hard to catch up.

My last choice for you is only a good choice if you’ve first learned the lessons of not spending more than you’ve budgeted: you could use a credit card.

The big advantage of a credit card is that—and here I’m drawing on what a police officer once told me, rather than proven fact, so please, someone tell me where I’m wrong—the credit card is safer than a debit card. Or maybe even safer than cash.

When I say safer, I’m talking about credit cards being safer when it comes to your money being stolen. But a credit card might not be safer for you to control your spending.

When I first began to use a credit card, I made little Monopoly-type dollars for my *envelope system* and, I only let myself spend on that credit card what I had in my *envelope*.

Then I paid my entire credit card balance every month. If you are tempted to carry a balance on your credit card, I recommend you don’t use a credit card to do your grocery shopping. It’s makes it too easy to keep the ice cream instead of putting it back.

The key with whatever system you use is that both you and your partner know precisely when you’ve run out of money to spend.

You might mess up. Especially if you use a method that allows you to *cheat* on your agreements like a credit card. And that is why the final tool I have to offer you is to have a specific and regular time to check-in with your partner.

 

Step 4: Have a monthly financial summit

In my book, 6 Steps to Better Marriage Communication, the very last chapter is about scheduling time to talk to your partner. What inspired me to start that talk time was I needed a time to talk to my husband about money when I wasn’t agitated and he could bring his full attention.

That meeting saved my marriage.

In the beginning, those meetings were tough. Because we hadn’t yet learned how to control our spending. Quite simply: we spent more than we earned. So we were always upside down. The stress ate us alive.

We tried to hide from it by avoiding the conversations, but money—or the lack of it—has a way of catching up with you.

The fight that ensues after opening a bill, or the eye roll that enrages you after you ask, “How soon are you getting paid,” is not a conversation that is going to build the connection as True Partners that you want.

If you want to truly become Partners—sharing the work of building a life together which includes finances—you need a dedicated time to talk that is—as much as possible—free of strong emotion.

You want to agree to sit down together and practice the first three tools:

1. Notice your numbers together without judgment and with curiosity.
2. Remind yourselves of your timeline and your percentages.
3. Review the system you have for managing money.

It’s important that this meeting is regular and predictable. Here are a couple choices:

• The 4th Saturday morning of the month—which allows you to review the previous month and plan for the upcoming month
• If you’re night owls, aim to meet at the kitchen table one of the nights during the last week of the month…and, if the kids have made that impossible hire a babysitter that Sunday, so you’re sure to getter done.

The critical thing is that it happens every month. And that you review all 3 of the tools.

Why monthly instead of weekly? You want to think about things other than money. There’s lots to do and be and talk about in your relationship. Give money A SPOT, but not the only spot.

If you want to have this meeting weekly while you’re learning the skills, great! But, as soon as you feel you’ve found your rhythm, I recommend you transition to a once-monthly conversation.

Here’s a brief reminder of the tools and the philosophy behind why using that tool will help you:

Tool number 1: Notice the Numbers.

You can’t make change if you don’t know where you are.

Beware of the resistance that makes you want to hide or lie or fudge your numbers. The goal of your relationship is connection. In order to connect, the more transparency you provide, the more intimacy is possible.

Tool number 2: Determine Your Percentages.

It’s tempting to react in the moment at hand and spend money on the desires and pressures of the moment.

But beware, if you only react to the moment at hand, you’re never free to design your big life. You and your partner will connect using tool number two when you talk about the values that drive the percentages of money spent. You and your partner will transition from individual lives to a shared life and a shared vision.

Tool number 3: Agree on a System.

Decide once how you’ll spend money rather than facing a thousand decisions during the month. When you agree on a system for spending, it’s easy to monitor success and failure.

But beware, there are endless temptations to spend your money now. If you have to respond individually to each temptation, you’ll eventually compromise your values. But you and your partner can connect when you agree on a system for spending because this clean line affords you and your partner a place to encourage each other.

You’re bonded by a plan of action and the system becomes the enforcer rather than one of you having to nag or punish when it comes to issues of money.

Tool number 4: Financial Summit.

Tool number four is to schedule and keep a financial summit. Meet monthly. This is your spot to notice the numbers, review your percentages, and review the system.

Managing your money is not a set and forget project. This meeting gives you a dedicated space and time and place to practice those three tools.

How does this financial summit build connection in your relationship? Well, I’m going to confess that while the first couple meetings might be a little challenging because you feel vulnerable or unskilled, this meeting gives you a dedicated place to celebrate your successes and to fine-tune your tools. This strengthens your relationship, because you’re learning together how money can bring you to build a life that is shared.