“What if relationship conflict isn’t about communication SKILLS–but about misunderstood needs?” This is the foundational question Fernie resident and Counselor, Dayna Haig-Conway asked me when I got to be a guest on her podcast–CAMP Conversations: Keys to Resilience–recently.
I’m eager to share her conversation with you. Dayna’s approach is to search for “the needs behind the needs,” and I am thrilled I get to introduce you to this gem of a human being:
- You’ll hear how The Partner, The Lover, and The Friend can unintentionally compete with each other, confusing your communication and making it tough to see what each person truly needs.
- You’ll hear why naming HOW you communicate matters as much as WHAT you’re saying. Hint: your animal body communicates too.
- You’ll get some simple language shifts that will reduce defensiveness and cultivate understanding with your sweetheart.
Are you the one who packs the lunches?
Remember my 3-part framework: Partner, Lover, Friend? These are the 3 roles inside your singular relationship. Partners love to achieve together. Friends want to relax together. Lovers want to adventure together.
Because Dayna and I both have strong attachment to adventuring (skiing and rafting), we discuss that ever-present conundrum between The Partner–who wants to keep our family safely housed, nurtured, and fed–and The Lover–who wants novelty, adventure, and play every day.
How would you respond to your sweetheart on the chairlift when they say, “This is THE LIFE. This is what we should be doing every day!”
But what your sweetheart has failed to notice is that, while your sweetheart had a second cup of coffee this morning, you were busy packing the glove bags and lunches for the kids so they could go to ski school.
Do you want to explode, “Your life is great because I keep the trains running!”
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Why you’ll want to know Dayna
Dayna is so vulnerable in this conversation. I heard my younger self in all her words. I hear her struggle to be gracious to everyone, including herself.
But that can be hard, right? Especially when life is filled with so many details: the details that cover up our deepest needs to be loved, appreciated, and seen.
It can be hard to FIND YOURSELF amidst the details.
Dayna shows us herself so completely, that YOU will see yourself in her words and situations.
Connect with Dayna Haig-Conway
I was honored to be a guest on Dayna’s podcast. Her deep approach to healing work is obvious from the first time she opens her mouth.
- I invite you to listen/watch her podcast.
- Explore the world of resilience and service she’s building for front line caretakers like nurses and teachers.
- Or book a discovery call with her to see how she might be able to help you locate the needs behind your needs.
Want to stop arguing and start connecting with your spouse? This FREE e-course will offer you habits to improve your marriage communication so you can smile more and fight less. Sign up to improve marriage communication.
