How is your negativity bias impacting your relationship, and taking you off course?
Last week I shared a favorite quote from Jim Rohn, “Direction determines destination.” We talked about planes that are off course 90% of the time they’re in the air, but still manage to land in the appointed destination.
Knowing PRECISELY where you want to go is critical to guiding you toward the future of your dreams.
But what happens when that negative voice pipes up saying, “My sweetheart never flushes the toilet,” and that kills your desire to connect with your sweetheart.
Or your negativity bias says, “My sweetheart never kisses me hello,” so you decide your sweetheart can’t possibly love you.
Today, we’re talking about that little voice we all have that tends to focus on what’s wrong in our relationship instead of what’s right. This negative lens keeps you in a cycle of conflict rather than connection.
- We’ll talk about how this tiny voice is trying to help you, even if it’s really annoying
- I’ll offer you 3 specific steps to mollify that voice
- And, I’ll guide you with a discussion prompt so you and your partner can get past the negativity and connect with more hopefulness
What IS a Negativity Bias?
Your brain is naturally biased to answer the question, “What’s wrong here?”
The ability to focus on what’s wrong—or what’s dangerous—kept our ancestors safe from the Saber-Toothed Tiger on the wild savannah.
Your negativity bias is a great tool when it comes to keeping you safe.
But I’ve never seen a Saber-Toothed Tiger. Have you?
There just aren’t a ton of things that are as risky to us today in the way that our ancestors were threatened by that Saber-Toothed Tiger. But our body responds as if we are in ultimate danger to things as mild as my partner left their dishes scattered on the counter rather than loading them into the dishwasher. Oh no!
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There’s a difference between a danger and an inconvenience
But your negativity bias isn’t very educated about those distinctions.
When you respond to inconveniences as if they are a dire threat, you not only spike your cortisol, you also damage your relationship. You see your dish-leaving-partner as a threat rather than as an annoyance.
So what’s to be done?
3 steps to turn that negativity bias around
Today I’m giving you 3 steps to turn that negativity bias around.
The three steps to curb the insidious power of your negativity bias are:
- Name it
- Tame it
- Muscle up
The best way to deal with your negativity bias is simply to name it. I talk to myself when I find myself wearing those negative glasses. It sounds like this: Hello Rebecca who’s upset about the dishes abandoned on the counter. I know you think this dish-debacle signals the end of your marriage because when David leaves his dishes laying around, you feel like he doesn’t care about you.
But, I’d like to put this in perspective. Is it really true that David’s rogue coffee cup means he doesn’t care about you? What if it just means he got distracted? Have you ever gotten distracted Rebecca?
Rebecca, do you think you could muscle up and put that rogue coffee cup into the dishwasher yourself?
Did you hear me use the three steps?
A divorce averted with a singular word
A gentleman came into my office who was held captive by his negativity bias. He was pretty sure his marriage was over, and he came to see me so could assure himself he’d tried everything.
But once we applied the three guidelines–Name it, Tame it, Muscle up–he found a completely different perspective. He saw his wife differently: she was scared, not determined to ignore him.
He was able to see beyond his negativity bias.
Try this:
This week’s habit for your happily ever after is…to practice the negativity bias trifecta:
- Name it
- Tame it
- Muscle up
Here’s an example:
Find a moment in your life where you regularly see the negative. If you struggle to see your negativity bias, just list three things that bug you about your partner. These are clues.
Once you’re able to see WHERE your negativity bias is likely to be giving you unnecessary warnings, consciously ask your negativity bias to NAME the warning it’s trying to give you.
What do you want me to know? You can ask your negativity bias. When you externalize it in this way it neutralizes the warning. It’s not so dire. The alarm becomes a suggestion.
Next TAME IT. Maybe you’ll be able to laugh at the ridiculous nature of the warning. Laughter is great for neutralizing alarm bells. You can’t be afraid and laugh at the same time.
If laughter doesn’t come naturally, however, use the taming question of what else might be true? When you can investigate things from your partner’s point of view, you can almost always neutralize those alarming signals from your negativity bias.
Finally, MUSCLE UP. Your negativity bias is really just your imagination. Your negativity bias is just imagining everything that could go wrong.
Date Night Discussion
This week I invite you to talk about your negativity bias with your partner.
Tell your partner all the various disguises it might wear. Ask about your partner’s negativity bias.
I recommend naming it something goofy. Get a tchotchke that will help you develop a humorous relationship with your negativity bias.
Just getting to talk with your partner a bit helps to clear the air. This conversation opens the possibility for you or your partner to name those negative biases when they pop up, and they don’t feel so all-powerful.
Instead, you’re able to see them for what they are: protectors. And you can politely ask them to get into the backseat rather than driving the bus.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
